Only you (Book 4)

I really thought i lost you

Narrator POV

„I know it sounds ridiculous but there should be a warning sign flowing across my head or whole life story.  „Careful fragile bitch income" would be flowing over my head in neon colors singing to stay away. But some didn't stay away. Like scar and especially you after you found me again.
So what I am trying to say is... I am a cowered."

Lizzie was already conscious by the time Nora stood next to her bed but she didn't want her to know that. Lizzie wanted to stay „out of consciousness" to listen carefully to what Nora's has to say. Because she knows that she has a lot on her mind and heart that needs to be said and done. So she doesn't want to interrupt her. Nor does she want to intimidate her in some way when she is awake. Because Lizzie is worried that Nora might not be as honest as she might be now at this very moment.

„I chicken out when things become complicated.
I shut down and isolate myself. I am a champion at avoiding confrontation even though this should be my first thought. To confront my problems. To confront you and everyone else."

„I don't even know why I am saying all these things. Being honest now is probably the dumbest and most cowered thing I could do right now. Because your not able to take those words in. But I feel like I won't be able to say it in any other situation." and with that Nora even confirmed Lizzie's thought that she might not be as honest when she is awake.
Which she can understand because Lizzie said a lot of things while Nora was absent and till this day Nora doesn't know anything about what she said because she was really unconscious. But on the other hand Lizzie feels sorry for Nora for giving off the impression that she can't be honest and vulnerable around her.

„You really have a hold on Quinn and especially Chase. Who am I kidding you even got a hold on me at this point. I couldn't sleep last night. Not that I was able to sleep before. But this night was different. I felt some restlessness in me and a tight chest feeling at some point as well. Turns out that you had that accident last night. Who knows where you wanted to drive during that storm. The nurse told me that. I added the dots and realized that I felt this way because you got into that accident. As if we were connected or some shit. Or I am just delusional who knows. I ramble to much. I feel like shit."

„After all I am still hurt. Because while I was almost dying I really wanted you to take my kids. I felt like it was the only way and the right way. That day I have made a true decision and that was a decision with no regrets. Until you threw these words at me saying that you didn't want them.
I hope you get why I threw you out that night. This was really the final line. I don't give a damn about my needs but I'd do everything for my kids and I thought you were the right one." Lizzie felt how heavy those words were lying on her shoulders and how hard it was for her to say everything. By now Lizzie had decided to open her eyes slightly seeing that she removed her glasses because she was crying so much. She was rubbing her eyes trying to stop the tears but they didn't stop.

Lizzie POV

Nora didn't notice that I opened my eyes by now because she was still rubbing her eyes to get her tears to stop. But she should let them flow because suppressing those might cause more mental damage then she already has.

I looked down trying to search for her hand to grab it and what I saw concerned me. Her knuckles on her one hand are bruised and bloody. My face frowns and I reached out to grab her bruised hand to stroke around it and she shrugged together while letting out a wince in pain.

At first she took her hand away from me as she put on her glasses quick to see me now her face was scattered with shock by now.

„The thing I said that night. Was something that I never meant. I wish you could have been there to see how I started to love your kids more and more every day. They brought me joy when I wasn't feeling so joyful. They made me laugh when I wanted to cry. They made me sing and dance and for some moments I forgot why I was so upset."
I told her with a sore voice and she realized that I heard her say it all.

„They really do cheer us up don't they?" she whispered as a single tear rolled down her face.
I nod and she moved to the side table to pore me a glass of water.

„Here. You need this." she told me and slid her arms behind my back to lift me up a bit so I could drink better. Her hand was cold. But I didn't mind that at all. It still felt warming and gentle in some way even if that might not make any sense.

„I really thought I lost you." she added after I drank the glass empty.

„I could go full on ‚mom mode' right now and teach you a lesson to not drive during such a storm. But I don't want to erupt a fight. I am tired of fighting.
I don't wanna fight anymore. I just want to... be around you. If you allow me to." her tone switched from stern to tired and I really get that she is exhausted from everything.

„I was on my way to see you that night. My mom made me realize a lot of things." I told her and she raised her brow.

„Jarnette is a really nice woman." she says and I raised a brow.

„She can be nice. But you don't wanna see her angry." I answered and she chuckled.

„I've seen one Olsen angry already and that is enough. I don't wanna mess up the rest of my relationship with the Olsen's. Not that there would be a relationship anyway."

„Don't say that. I am sure they would all want to meet you one day.  My mom is really sitting on hot stones because you mess me up so much."

„Yeah. See no good first impression. What a great start." She joked and I couldn't help but to laugh even though I was exhausted. I honestly can't remember the last time when we were laughing together but I enjoy it to the fullest even if the situation isn't perfect. It still warms my heart.

„And by the way." I pulled her attention back to me since she minded my gaze for a moment.

„You never lost me in the first place. You will never lose me." I told her and tears began to beam in her wooden brown eyes again.

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