Waiting

24

Love. They say it's a strong word, like it's glass. But as hard as it looks, it's just so fragile. Thin and simple, but so complicated that it can give you a permanent scar. You don't just love anybody. It's so delicate and fragile, but can only be sharp depending how you use it. There's a violent, abusive kind of love. But never is it aggressive. It's soft and is not easy to be felt. And I learned all of this from Adam.

Regardless of how many years (1) we spent apart, he gave me precious memories of when we were together. I saw all of it in his face. He was dying, his eyes pleading for my help. He was always soft and gentle, but covered himself in a rock shell whenever other people were around. It wasn't easy dealing with, but he needed me now more than ever.

That's why I never loved him. Just loving him wasn't enough to describe the connection I felt with him. It'll go away over time, considering the fact that he doesn't feel the same way. He doesn't need me as much as I need him. But, I'm learning to live without him. It seems like my only option at this point.

I was currently in my room, writing down my feelings in a notebook. Usually I would share the stuff in my notebook with Teresa, but lately she's been getting on my nerves. She always think she can see right through me. Bitch clearly must be color blind or something.

The only person who's getting to like know me was Ariane. I mean, we were both suicidal. Automatically we had a strong bond. But either way, she's helping me get through this by letting me write on my own. I can still express myself using simple but meaningful words and get a decent grade for it. I mean, why not. It's a quicker way to shut these hoes up. And by these hoes, I pretty much mean a few of my inner demons.

After I was done, I put my journal under my bed and walked out. There was someone else that got hurt when Adam fell. I needed to know who it was. So, I walked to the room next to Adam's. Surprisingly, it was the one person who was supposed to help me get through this. Now this person is laying unconscious on a bed with an amputated arm.

My only family left is dying right before my eyes. I overreacted because my ex rejected me again and it costed my brother. Dave and I spent so many precious times together, and he's pretty much gonna die because of me. It's pretty ironic how much I wanted to keep him alive with me yet I'm the cause for something that may lead to his death. And the best part, I didn't feel anything about it.

Fuck hope. I'm done hoping for the best when all I get it the worst. All it's ever done was fuck me over. I hoped one day I won't have to take daily pills. I hoped Adam and I would one day be together. I hoped that mom would come back to help me. But now I gotta help myself. I'm not going to hope anymore. If Dave dies, he dies. If he doesn't, he doesn't. It's whatever at this point.

"Dave" I whispered, "if you're there then wake up. Show me a sign please."

All of a sudden, Dave woke up like a zombie from the dead. He had his arm out and everything. He gasped, as if he drowned or something. A huge smile formed across my face and I ran over to his side.

"Thank God you're alive" I said.

"Thank God mom was watching me to make sure I was alive" he replied, his voice weak but harsh.

"What happened to you?"

"Well clearly my arm is gone and my whole back is messed up. I'm gonna have surgery on Thursday."

"But it is Thursday." Damn, how long has he been asleep?

"You wanna know what? Maybe it is fucking Thursday but the accident occurred yesterday. And I don't know about you, but it usually doesn't take someone that long to visit a person in the hospital, especially if they're the cause."

Well, at least he's alive. I know I can't blame him for feeling the way he's feeling. But I'm here now, and that's all that matters. I'm here to help him.

"Well sorry" I said blatantly.

"Yeah yeah whatever. Just leave me alone gosh" he growled. "You missed YOUR own special talk with your MOTHER on her birthday because of your EX. When something doesn't go the way YOU want it even though I'm the one who warned you he wasn't no good, IM the one getting hurt from all this. IM the one with only one arm. Yet I get no first visit or anything. And when you do finally show up when I'm napping, you can't even mention your own mother, the one who's been keeping tabs on both of us and keeping us BOTH alive. Needless to say, you come trying to correct me on stupid little things. Just GET OUT TORI."

I did what he asked without hesitation. He was beyond pissed, and I know it wasn't because of any pills. But why did he keep bringing up mom? Okay yes I know I shouldn't of left because I was hurting myself and others at the end, but like what's the point of him continuing to bring her up like that.

Suddenly, that painful image of what happened flashed before my eyes. I turned my head sideways, trying to shake it out. He won't hurt me, I kept muttering. He can't hurt me anymore...

I shuddered and ran back to my room. It was as if his dark shadow was chasing after me. He can't hurt me, he can't hurt me....