Mercedez 3: Wildfire Games

34

Downfall

How do you properly grieve when you feel nothing at all?

How should I react with my loss when, in fact, I don't feel anything?

I was just numb.

Empty.

Everyone around me is sorry for me. My family are grieving. Even the Arcullis visited me in the hospital and hugged me so tight, expressing their hurt and pain. At night, I wake up from my boyfriend's cries of agony. He tries to tone down his cries but the pain was so loud that I wake up to it.

I remember waking up one night while he was praying for me. I was awake, but I didn't open my eyes. Dahil alam kong nasa tabi ko lamang ito at umiiyak na naman.

Time may have passed by like a blur to the rest, but to me, it stood still. To me, I was still stuck inside a box that is made of glass. Yet, all I can see is a bright white light.

To many, it must be something beautiful... something to be grateful for. To others, white is hope. But for me, it's just everything but emptiness. A void that can never be filled in. A canvas that when painted, it is going to be more chaotic. So it has to remain white.

Kaya ang mga mata ko ay madalas, nasa dingding lamang nakatuon. O hindi kaya ay sa kisame. Dahil doon ako tahimik. Kalmado.

"Ito na ba ang lahat ng mga gamit ninyo, hijo?" Narinig ko ang malamyos na boses ni mommy ilang sandali matapos bumukas ang pinto.

My eyes remained on the white wall. I was still sitting on the hospital bed, my back facing their direction. Ang isang kamay ko ay nakasapo sa isa pa. Marahan ko iyong hinaplos, yung parte kung saan kakatanggal lamang ng dextrose na naging parte ng aking katawan ng ilang araw.

Kagabi lamang ay binigyan na kami ng go signal ng doktor ko na makauwi. Medyo nakakabawi naman na ng lakas ang aking katawan matapos ang ilang araw na pagkakahilata. Tatlong araw na simula noong magising ako, at ramdam ko ang pananakit ng aking pagkababae at bandang puson, halatang may batang inilabas doon.

Naligo nga ako kahapon ay kitang kita ko ang maliit na tahi sa parteng iyon ng aking katawan. I would have freaked out but I didn't. I just... feel nothing. May lumabas na bata, iyon lang.

Wala rin namang magagawa kung iisipin ko pa. Lalo na't hindi man lang ako binigyan ng pagkakataon na makita siyang buhay.

Kinuha nila sa akin iyon.

Kinuha ng babaeng iyon ang paraiso ko.

Giniba niya ang kasiyahan ko.

At wala akong lakas na magalit o kasuklaman ang nangyari. Dahil para saan pa? Wala. Wala pa ring mangyayari.

Nakakapagod.

"Opo, tita. Naligpit ko na po lahat."

Someone sighed.

"Your family took over muna. Pinagpahinga ko muna si Viau. Kailangan niya rin iuwi muna si Denver."

"Mabuti naman po at pumayag na siya," kasunod no'n ay buntong hininga. "Kayo rin po ni tito, magpahinga po muna kayo."

"Huwag mo na kaming intindihin, hijo. You both need every support there is right now."

Then my mom called for some bodyguards para daw ibaba na ang mga gamit namin. Nasa baba na raw si daddy, naghihintay.

"Hindi pa rin ba siya nagsasalita?"

"Hindi pa rin po. Ganiyan lang po siya palagi. Tulala at hindi makausap. Hindi ko nga po alam kung naririnig niya ba ako. Ilang beses na rin siyang sinubukan na kausapin ng psychologist pero hindi talaga umuubra. I was just told to give her time."