Afia
The first day of bed rest was okay, I got to sleep without any interruptions. I watched all my shows and slept some more. But then it started to get to me because I can't really do the things I wanna do. Its like the moment I tried to do something I'm not supposed to someone was calling asking what I was doing. I tried to clean and Elijah called to see if I was in bed relaxing. I attemped to do laundry and Anthony called to make sure I had my feet kicked up. I tried to organize my makeup and jewelry but then Ashton called saying I better be sitting down somewhere. So I gave up after that and laid in bed and stared at the ceiling. Being alone gives me time to think which is good sometimes but not now. My thoughts aren't exactly positive or motivating their actually depressive and kind of bothersome. I've been having these moments of regret and it bothers me because I hate that I feel regretful. Some of my thoughts aren't what I want them to be but it's kind of hard to control them. But more than anything they're very hard to accept because I know I shouldn't feel the way I do.
I've been feeling depressed the last three days about being pregnant but I dont understand why. I had a thought this morning that made me feel so bad and so low. I feel as if my pregnancy was a mistake, to think that is terrible but I can't control the feeling right now. It's like I'm angry at myself for thinking this because I know I wanted this at some point. But I'm really starting to wonder if I wanted a baby to prove myself and everyone who said it would be difficult after the surgery wrong or for myself and Elijah. I feel selfish to ever think the things I have the past few days. To make it worse I don't really feel anything for this child, I'm not excited, I'm not ready, I dont know what I'm going to do once he or she is born. I chose the names and thought about how I wanna go about revealing the name. I want to tell Elijah the day we find out which would be sometime in December.
But even with that cute little idea and thinking of my baby at the end of this journey it's hard to see myself happy. I tried talking to Elijah but every time I told myself to tell him how I feel I shut down. How am I supposed to tell anyone that I'm depressed about being pregnant? That's a very selfish way to feel so it's hard admitting it to anyone other than myself. I feel like I would offend Elijah or make people look at me diffrently. I care about my baby I just can't love him or her the way I want to. I want to bond with my baby and he happy at the idea of having him or her at the end of my pregnancy. But for some reason I'm scared of something going wrong so I'm even more afraid to become attached. It just feels like it would hurt less if something did happen..
Today is day three of being stuck in my bed and I'm truthfully tired of it. Normally I'd be at school but I had to stop for the time being. My teachers were nice about it so I won't be as behind once I get back so I'm excited about that. There's so much I want to do and I'm determined to get as much of it done as I can.
:
Essence came to visit me which was nice I haven't really seen her or Hayden lately. It's not personal but I didn't really wanna be around kids that much.. however it's not fair to Hayden. I love him and I know he has been asking for his auntie. So I think I can keep it together and get through this visit successfully.
"How are you mommy to be?"
I played in Haydens hair while he laid on me, he climbed on the bed and snuggled up with me the moment he got here. I won't lie I missed him so much it's ridiculous.
"To be honest.. I'm really depressed. I go from being okay to wanting to cry in a matter of seconds"
"It comes with pregnancy, get used to that. The emotions run high the whole time"
