You loving me is my biggest flex

19.

(Song: Paralyzed~ NF)
(Or the Song: Not up to me~ Kandle)
Rafe knew what a panic attack felt like but it hit him full force.
He sat on the ground, his hands shaking and his lungs not able to breath properly.
He was underwater and he suffocated.
The darkness closed around him, clouding his vision and leaving him raw and fragile to his surroundings.
She had left him...
And he hurt her. It was his fault. His fault alone... he felt sick as if he needed to throw up. Everything closed around him, caging him and his fathers' hands suffocated his very being.
He grabbed at his shirt, wanting to rip in apart to just give him more space. Hell—he needed some space, he needed to get rid of that itchy fabric. He wanted to rip it away, full knowingly that it in fact wouldn't change his feelings.
He clawed at his skin, way too tight over his chest, locking him, narrow... narrow.
Rafe heaved, his fingers clawing into the stubbles on his hair. The panic attacks and this self harming coping mechanism had been the reason he cut it short. Now realizing that ripping out his hair was no longer an option he seemed to settle a bit. His nails scratching over the fragile skin. Blood seeping out and settling under his nails.
His dad... he needed his dad.
How paradox his brain worked.
Wasn't his dad the one who put him into this position? But how else could help him now?
With violently shivering hands he pulled out his phone and tried to dial the number of his father.
Please pick up...
Please pick up...
And he in fact did.
In the end Rafe did not remember what he said and how he even found the strength to speak.
He only remembered the exhausted voice of his dad and the way he told him to get over it. But it in fact only got worse and Rafe mumbled something like:"Dad imma faint."
The call ended and a little while later his dad rushed to him, kneeling beside him before pulling him up and waking inside.
He sat Rafe on the couch, fearing he might collapse with this shallow breathing and hitting him on the cheek to keep him focused.
Because: Nah, his son would not come crawling back because of some stupid break-up! Did he think his dad could solve all problems? He wasn't his psychiatrist.
It took about ten minutes for Rafe to stop hyperventilating and about half an hours until he stopped sobbing into his dads shoulder, mumbling about his drug misuse and his desire to take cocaine right now. Like right now! And dad please let me take it! Dad please I need to get away. Let me go! Dad I'm so sad. Im tired, dad, I'm so so tired.
Eventually he fell asleep on his lap, cradled close and covered by the thick and heavy blanket.
His father had expected such an out turn, though he did not expect it to break him like that.
He did not want to admit it but he was afraid.
Why was his son such a burden?
Why couldn't he just follow orders without questioning them?
Why did he have to create such a mistake?

Aresu did not know better. She had cried in her bed for almost half of the day, looking out of the window into the grey world, clouds heavy with pain and tears. The weather had looked wonderful yesterday, the rain had been a blessing and their sanctuary. Now? Now it was just hopelessness and pain. The evening yesterday had been horrible and the thought of this conflict made her shiver. She felt so utterly betrayed.
Was anything even real or was all that just a lie? All her feelings? All his comfort? His love?
And these thoughts made her mad. Her eyes gleamed with fury.
How could he?!
He had used her in the worst way possible and now her trust crumbled into shiny shreds.
Why?
Why did she had to fall for him?
Why did she still love him?
Why?! Why!!? WHY?!?!
She wanted to hate him but all she felt was hurt and betrayal.
At 2pm JJ had called to ask where she was. They had planned on meeting at the new-built hut. She did not appear and all the others begun to worry, he said.
She remembered their talk from last week:
"Listen girl, we love ya. But that man ain't gonna do you any good," explained Cleo.
"How do you know? I've never ever been happier! Finally I found someone who shares wonderful things with me, finally I have friend and a beautiful home and finally I am not only confined to my room. Why is it that you guys wanna forbid it immediately? If you care about my safety you don't have to. I'm grown, I can protect myself, I can say NO if I want to. But actually I haven't said no to anything yet!
Once a pogue, always a pogue! I won't choose him over you or anything. I can do both." Grisu first pouted angrily but then smiled at them to show that she did not want to anger her friends.
"Nah we don't want to forbid you anything. It's just... you weren't here when all that shit happened," said John B and hugged her.
"You come to us when anything happens, alright?" Pope said and joined to hug.

"You come to us when anything happens, alright?"

"Can you guys come over?" She whispered and buried her face in her pillow.
"Of course. We'll be over soon."
The "soon" did indeed not take long. They were running, if one looked at their sweaty foreheads, pantings and rain-soaked cloths.
She had opened the door and immediately started crying, not caring about her appearance or the shame she felt.
"I should've listened!" She wept, being held by JJ's strong arms. Sahra looked at her with pity and joined the hug.
"You know you can really talk about everything. No need to be ashamed," John B said and closed the door behind them.
Grisu nodded, eyes swollen, puffy and red from crying.
"His dad made freaking pictures of us!"
"My dad did fucking what?!" Sahra exclaimed, eyes widening.
After that Grisu explained all that happened and buried her face in JJ's crook of his neck.
"That's so messed up, what the fuck is wrong with him?!"
"I saw what dad can do. I kind of also can imagine what he said to make Rafe act that way."
"You protecting him now?!" Asked Cleo.
"Nah. Not his actions. He's a dick. I just know that dad can manipulate and Rafe isn't good at expressing his feelings."
"I know so too but I just thought that he'd not make me do such things. I would never even think about leaving you guys for his damn father," said Grisu and sat up straighter, shoulders shivering not from the cold but the lack of touch from JJ.
"What do you plan on doing now?" He asked and Aresu shrugged her shoulders.
"I don't...know. I love and hate him at the same time. I think about all the things we did and I cannot really think that everything was fake. I know it wasn't. It couldn't be. I love him. I love him so much and it hurts."
"I don't think it was all fake," Sahra said and smiled sadly.
"Rafe is brutal and insensitive. But he either cares too much or not at all. He wouldn't use you like that, he'd be too bored if it was fake. He wouldn't even spare you a glance," Sahra said and looked at the floor in shame. She knew that she talked way too good to her brother, she also knew that she'd never forgive him. But right now she seemed to understand one thing. Humans could change. He changed for her. And she needed to protect that new improvement. That fragility that he had shared to her best friend. And she knew father... she knew Rafe's weakness.
"I'm going to confront father now," she exclaimed and stood up.
"What?"
"It's not Rafe's fault. Well, partly it is but I'm not letting dad get away with it. Grisu, you don't have to decide for one side. You're not a Pogue, neither a Kook. You are our friend and I'm not gonna let this isles hierarchy ruin your relationship, not when it makes both of you happy!"
Before Aresu could answer, Sahra had stormed outside.

Both had sought comfort in another person. Rafe's father had blamed and hit him.
Aresu's friends had come without questioning it.