Afia
I blinked repeatedly and tapped Ashtons shoulder, not sorry to interrupt his moment with my belly. I don't know where he gets the idea that his niece is in there but it's not true..
"Ashton if you don't.."
"You're so mean to me, I'm just trying to talk to baby Aria"
"Unfortunately.. I'm not having this baby you speak of"
"You will, soon. I know it"
"I guess"
"You'll get receive your second little blessing once you stop worrying about it"
"I'm not worried about it" I shrugged, it's no longer in my hands I just give it all to God.
"You are.. I could tell it hurt you to tell me about everything last night"
I shook my head. "No, it didn't" I picked up my cup and sipped my water. "Its.. life, it's okay"
"Then why do you have a tear in your eye?"
"I don't though, I don't even cry about it anymore. That hasn't changed anything so why waste my tears? Like maybe I did this to myself and now this is the outcome. I lost my first child.. and I still feel like that's my fault. My body has betrayed me and I'm over it, if being done and going through with the surgery will end the misery.. why not?"
I know what I said not even twelve hours ago, but there's this little voice in the back of my mind just saying fuck it. I am very indecisive so one minute I'm saying I shouldn't and then the next I'm saying I should. But now I don't care about anything or what could happen.
"How exactly do you feel your body has betrayed you.."
"You can never really understand someone and their pain until you've been in their shoes. When you've gone practically your whole life planning you're future. You never stop to think that something health wise would ever stop you. You don't think about how it'll affect your relationship, your life or your family. I always thought, that I had control over what happened in my life. I wanted to plan everything and be ready.. God is showing me that I cannot do that. I feel like my body has betrayed me because I suffer, it hurts both physically and mentally. It's not a mental pain that makes me weak, but a type pain that not many can understand.."
I never ask anyone to have sympathy for me or feel bad because of what has become my life. I don't know what to ask for other than time and a little bit of space.
"How do you know that people can't understand? There are millions of people that go through things, everyone feels pain. It may not be the same pain but it hurts them as much as your pain hurts you. We cannot feel what you do, we cannot experience life from your eyes, but only our own. That doesn't mean that we're not interested in listening, caring and trying to understand. I wish I could make it all better but I can't, I wish we could cry together and leave it behind. I wish that I could snap my fingers and everything suddenly becomes okay, I really do. You have been given this battle for a reason and giving up and blaming yourself is not the way to go"
"You're right"
That's all I can say...
:
I leaned against the wall as I stood outside of the dressing room waiting for Ashton, staring at the pictures on my lock screen. It made me smile but there's still sadness behind that same smile. Can you miss something you never really had the chance to give your all to?
"I know him"
I locked my phone and looked back to see a girl looking over my shoulder.
"Okay"
