Waiting

22

"That's why I called you here" he joked. "But first, lets gets some good food." He got up and served me some Mac and cheese and added two chicken wings on the side. My favorite.

We ate in silence for a while, before he decided to talk. "Are you okay?"

"It's nothing." There was no point of lying to Adam. We both knew the answer already. But, I wasn't gonna answer him so easily.

"Why?"

"I have PTSD idiot" I laughed. I liked when we both used to call each other idiots while we were dating. Key word: were.

He shrugged and took a bite of his chicken wing. "And you're gonna let that define you? It may torment you, but shouldn't be the one thing making your life a living nightmare. I don't know exactly what happened to you in the past, but I hope it wasn't because of me."

"It's not you Adam" I mumbled. I didn't like what the past did to me, but it was time I stopped blaming the past for how I am now. I had an opportunity to stop it from happening. It didn't matter if I was young, I should've had enough common sense to say something.

He leaned in and placed his hand over mine. I stopped eating and immediately moved my hand. I put my my head down. Why couldn't the past just shut the fuck up? I can't even eat with the person I love because of this. I'm tired of this shit.

"If you don't want to tell me, I'm not gonna cry. I really have no idea what you want though, Tori. If I support you, you pull back. If I don't, you cut. But like you said, it's nothing."

"It's really not you Adam, okay? I knew this was all a mistake. I probably am too" I chuckled.

"Think of it as this. You know the cheesy line don't look back? Well think about it this way. How is someone supposed to pass their drivers test that way? I mean, you gotta reverse to park the car. My point being that not every bad thing is necessarily wrong. We're not either. Look, a beautiful thing is never perfect. If you can accept it, you're inner beauty can overcome all those insecurities and you'll be the happy Tori I once knew."

"I wouldn't be too confident in that speech if I were you."

"But your not" he replied immediately, his voice harsh. "Your not me, you don't know what it f-feels li-like to- you know what, forget it." He put his head down. "This shit is confusing right now."

Well if all I keep doing is confusing people, then maybe I can just take time to focus on myself. Not even Adam understood. He acts as if it's my fault for feeling what I feel. I didn't ask him to do this if he wouldn't even listen to why the hell all of this was happening in the first place. Ughh, I'm just so done with this.

"Just face it then!" I screamed, which surprised us both. "You're acting as if this is all on you! Face your mistakes and just forget about it gosh."

"Everything is permant sweetheart. Think of it as an eraser; it can never fully erase a mistake. If you try really hard to erase it, you'll only mess up the paper. Same thing goes for life. Every mistake you make is permanent, it always leaves a mark on you. And even if you try to pretend it's not there and move on, you'll still have to live with it. You can't ignore the erase marks. "

I got up from my seat and started walking towards the exit downstairs. I opened the door and it wasn't until he grabbed my red stained wrists when I turned around.

"Look, I didn't just call you here for nothing" he said, his voice still cold. "I wanted to talk to you about something Tori Cooper."

"Clearly" I laughed. Seriously, what did this boy want? I was anxious enough already. What was he gonna say? Something else about how miserable I make him? Well, there was only one thing about him that I don't think he felt about me.

He walked me to the table and he took a seat, while I remained standing.

"Well a-a lot has b-been happening l-lately and I just wanted to say that-"

"I still love you Adam" I blurted out. He leaned in forward, confused about what I said.

"Huh?"

"I said I still freaking love you you idiot."

"Oh um..." he trailed off. He started rubbing his little beard and took one more bite of his Mac and cheese. "Tori, I definitely did not expect that from you. That's not why I called you here."

I blinked simultaneously, trying to figure out what was going on. I literally just left my mom to hear this? All I knew was that I had to push my feelings to the side. I was done with Adam.

"So you did all this pretty much to talk about my illness. You must've found out, felt bad, and think I was stupid enough to fall for it. I'm just so sick of being put through your painful fantasy of what you think is fun. Yeah I said I love you, but all you do is give me reasons not to. Fuck you Adam."

Before a single letter came out his mouth, I started running down the stairs. I could hear his footsteps behind me, but I didn't care. I ran to my room and locked the door.

I just told him the truth. The whole truth. The one thing that was on my mind for the past few years. And he just pushed it away as if it meant nothing. This was not the cold hearted beast I fell in love with.

I could hear him pounding on the wall and I ignored it. My heart was racing and tears were falling down my face as I started searching for a blade.

"Fuck!!!" I screamed while knocking my shelf down. I tossed all of my papers to the floor in desperation. All this time I had to hide my feelings in a box and had to be angry all the time to secure those feelings. But my feelings won't be ignored anymore.

I unlocked the door. Before Adam could justify what happened, I ran back to the top of the building and stood over the edge. I closed my eyes.

Mom, it's been too long since I've seen you. I can't wait anymore.

"Don't do it Tori" he pleaded softly from behind me. I opened my eyes and turned around.

"Is this what you want!" I screamed. "This must be why. You led me through so much pain in the past, as if I wasn't going to do anything about it. Your an asshole, and I can never forgive you for what you did. But I understand now. You want me dead. That's why you did what you did. To make me feel even more worthless than what I am reminded of daily. You never felt the same way. I'm just doing you all a favor. I was taking my time, but now it seems like you want me to speed up the pace. No worries."

I turned around and closed my eyes again.

No more of this Tori, no more.

I took a deep breath before I heard his voice again.

"Don't do it because of me. Don't fall because of me. Push me. Push me off the edge. If you can handle that much torture, so can I."

I wiped the tears from my eyes and looked at him. I never did consider hurting anyone else because of what I went through. I thought I was the blame. But if this is what he wanted, I guess I might as well. I do it to him, and then I do it to myself. Then everything will be over.

He nodded, waiting for me to push him. I hesitated at first, but I had to. I knew I was never going to be able to live with myself for doing this, but it's not like I ever was able to live with myself in the first place. I took a huge breath and turned my head sideways. Before I could even lay a finger on him, he jumped. He jumped off the hospital building.

I heard a huge bang when he hit the floor. He's really gone now.