Transport(Aris Jones x reader)

15) I Was Seven

I didn't say anything for the past three hours we had been walking. Everyone else seemed to be doing fine, talking, cracking jokes, and laughing. Every now and then someone would ask me something, and I'd nod my head like I heard. Every time I pretended I didn't feel like clutching my ears and screaming so loud it could be heard from the heavens.

"Hey, what's that?"Frypan asked, stopping and kneeling. I stood on my toes to see if I could get an idea of what he was talking about. Unfortunately, I was too far back.

It's a stone. It has some writing on it.

I didn't ask what the writing said. Even if I didn't know I wouldn't dare. It seems cruel and like an overreaction, but something inside me told me not to let my guard down anymore. Something deep inside was protecting me. It was the feeling I had as a little kid when my parents were arguing. Someone was going to be hurt really soon, and for once I wouldn't be that person.

"What does it mean? If Thomas is the real leader what's the point of their stupid tattoo?"Minho exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air. I always wondered how someone with such deadly pride would react to finding out they weren't as important as they were made out to be. Now I got to see it first hand.

Less than a day ago I would want to laugh at his reaction. Instead, I felt bad for him. It wasn't his ego that was bruised. Nothing that happened anymore was truly real. How could he believe anyone if something forever etched into his skin is a lie?

Thomas is the real leader.

I sighed in some kind of emotion. Maybe it was frustration? Guilt at myself for ignoring him? Anger for the guilt? Exhaustion and worry?

No. The answer is all of them. There was to much happening to me. Then, there was something worse on top of them. I was numb to everything. This is bound to have some kind of effect on me if I go home. How could I pretend none of this ever happened? I killed someone. I saved someone's life. I nearly died. When I got home I couldn't say anything, and I know I can't get a therapist.

When I go home I'll be alone. The more I dwell on it the more I remember those days with my brother. That summer I took him down the river he screamed at me in the car because I wouldn't give him my phone with data. I was the one paying for my bill. Every time we carved figurines together he'd see mine and destroy it because 'I wasn't allowed to be better than him'. When I played Xbox with him he would scream at me if something went wrong because 'I should have learned to play better. I should have cared more about what he likes. If I really loved him I would try harder'. My parents sat by and said the same thing.

'He's just showing his love. You know how he is.'

Why didn't I get that treatment? How come every time I did something it was wrong? I was the only one who did the dishes, but it wasn't good enough. I would sometimes bring home a B and I was going to fail in life. 'You'll be nothing but a leech because you don't bother to try.'

Then, my brother would bring home a D, and my parents would proudly say 'look at that plus at the end. All you can do is try your hardest. We're proud of you.'

He'd look at me with that smug grin and a glint in his eyes because he had won again. He'd look over and mouth 'maybe you should have been born a boy'.

It was true. I told my parents what he said when I was seven. I sobbed my little heart out when I ran to them. They didn't confirm or deny it. They just told me 'my brother was young so I should be more patient. I was older so I had to be more mature.' I knew right then I would never be good enough for them.

I was seven when my parents broke my heart. I was seven when I knew if my own parents couldn't love me no one else could. I was seven when I knew I would never deserve anything in their eyes.

I'm seventeen now, and I've figured it all out. I'd forever be chasing what can never be reached, running towards a finish line that moves further each time I'm almost there. Then, I'd be blinded by unconditional love. Families were expected to love each other.

I tried. I really really tried.

I felt my knees buckle from under me and fell into the hot sand. It dug past the fabric and skinned my knees. My legs refused to work. My entire body has decided not to cooperate with me. I was drained. I was tired. I was pathetic. I was everything my parents had called me and more.

"Y/N, come on. You have to get up,"Aris said, tugging on my arm. We had fallen behind everyone else. Everyone was too distracted to notice us.

That we and us actually didn't belong in that sentence. There was never a we. There was never an us. It could be I because I could only count on myself.

"Are you thirsty? Here,"He said, offering me water.

"Keep it,"I mumbled, not looking up.

"Are you hurt?"He asked, kneeling down to look at me.

I couldn't feel any bleeding. There were no new bruises on my skin. None of my bones were broken, but I was indeed hurt. On the inside I was dying. I had been for a while now. I just had my stories to push it off, just a while longer. Just another chapter, just another opportunity to ignore the pain.

You can't stay here. You have to get up, okay?

Please go look at the stone with the others. I won't leave. I promise.

No. Something's wrong.

Nothing's wrong. I'm just tired.

I can see past that, and we both know it.

"Don't worry about me. I'm okay. I just didn't sleep last night,"I waved him off.

Liar.

"Stop that. Don't use that anymore. Just stop acting like you know anything about me. You're not my therapist. You're just another damaged kid in a ruined world."

He looked at me like he had stumbled across something important. I could tell he was remembering something significant. I don't know what it was, and I didn't care.

Liar. You're a liar.

Yeah, I am but not about this. He could disappear in front of my eyes, and I wouldn't blink.

"It sounds like there's more you want to say, and yeah I am a damaged kid in a damaged world. Look around. We could die at any minute."

"What's your point?"

"We didn't ask to be this way. We didn't deserve to be let down by everyone in our lives, by all the adults who were supposed to protect us, but we were. Now we move forward because if you spend all your time thinking about that you'll lose your mind. I learned that first hand."

It sounded rehearsed, almost memorized. He looked puzzled at everything I was doing. I knew I had to get up, but I couldn't.

I just want to wait here until the others are ready to leave.

Then, I'll stay with you.

"You can't,"I sighed.
"Why?"He asked.

"Because I'll start talking again, and I'm scared I won't be able to stop."