Waiting

23

He ruined everything. As much as I went through I never meant for anybody to get hurt. Nobody ever really cared how I felt, so why would he hurt himself for me? It WAS NOT because of him that I cut. I guess that's what he meant by 'torture'. He thought it was because of him, and I guess he couldn't handle that much guilt. Now I have to.

But he's probably gone now. I can't take him back. My first and only love. Gone before my eyes. But, I can't really be dramatic since I would've done it anyway... oh shit.

Why the hell would I even think of doing that? A storm of tears poured over my eyes because of what he did to himself, when I was going to do it to him. I'm a monster. I knew it. All I did was hurt myself. And when I let others know about it, they did the same. I always knew I was on a path to destruction, but I thought I would only be hurting myself at the end.

I looked over the building. There were a bunch of doctors hurdling over two bodies on the ground. Not one, but two. I watched them as they put Adam and the other guy get put into gurneys. From below, I saw Dr. Lenner look up and stare at me questioningly. I got scared and ran to the front of the entrance.

When I got there, all I saw was blood. And this time, it wasn't my own. How ironic. The two people had already been rushed inside the hospital, and Dr. Lenner remained standing. He smirked when he saw me.

"Why'd you do it Tori?" He asked. "I keep one blatant lie from you while Adam keeps 100, and so you attempt to kill him." He started chuckling and calmly walked back inside the hospital.

Bitch.

He has so much to say about Adam when he's lied to me constantly for years. He was one of the only people I thought I could trust, and now I find out he's hiding something. Fuck that bitch, I got other things to handle.

I rushed to the hospital room where Adam was. First Rose, now him. I guess they don't save the best for last. My heart stopped as soon as I saw him on the ventilator.

His eyes were closed and a huge gap near his temple. What if he doesn't remember me when he woke up? If he even does. That's all I'm worrying about. I walked up and held his hand.

Mom, please let him stay with me.

I continued mumbling the same words over and over. That's when I realized. If I was going through this much pain seeing Adam's life almost vanishing in my eyes, how was he supposed to feel when it was my turn?

I didn't care if he didn't feel the same way at this point. I didn't care if he didn't know how much hurt I was feeling right now. All I knew is that I knew him. I knew he'd be hurt from this if it were happening to me. Suicide was out of the picture at this point.

But he was right. I should've thought it through about what I said. I don't love him. It takes me seeing his breathing going thin to make me see clearly, an image that took more than tears and hands to draw. I never really loved him. All this time, I was still in love with Adam. I loved my mother, but I was in love with Adam.

Loving someone meant giving him that last cookie. Letting him have that memory of you to carry on. Being in love meant giving that person half of that cookie, half of your heart, and seeing whether he crumbles it to pieces or shares it with you. Sharing that memory together, realizing it would be worthless to have that memory with anyone else.

The year Adam and I spent apart drained my life away, but it was those memories that we spent together that kept me going. I really did care for him.

I heard a gentle knock on the door. Ariane came in with a pen and a piece of paper. She smiled when she saw me, and I returned the smile.

"What's that for?" I asked, wiping the tears from my eyes.

"Tori, I think we're at the level where we share a close bond. No secrets or anything, but an actual friendship. And as a friend, I really don't want you to be alone right now. Forget about the stupid assignment. I'll just say we wanted to give in separate pieces. But I just want you to write everything you're feeling right now on this paper. It's like an escape, a way to express your voice especially at times like these. Write something for you, and for him. You don't have to wait around for days. Just leave your heart out on that paper so he can read it."

She placed the paper and pen on the counter and gave me a hug. "I almost forgot though," she added, "please don't waste my ink. Shit cost me $5.99." I laughed and thanked her.

Ariane had a great point. I still had to live my life. But on that paper, I was going to pour a little of my soul. I took the pen and began writing.

When you go
By: Tori Cooper

When you go, would you let me stay here and cry?

Left here to look up at the sky and wonder why?

Jumping off was a sign that maybe you weren't meant to be mine

My steel armor bursted into flames when you fell,

I couldn't pretend to keep on that tough girl shell

When you go to my mom, can you tell her I said hi?

I'll see her soon anyway, when time goes by

Our precious memories can never die

So when you go, just don't wish to come back

We'll never be together, and I'll leave it like that

But when you go, those memories won't be the end

Your life is already spread thin, but maybe you'll get a chance to begin again

A journey, instead of being put in another gurney

I finally say goodbye, let go of everything we had

There's no time to be sad, but I'll be glad

Your somewhere better, away from misery

When you go, I'll be there too, so don't try much to miss me.

I placed the paper on top of the counter and left. Now he'd really have something to remember me by.

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Hey guys. I figured I'll probably update sometime this week, but then after that my busy days begin. But anyway, I wanna know your thoughts of what's happening so far.

Who do you think was the other person on the gurney?

What do you think of Ariane?

Don't worry, I still got a lot of tricks up my sleeves. Till next time.

Yours truly, me