Waiting

17

Literally everyone in this hospital has thought or considered taking their lives at some point. I've lived with that for over a decade. And now when reality starts to hit Ariane, she wants to let it all out on me? The fuck?

I didn't have any one to turn to with my past. It still haunts me to this day. Just feeling that pain and try to ignore it so people can't see through me. I couldn't save myself. It's not fair if she can.

"Why is that?" I smirked, trying to get rid of the demons inside my head. It was useless, but I wasn't going to reveal the truth to anyone yet, especially not this Barbie bitch.

"Well..." she trailed off. I could tell that her voice was breaking. Wow. There was actually some human under that pile of makeup.

It was already bad enough that I was actually willing to let this tramp explain what's causing her misery. Nobody could ever help me with the reason I started to cut, way before Adam got his disrespectful ass into the picture in the first place.

Adam was not the reason why I cut. I've been through a much more traumatizing experience before he got involved. He was just one of the main factors which made me continue to cut.

"Spit it out Barbie" I said, trying my best not to show my anger.

"You see what you just did?" She stammered. "You just called me Barbie. Again."

"So?" I laughed.

I mean suicide was not something to laugh about, but this shit was hilarious. Here she was, about to have a breakdown about why she feels like ending her life.

For me, suicide was actually a good thing. An escape. I've tried so many other options, but it's been bullshit. So far. I'll be successful one day.

"Look at me Tori. Do I look effing pretty or cute? No. I don't have any beauty. When people look at me, the first thing they think of is fake. I have a great personality, but people are so judgmental they don't even have time for it. And what angers me most about it is-is just- is just you."

Excuse me??? Bitch needs to get that mouth checked. Too much shit is running through her tongue.

One, everybody is judged. Why? Society. If it doesn't fit up to their perfect standards, we're just considered dumb retards who walk around this planet. Almost if not all hospital patients are different.

And as usual, people use that 'different' about us as an excuse to show much more better they are. Like every depressed 12-13 year old would have figured that out by now. What got me was that she didn't even figure it out yet.

But more importantly, WHAT THE HELL DID ANY OF THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ME???

"And my name is included because..."

"FUCK!!" She screamed. "Not for one split second can you just try to shut up and act serious. You have fucking beauty. I'd kill to have your features. The fact that you freaking pretend to hide it all the time makes me feel even more angry. Embrace what I wish to have Tori. So what is Adam is too much of a blind dickhead to realize? Don't waste your time on this earth over someone who doesn't even want to be on earth."

"Thanks for the advice, but you're wrong. The thing about Adam is patience. Some things are worth holding on to, even if they're by tiny strands of hope. Little is better than nothing. And, I rather have him in and out of my life then out of my life completely."

"Right, and cutting is really going to help that?" She asked straight forward

"Fuck you mean???" I didn't tell her that I cut. How could she have known?

"The day we first met. It was obvious to me if not everyone else that you hurt yourself. You came into the bathroom with tears on your face, struggling to cover up your hands with your sweater. When you were washing your hands, I saw the blood stains all over the water. And if that wasn't obvious enough, there's still red stained dent marks on your wall."

Shit.

I was so busy worrying about others that I forgot about what to do with myself. I'm never that lazy when it comes to cleaning up after myself. And now, Ariane knew. I couldn't trust anybody, but I was going to put it to the test for the next two weeks.

"Okay fine you caught me. Yeah yeah I cut and whatever, but don't jump to conclusions about why as much as you jump on dick. Adam is not the reason why I started cutting."

"Then what is?" She asked while crossing her arms. Uh oh.

I never told anyone how I got in here or why I started cutting. What happened in the past was to traumatizing to even think about. It still haunted me to this day. The way it all fell apart. I couldn't see or even touch anyone for close to a year. I couldn't even look at Dave.

I started to bite my finger nails in panic. It wasn't even that I didn't want to tell her, I just didn't want my past to catch up with me.

Even when you're through with the past, there's just some shit in the past that isn't done with you.

I thought I could get over it, but ms nosy Barbie just had to bring it up. I understood that she wanted to take the time to know me, but you just don't go ask a person you barely know some personal questions from out of the blue.

She snapped her fingers in my face. "I'm waiting for your answer ms cutter" she said impatiently. I didn't even have time to process my violation for her. I was literally frozen.

"No,no,no,no,no" I muttered, pacing around the room while continuing to bite my nails. Why couldn't all the shit you wanted to let go just leave you the fuck alone?

All of a sudden, my head started to feel dizzy. I could feel my eyes getting droopy and my breathing intense. Everything became a blur. I instantly fell to the ground, unconscious.

Sleep at last, just not the way I expected.