Afia
I looked down at the bottle of pills and started to dump them into my palm when his voice stopped me. I'm tired both physically and emotionally. I haven't been to sleep in probably three or four days, it's like ever time I try to close my eyes my mind is flooded with a thousand thoughts.
"You really need help.."
I turned to face Ashton and crossed my arms, out of everyone I really thought he was the one that would understand and support me.
"Don't tell me what I need, you wouldn't know"
Before I could lift my hand to my mouth he slapped my hand down. And every single pill I once held landed on the ground. One.. two.. three.. four.. it was like they never stopped hitting the ground.
"What the fuck is wrong with you!?"
I dropped to the ground and started to pick each pill up but he stomped on them one by one. I felt my heart explode each time he crushed a pill, I need those. They help me feel better, they help me get through the night. I sat up with my back against the wall not sure how I'll escape my reality now.
He picked up the pill bottle and looked at it, it's just morphine. It was given to me for pain.. I'm not hoarding pills just because.
"Why are you taking, this?"
"I was... um, I was pregnant"
But not anymore, I had to terminate the pregnancy which was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I heard my baby's heart beating and I seen him or her on the screen. But I was told that there was no possible way I could carry the baby to term. The baby was in my right tube instead of my uterus. I haven't told Elijah but I have wanted to share our baby's heart beat with him. I did record the ultrasound only because I needed hope. I went through it all on my own because I don't know how tell my family or Elijah.
He wanted this more than me in the beginning and somehow we conceived a few weeks after our vacation. I say somehow because that week I went to my doctor where he told me I didn't ovulate that month. Which is why we kind of didn't take any extra precautions, we both thought we'd be okay. Being able to see the actual life I created, just opened my mind more to the idea if having a baby. Its kind of hard not to want something you would've had if things were just a little different. But now, now I don't know if I want kids anymore at all..
"So what happen?"
"You don't care, you dogged me and Eli over the fact that we even talked about having a baby in Trinidad. You didn't even let me explain that I wasn't ready before you started going in. Are you happy? You got your wish I'm not having a baby, I had to take away the life of my child. Do you know how hard it is to be told that nothing you do will save your baby's life?"
"I know what I said and as your brother I don't apologize for that. I do owe Elijah the opportunity to explain himself. But I was upset about it because you honestly don't think when you're in love. Yeah I said you didn't need a baby but I'd never wish anything like this on anyone. Its unfortunate and it hurts me to know you had to make that choice and go through that alone. I'm a lot of things but a person that would be happy about this, I am not. Yeah I would've been upset but you know I'd love the baby with all my heart and be the best uncle I can be. Hell I was mad at Anthony but I love my nephew with all my heart, I'd die for that little boy. Nothing changes with you, I love you regardless of what we go through. But I'll never stop being the overprotective brother I've always been"
He got down on the floor with me and hugged me even though I really didn't wanna hug him. I love my brother that'll never change but I need time.
"I don't care if you're not in the mood to hug me, I love you and I always will"
"I love you too, I just wish you'd be a little easier on me"
"I'll try, but you know.. you have to tell him. I think he just pulled up with your food"
"Yeah, I know. I guess you better get going.. I don't want you two getting into it again"
"Nah, I'm gonna meet up with him later this week and we'll talk it out. That's my bro, he knows how I am"
"I hope so, because I'll kick your ass if you threaten him again"
We laughed but little does he know I'm serious, he got up off the floor and kissed my forehead. "Remember to pray.. prayer is the answer, not this"
He pointed to the mess that was now all over the floor. I sighed and looked at it, he crushed my pain pills. I'm in for one hell of a night.. sometimes it still hurts. But I feel like it's all in my mind most nights because it has been four days now. I know it's not going to just stop overnight but it didn't stop me. I spent two days in the hospital but no one really knew that's where I was. I feel so bad for not telling Elijah, but I'm honestly so scared to share this news.
I still went to school, against my doctors orders. I had to keep my mind off of it and give everyone the impression that I was okay. I grieved in private, like when Elijah went to work. Or when he would go to sleep when he stayed here. But he always knew something was wrong, he'd call me from work. And ask me if I needed to talk several times throughout the day. I would say no because I really didn't know how to put it in words.
Just the yesterday, when he came to my mom's house I said nothing was wrong. Its not that I don't trust him, I trust him with my life but this situation is different. I'm afraid that he won't see me the same because of what I had to do. I'm afraid that this will cause our relationship to go down hill. There's a lot of fear that comes with admitting what I've been going through. My whole story about school stressing me and wanting to drop out is true as well. Its very hard, college is hard and on top of trying to study and get work done. I was also grieving and trying to forgive myself.
Which also led to me not eating or sleeping, I was throwing myself into everyday life. I even went to work the first day but it was so hard because I swear I seen babies and pregnant women everywhere I turned. It made my anxiety sky rocket and it just felt like I was being closed in. I feel empty, and that feeling will never go away.
:
Elijah
I swept the bathroom floor trying to process what I was told. I'm not upset at her I commend her for being so strong. Because had I been physically in her position I would be broken. She was very depressed about it but I got her to open up. Instead of grieving and blaming ourselves and wishing it could've been different. We shared a very special moment together, I thought hearing the heartbeat was amazing. The fact that she even recorded it for me to hear once she was ready means more to me than anything.
We decided to name our baby, we choose a name that was unisex. This helped us get through grieving and accept that our baby is now an angel. I think this happened for a reason and to show us that nothing is in our control. I wanted this baby when I wanted it, and this taught me that it won't happen until God says so. I'm not pressing the issue anymore because I know when it's time and we're in a much better situation it'll happen.
It's amazing how talking about it and letting it out and just sharing how she was feeling helped her. She started eating, she found it within herself to clear her mind and welcome the comfort of sleep. Everything is not meant to be the end of the world. Yes it's hard, yes she'll feel guilty and think there was something, anything she could have done. But sometimes you have to accept that some things are only meant to be blessings that were only here for a short time. I believe our baby has changed our outlook on life. And I think that was his or her job and now that, that job has been done. He or she has gone home to a place much better than this world we live in. Not every tragic experience is bad no matter how hard it may seem or how painful it may be. There's a reason it happened, stop questioning and start listening..
