Mercedez 3: Wildfire Games

22

Paparazzi

Walang imik na nilagpasan lamang ako ni Ylan at tuloy-tuloy na sumakay sa elevator. Sinundan ko ito ng tingin at sa huli ay napabuntong hininga na lamang.

I know that this is another taint in our friendship. And I get him. He's just worried about me. He cares about me. He's concerned and doesn't want me to get hurt. Above all that, he loves me.

But what can I do?

I love Hadzri. I want to risk it all for him. Handa akong ibuhos ang lahat ng kaya kong ibuhos nang sa huli ay wala akong pagsisisihan.

I am very aware of how new I am to this. I have never fallen in love. Ngayon pa lang. And honestly, I am just acting by my insticts. And my insticts tell me that love is unconditional. Love is limitless. Love knows no boundaries. Love is a faithful commitment.

I have been raised in an environment where I realized that I can only depend on myself. Rarely do I allow another person to do things for me. Because I am a perfectionist. I don't want anyone to ruin anything for me.

Growing up, I developed this tough walls called hyperindependence, protecting me from possible disappointments that could fail me and my expectations.

My father whom I thought could protect me from all the harm this world could give me, failed to do so. And I fucking hate it that I am feeling that way even though deep inside, I know that it was not even his fault.

He was working. And I went to his office early, excited dahil makikita ko na naman siya after a day of not seeing each other because he came from an overseas flight. Naabutan ko roon ang co-pilot niya at nakipag usap dahil naeengganyo ako nito. Then the assault happened, which my girlhood never saw coming. Daddy came late because of an emergency meeting. It was too late. My innocence already flew out of the window.

Isang beses lamang nangyari, pero yung disappointment na naramdaman ko noong time na 'yon ay habambuhay na yatang naka ukit sa akin.

I remember how dazed I was that time, wondering what did just happen. Wondering why I was feeling so against the touches of that man, so disgusted. I remember feeling so numb and just confused.

Until years went by, I grew up, and realized what really happened. That it wasn't normal. That it was an assault. I was sexually assaulted by a disgusting man.

Diring diri ako sa sarili. Halos ikabaliw ko ang realization na iyon. Simula noon ay mas naging over protective ako sa sarili. I detached from romantic relationships. I just keep boyfriends for a company.

Then at some point, I searched for love. I wondered about it. However, I couldn't just find it kahit ilang palit pa ng boyfriend ang gawin ko. So I stopped. Tinanggap ko na hanggang ganoong setup lang ang kaya kong ibigay.

Hanggang doon lang.

Kaya ngayon na... may nakatibag na ng napakatayog kong dingding... Ngayon na may nakapagparamdam na sa akin ng sobra sobrang emosyon na halos hindi ko na ma-contain lahat... Ngayon na, finally, nagmamahal na ako... parang hindi ko na talaga kayang pakawalan ito.

Hindi. Hindi ko kaya.

Gusto ko siya.

Mahal ko siya.

Kailangan ko siya.

I never needed anyone in my life... not even a man to complete me... but Hadzri made me.

Siya lang.

Tuluyan na akong pumasok sa unit pagkatapos maiwang nakatayo sa labas ng ilang minuto.

Naabutan ko si Hadzri na naka upo sa armrest ng couch. His legs were crossed lazily against each other. Nakahalukipkip ito at madilim ang tingin na nakapukol sa akin.