YOU HAVE ME ~ JAKE SULLY

33

Jake

We sleep on opposite sides of the bed now. My body is acutely aware of the warmth radiating off of her, but I can't reach out and grasp it, I can't touch her. She never told me I couldn't touch her, but the first time I placed a hand on her shoulder after our argument, she jerked away. And I haven't tried again since.

That was a week ago.

All of my defenses feel like they're moving in on me, crushing my head open with migraines and headaches everytime I fight back against them.

I've never seen Nessa so angry. But I've also never seen her stand up for herself in that way either and, besides the constant fear of losing her, I'm proud of her. Plus, angry Ness is extremely attractive. But her being angry because she's hurt... not so attractive. Especially when it's because of me.

I walk out of our room and down the small steps toward our living room. Nessa is sitting on the couch, sorting through clothes and shifting them into different piles.

Her movements stall as soon as she hears my footsteps, before looking up to look at me. She offers me a small smile, but the hurt behind it is obvious and it makes my stomach twist.

"Morning," her voice is a little groggy, telling me she hasn't been up for long either.

A offer a small smile back, "Morning." I hate this. I hate that it feels like we're back to square one. Like we're in the beginnings of a relationship instead of people who are engaged to one another.

I walk towards the kitchen, opening a cabinet to pull out a mug before setting it on the counter and retrieving the other items needed for coffee.

"What're your plans for today?" She asks, her voice small from behind me, like she worked herself up to asking.

I set everything down, turning around to give her my full attention. I lean back onto the counter, hands holding the edges, "I have some paperwork to do. A lot of it is just sorting through old Olo'eyktan stuff, going through this specific clans history and getting a deeper look at what was going on behind the scenes," I pause, wondering if this next part should be included, "Then I... I'm suppose to go down to our cells later in the day. I'm not sure what I'll do with the time in between."

I was waiting for her to scold me, maybe a look of disgust, or disappointment. I know she knows what happens in the cells, what type of hostages we hold. She knows exactly what I mean. Exactly what I'll be doing.

"Can I ask something of you?" She looks up from her pile of clothes and I give her a small nod, "Will you please come home for dinner?"

My face was no doubt a look of shock and guilt. Shock because I expected her to ask me to stop torturing hostages, and guilt because my fiancé shouldn't have to plead with me to come home for dinner.

I nod my head, "Yeah. Yes, of course."

A small smile filled her features, "Thank you," she responded softly before returning to her sorting.

I turn back around, hitting brew on the coffee pot and just stand still. My eyes strained on the coffee pot but my mind dipping into anything- everything I need to do to be better for her.

We haven't even hit the hard parts yet. So far, it's been as simple as sharing what I'm really doing with my entire day. But I know sooner or later, it'll be about my past. And that's when the real fight will kick in. That's when I need to be prepared to push past every trauma response telling me to stay closed off.

We've been together eight months. She should already know these things about me, she should already know what I've been through. She should already know that I still struggle with night terrors from time to time. For fucks sake, I live with her. Did I really think she wouldn't find out?

I use to think my greatest fear was letting people see everything I am, but it turns out my greatest fear is losing the only woman I've ever truly loved. My fear of letting Nessa slip through my fingers is greater than my fear of vulnerability.

It actually makes it look like a stupid fucking fear to begin with.

"Ness," I say, turning back around, "I know I've said this a million times but I am sorry-"

She shakes her head, "No Jake, no more saying you're sorry. I don't want to talk about it anymore, start showing me you're sorry."

"Baby-"

"Jake," she pins me with a look that's telling me to drop it, "I know you feel sorry. But I don't care how sorry you feel if it doesn't change your actions."

"Ness," I sigh, dropping my head before looking back up at her, "But you should hear me say it... I could've loved you so much better, but I couldn't have loved you more. And I'm eternally sorry for that, because I don't wanna be just another man who couldn't love you the way you deserved."

"Jake," her eyes turned sincere, "Jake, you have loved me the way I deserve. Now you need to love me in the way I need."

I clench my jaw, looking away from her eyes and nodding my head. It's pathetic, really. The self-pity I'm wallowing in. It was me who kept things from her, me who wouldn't open up, me who's betrayed her trust.

And it's her that continued to love me when I wasn't giving her what she needed. It's her that has put in so much fucking work.

I've had moments of openness with her, but I've never been truly vulnerable. And I can only imagine how she feels, being the only one in this relationship that displayed vulnerability.

I wasn't trained for vulnerability. Not in my life on earth, and not in my life here. I was trained to never let anything get to me, never get too close to anyone, never let anyone see your weak spots. Lest they use it against you.

And Nessa is my weakness.

I use to be okay being alone, trained my mind to rely solely on myself, and never sought comfort or love from anyone. I learned my lesson, after having so many loved ones torn from me.

But I can't live in that lie anymore. The lie that I don't need anyone. Because now that I have Ness, I can't be without her. I can't go through the rest of my life without her.