The Maine Attraction

32. Confession

Dear Sawyer, 

I know that you may not want to hear from me, but I'm taking a chance and writing you this letter because there's some things I need to tell you before I go back to California. I wanted to start by saying that I am sorry if I messed up this summer for you or made it more complicated than it needed to be. I know that you're dealing with a lot with your family and if I added any more stress, then I am sorry. It was never my intention. 

I know that neither one of us knew what to expect going into this summer, so I think we were both taken for a little bit of a wild ride with all of the events that took place. When I came home, I didn't even know if you were going to speak to me. I had no idea that I would be kissing you, that I'd be hooking up with you, and that with all of that, I'd be falling in love with you. 

Yes, I said it and I mean it with my whole heart. 

Sawyer Evans, I am so in love with you that it hurts. 

Everyone knew that I had a crush on you when we were growing up, it wasn't as big of a secret as I thought it was. You were my brother's cute best friend that was so nice to me every single time you saw me. If you didn't expect me to have a crush on you, then you're insane. But it was always just that; a crush. I knew in my heart that I never had a chance with The Sawyer Evans. I was the crazy one for thinking I ever did. I knew the type of girls that you liked, I listened to you talk about them all the time. I also knew that I'd never measure up to them. But to me, that was okay because even though you were my brother's best friend... you were my friend too. 

When we were younger, you never made me feel like I wasn't allowed to hang out with you. If you were getting food, you'd get something for me too. When I hugged Callum after football games, you would hug me too. When you two were playing games, you would try to include me wherever you could. Even as we got a little older and you went off to college, you'd come home and pick things back up with me like we were never even apart. 

I think maybe there's a part of me that has always loved you, but I thought I was too young for any of that. It didn't make sense for me to feel like I loved you, so I told myself that I was just confused or that I was just being dramatic. 

Then something changed and you started growing a little distance from me. There was a pain in my heart that I'd never experienced before. I thought I was losing you. But the weird thing was... it never made sense to feel like I was losing you because you were never mine to begin with. How could I lose something that I never actually had? You were there, but you weren't. You pulled me back and forth and I went along with it because I wanted to do anything that would make you happy. 

I still do. 

So that's why, even after everything this summer I am still in love with you. I still want you to be happy, even if that means you crumble this up and pretend like you never read it. I promise I won't be mad at you if you do.

Whatever happens from here, I just need to get my truth out. I need to know that you know how I feel about you.

The night that your mom fell, I was actually going to tell you that I loved you. Things were getting really complicated and I couldn't hold it back any longer. I thought maybe if I tell you how I feel, if I can convince you to talk to my brother with me, that things would be okay. That we would be okay...

Then you got the call about your mom and I knew immediately that wasn't important anymore. The only thing that was important to me in that moment was making sure you were where you needed to be. You looked nervous, so I drove you to make sure you got to the hospital okay. I sat in the waiting room because I knew that you might need a hug when you came back out. I wanted to be there for you, because I love you and I hate seeing you in pain.