Mercedez 3: Wildfire Games

11

Lose

On what degree do we admit to ourselves that our feelings had changed? Ano ang basehan no'n?

Sapat na ba ang kalituhan? Sapat na ba ang nag uumapaw na emosyon, positibo man o negatibo? O may mas malalim pa na hindi ko pa kailanman mawari?

What's jealousy?

Did I ever feel jealous?

Sa mga kapatid ko... minsan ba ay nagselos ako?

Viau is a boy. Growing up with him... knowing that we have different likes... tastes... dislikes... I never felt jealous. We have different toys. We never fought over little things because of jealousy. Kahit pa atensyon ng parents namin ay hindi namin pinag awayan dahil ramdam namin na pantay lamang ang binibigay nina mommy sa amin. Kung ano ang sa akin, iyon din ang sa kaniya. Siguro, the only similar thing between us is our long list of relationships. Paano ba naman kasi, eh, mukhang sumunod sa yapak ko.

Denver... is also a boy. And he's a baby. He is the spoiled one. The favorite. Hindi siya nahihirapang kuhanin ang atensyon ng lahat. Everyone cares for him. Everyone worries about him. And everyone includes me, his ate. I care for him. I love him.

I took care of him everytime our parents were away for work. Kapag medyo wala ako sa mood, Viau will take over. It's obvious that he's more excited when Viau is around and I think it's because my brothers like the same things. At hindi naman ako kailanman nainggit sa gano'n.

Sa mga pinsan ko... minsan ba ay nagselos ako?

Kay ate Gucci... she's the very good girl sa aming lahat. Lumaki akong palaging naririnig ang mga papuri para sa kaniya.

"Wow, Gucci, ang galing mo!"

"Very good, ate Gucci!"

"Gucci is really a perfect girl."

"Yung ganda ng pinsan mo, hindi nakakasawa. Sobrang nagagandahan talaga ako sa kaniya."

"Buti pa si Gucci, ang bait! Mahinhin saka napaka perpekto. Tingin mo, pwede mo kaya akong ilakad sa kaniya, Hali?"

Ilan lamang iyon sa mga umukit sa memorya ko sa nagdaang mga taon.

Simula pa noong bata pa ako, hindi naiiwasang maipagkumpara kaming dalawa. It's one thing that we only had a year of an age gap, and it's another thing that we are polar opposites.

Siguro natatanong ko dati, noong medyo teenager na ako, kung bakit. Pero mabilis din naman iyon na nawawaglit sa isipan ko dahil nahihiya ako na nagpapadala ako sa gano'n. Ate Gucci is the most genuine, most sincere, and the best woman I know... and to think bad of her is the worst that I could ever do. Ayoko ng ganoon. Hindi niya deserve.

Kaya kailanman ay hindi ako nagselos sa kaniya. I just let other people's words out of my ears.

While Steve... nah, that man is the best man out there. He is literally the man. I love him so much that to feel jealous of him over something or just anything, never crossed my mind.

And his sister... Shaniel... hindi rin. Shaniel is our baby when Denver was still not in our lives. She was our princess and she matters a lot to us. Kaya never akong nagselos do'n.

My friends? Sa dami ng kaibigan ko at iba iba ang purpose nila sa life ko kaya hindi naman talaga sumagi sa isip ko ang gano'n. They all matter to me and we have that bond na walang bahid ng inggit at selos.

My exes? Wala rin. I'm too detached and guarded to feel something like that. Ikinaiinis pa nga nila dahil hindi ako selosa. Shouldn't they be thankful that I'm not though? Well... thinking about it... I think I might have hurt their feelings. Hindi ko naman idinedeny iyon. I know what I have done, that's why I always made sure to set things straight. We're going to enter this relationship but please know that I don't love you. If you can't deal with this, then I would advice you to leave. It may have sounded like a script or a spiel kasi paulit ulit iyong lumalabas sa bibig ko ngunit, it is what it is. Either they take it or leave it.