Elijah
I made the decision to leave my therapeutic getaway. I've learned a lot the month I was here and I feel like I'll be able to take from the things I have learned here. It would have been nice to finish the program but sometimes it's not always about yourself. Right now, it's not about me.. a lot is happening with Afia and the baby. They're more important to me than staying here another month, I feel that I need to be home or things will only get worse. I went home a few days ago and I felt something wasn't right but I couldn't get Afia to talk. No matter what she never told me what was bothering her, she didn't have to go into detail because I know her. Pressuring her would only add more stress on her and the baby so I didn't push the topic. But after the call I received day, I have to get to the bottom of whatever is causing her so much stress. She's very close to losing the baby, it's a bunch of different things increasing that risk. Stress being the biggest one and there's nothing I can do from here.
The second appointment today wasn't good, the baby's heart rate was slightly lower than before. Her blood pressure was elevated, her heart was even beating abnormally, all because she's stressing. I really believe she may have a miscarriage and it hurts my heart to think that. But it's just not looking good at this very moment, the doctor even told her she might lose the baby. He didn't tell her directly but that's what he said in other words. I wanna fuss about it but what is fussing at her going to do, nothing but cause more stress. It's taking a toll on me, I'm having chest pains and sometimes it's hard to breath. I can't hold all the weight.. but right now I have to. If it means taking everything off of her shoulders and keeping her the baby healthy I'll do what I have to do and worry about me later.
If anything Afia is one of the strongest people I know, so it's hard for me to see her this way. However I'm trying my hardest to put myself in her position, I'm not physically carrying our child so I can only imagine. I want the best for her and I hope she knows that.. just like she was there for me during a very scary and difficult moment I'm here for her. Fear changes you as a person, I know before my surgery I was very unstable. One minute I was angry the next I was sad and then I was semi happy. I felt depressed and I had so many thoughts about death, I felt that I had nothing to push me. But even through all of that Afia gave me purpose and helped me see that I was just scared. I still get depressed thinking about my condition especially now that it may affect my unborn child as well.
I asked God for this baby for nearly two years, it was one thing I wanted to so bad. The first time.. I was happy, I felt that my prayers had been answered but at thirteen weeks she lost our child. The second time, I was happy yet again but she chose not to go through with it, and it broke my heart. The third time I didn't know until it was too late but I was just as happy, but she had to end our child's life. And the fourth time I was happy even after the third loss. I was afraid each step of the way, I had so many fears what if we dont make it to six weeks or even seven this time. But as of today we made it to eleven weeks, five weeks farther than before. I could have given up hope, but I didn't. I had two chances to have a child in my first relationship but it failed to happen. And then I was given the second two chances with Afia and this last pregnancy has been the one to give me the most hope. Its not any easier than the others but I know my baby is a fighter I know my little one is determined to beat the odds just like daddy.
:
I walked in the house hoping to see Afia but instead the house was quiet and dark, I'm not really surprised being as though it is nearing midnight. But what did worry me was the fact that I haven't heard from Afia since early this morning. And since then her phone would just go to voicemail. I dropped my bags on the floor and jogged up the steps, it was dark everywhere.. that's odd. Shes afraid of the whole house being dark at night. I got to the room and pushed the door open and there she was knocked out in the bed. The tv was on so I could see her under the covers with the help of the light it created, kicked my shoes off and climbed on the bed and laid beside her before pulling her close. All she needs is a good support system, and she has that.
