Transport(Aris Jones x reader)

21) Good Liars and Terrible Lies

Aris's P.O.V

I knew Y/N was going to want to talk about yesterday, and it killed me that I had to lie to her. I was going to hurt her so much. I should have known better. Everyone I love ends up in pain. I was about to be a direct cause of hers. For just a little bit she was fixing the cracks. Even if they were still there the scars were on their way to healing because of her. Now I had to not only break the girl I loved but destroy her.

I heard her footsteps. I wished I could just push this off a little longer. For just one last night I wanted her to know how much I truly loved her. She had become my everything. Now I had to be her nothing.

"We need to talk."

"There's nothing to talk about,"I mumbled, turning over so I didn't have to see her face. After all this time I was still a coward. This was all I was and all I ever would be.

"Aris,"She snapped. I kept my eyes closed. If I opened them I would cry like it was what I needed to do to survive. It was the same way I had needed her to survive. I still do, but soon I have to learn to stop. After this she would never forgive me, and I understood why.

We're going to talk about this whether you like it or not.

No we aren't. Just go to sleep.

Really? Why the hell wouldn't we talk about this?

Talking to her the way we had been doing, the way that had caused those inside jokes hurt. I knew if I stopped it would hurt her to. I didn't want her to feel any more pain than she had to, but there wasn't any other choice.

"It's better if we pretend nothing happened, and you know it."

I could tell by the stunned silence it was hurting her. Little by little I was breaking her.

You don't get to run from me, and you definitely don't get to decide what's best for me. I worked to hard to stop closing myself off, and I did it for you. You can't pretend nothing happened because something big did. I don't know what, but I want to know, and I need you by my side to help me.

I tried to make myself believe this wasn't real. That it was a fucked up joke that I could take back. I wanted to stop hearing that pure agony in her voice. It was even smaller than the one she had that night held her. She had wiped my tears that night. She hadn't pulled away, and if Newt wasn't there I would have kissed her like she was my oxygen. I would have told her it was okay now, and I would make sure of it. Instead, I told her one day it might.

Aris.

I curled up to make myself as small as I felt. If only it was her I was holding right now.

Jesus Aris. Answer me! I need you to help me right now! I know you feel it, and I don't know what it is. Help me Aris. You know more about this than me.

Why did she have to keep saying my name? It sounded to right coming from her, but what I was doing was so wrong.

"Fine. We were under a bunch of mysterious drugs that night. You didn't feel anything real, and neither did I."

You don't tell someone all the things we did because you're on something. We were able to tell that it was hard. We said we tried to stop, but we couldn't. We shared something before that, and we weren't on anything. You held me. We wiped each other's tears so don't sit here and lie to me.

I took a shaky breath reminding myself why I had to do this. If I didn't I would lose her forever. That smaller chance was all I could hang on to. Even if it didn't happen she would be safe. I at least owed her that much.

"We were both emotional. There was nothing there. Stop lying to yourself. I don't love you."

The words that left my mouth didn't feel like mine. It was my voice, my tone, and everything else, but they didn't belong to me.

I could hear the sharp intake of her breath. How could I ever say that when she was the one who hadn't just numbed my pain, but helped me make it a little better? She knew it wouldn't leave, but she helped me understand it. She was putting the pieces where they belonged, and she asked for nothing in return. She was to good for any world to exist. It was almost unreal how much she did without knowing. By existing she had changed me. Now my existence would haunt her.

Don't push me away Aris. Don't pretend what we had wasn't real.

"It wasn't."

I may not be here forever. I may leave, and when I do-

What don't you understand? You're stuck here forever. Nothing can change that. Nothing, absolutely nothing in the world will fix it!

Nothing in the world could fix this. I was such a liar, such a good for nothing coward. I would always need her. She had become me second heartbeat. No matter what happened she would always have a hold on me. She would forever own my heart. This was the one whose heart I was shattering like it was useless glass, that I was breaking like it was nothing. If only things were different, if I was different. I'd hold her forever and never let go. I'd kiss her and never pull apart. I wouldn't need to breathe because I'd have her. I could have sworn our lips were made for each other. I never found out if our hands were the same way, and I never would.

"You're wrong, and when I leave I hope it kills you. I hope you remember me so I'm the last thing you think about at night. I hope I'm carved into these pages, and when I get out you'll go to talk to me before remembering I left for good. Aris Jones, I hate you."

Every word felt like a stab to the chest. How could this be real? Even worse how could I fool myself into thinking we would ever be anything that could last a lifetime? If only I fought harder for the girl who had trusted me enough to let me love her. She had loved me and accepted every bad thing that came with it. She showed me so much of who she was, and I adored every part of her. I wanted to know if there was more she was still hiding and let her know I loved those parts to.

She left, and I let her go. I was really letting her walk away like I didn't care. For a second I wanted to scream her name and tell her the truth. I wanted her to know how much she had meant to me. Then, I remembered why I couldn't. This was the only way.

I heard quiet crying leave her. I looked at her because if she was in pain I needed to feel it to the full extent. I almost wanted to turn away as I did. Every part of her was shaking. She had curled up and held herself like it would protect her. She had learned to cry silently.

I let myself cry with her. For every terrible thing I had done, for all the lies I tell, and for her. She had showed me every side she had hid. We were so connected, and now I had to do the impossible and break everything we ever had. I had to make sure she felt a pain she could never come back from.

With those last thoughts I didn't let myself sleep, choosing to grieve for the love I still had, and the girl right in front of me.