The Maine Attraction

20. Thoughts

Sawyer

Dani and Callum were returning from their honeymoon tomorrow and I couldn't help but feel nervous about everything. I knew they'd be moving into their house in a couple days and a part of me didn't want Avery to go with them. I wasn't sure what things were going to look like with them being back, but I knew that if she stayed with me, at least we'd still be able to spend some time alone without looking suspicious. I knew she was going to hate the fact that I was basically asking to sneak around. I hated it too. We were far too old for things like that, but I couldn't help it.

My head was a mess, trying to figure everything out. The more time I spent with Avery, the more I found myself wanting her to stay in Maine. I didn't want her to go back to California, I wanted to keep her here and I wanted to figure things out with her.

I kept going through different scenarios in my head, trying to figure out how to navigate things and how to talk to Callum about this entire situation. Every time I got anywhere, I'd talk myself out of it. I couldn't even understand why, I had no idea what I was so afraid of. Was I that afraid of pissing off my best friend? Was I that afraid of trying things with Avery because I was afraid of what would happen if things didn't work out? Was I afraid of dragging her into my own personal issues? It's not even like I had that many things wrong with my life. It was just that the biggest thing wrong with my life was my mom and she was quite literally the most important person in my life. All of my focus had been on her for so long, that I was almost afraid if I stopped focusing on her that things would take a turn for the worst.

I knew she was frustrated. I was also frustrated. I was so in my head about everything that at this point, I had no idea how to even get out of it. My thoughts were spiraling and I'd never in my life felt this way about anyone. All of the girls that I'd ever dated or hooked up with in the past had been easy. They were easy relationships and maybe that's part of the reason they didn't work out, they were too easy.

With Avery, things aren't quite as simple. I've got more going on now that she's trying to come back into my life and her brother is an entirely new level of discomfort and complications. It's not that I didn't want to work on it, I just felt like I'd never had to put this much thought into things before and now that I did, I couldn't get a single thought in order.

I think that's why a part of me had been keeping things mostly physical, at least in conversation. That was the part that was easy for me. It was easy for me to talk to her about sex because it was easy to keep that surface level. But I knew that I couldn't keep doing that, I knew sooner or later she was going to want a deeper conversation.

I kept going back to the conversation I had with her on the couch after we had dinner with my parents. She voiced her thoughts to me and I voiced my own right back. I told her exactly what was going on in my head and I told her that she helped make all the noise in my head stop. That was probably the most I'd talked about my feelings in a while and it felt strange. I liked it, but it also made me uncomfortable. I liked being open with her, but I was also afraid to be that open again. I was afraid to let her in on everything because I'd never been that open with anyone and what if I said the wrong thing?

Things used to be so easy for Avery and I. When I saw her as a little sister, I never questioned anything that we ever spoke about. I always wanted to know everything that was going on in her life and she always wanted to know everything that was going on in mine. We talked to each other all the time, we joked about things, things were never complicated. Of course, the second I stopped knowing how to be around her I made things complicated between us. Now I never know what I'm even going to say to her. I still feel that pulling in both directions. The part of me that wants to joke around with her and have fun. The part of me that wants to listen to her talk for hours on end about anything and everything.

Then there was the part of me that felt like I needed to put a barrier between us. Things had picked up so quickly after Callum and Dani went on their honeymoon and there was that part of me that was nervous by it all. That little voice in my head was telling me that I needed to take a step away from her because this was wrong.

But then there was a new part of me... one that was surfacing more and fighting more with the part that wanted to distance myself from her. That part of me was stronger than the friendship part of me wanting to have fun and make her laugh. It was the one that had my heart beating faster each time I looked at her. It was the part of me that melted each time I held her hand or kissed her.

That third part was the part of me that I didn't understand.

I loved spending time with her. I loved having her stay with me. I loved listening to the sound of her voice and the sound of her laughter. I loved the way her body felt against mine, both in bed and out. I loved the way that she made me feel. She made me feel confident in myself, she made me feel like the old Sawyer. The Sawyer I was when my mom was healthy and I didn't worry so much about things. I loved that she could sense when I was stressed out or anxious and immediately stepped in to help calm me down.

So why was all of this so confusing? Why was I so conflicted? Shouldn't this be easy? My parents ended up together with no issues. When Callum meant Dani, there were no second thoughts in his mind and she was it for him almost immediately.

I hated that I couldn't figure out what to do about Callum. It's not like Callum was a bad or mean person. I couldn't even justify it myself as to why I was so afraid to talk to him about anything. I think a part of it was that I couldn't even get my own thoughts in order, so what was I supposed to tell him?

Hey Callum, I've been seeing your sister but I have no idea what to do about it because I can't decide if I love her or if I want to distance myself from her because things are just too complicated right now.

Love.

Whoa.

There was no way that the things I was starting to feel for Avery was love. There was no way that things would be this complicated if it was love. That's not what love is supposed to feel like, right?

How could I even love her and start something with her a month before she is due to go back to California? What the hell would that even look like for us? If we were going to figure something like that out, I would need to talk to Avery about more than just sex because our relationship clearly couldn't be physical if she was on the literal opposite end of the country.

Fuck me.

My mom was right the other day though. She mentioned that I looked happier and even at peace when I was next to Avery. I do feel happier being around her and she actually does bring a sense of peace that I haven't felt in a very long time.

So why was all of this so confusing for me?

Why couldn't I make sense of any of this?