Waiting

36

ADAM POV

"So I know it's kinda early but I wanted to talk to you about something" she said.

"Sure go ahead."

"For the sake of time I'll just get to it. We can't date Adam."

"What?" I scratched my head. This didn't make sense. "But I'm better now. If anything I'm more ready to fully commit to you. What changed your mind?"

"Me just seeing how dead you looked. It showed me that if we date and something like that happens-"

"You're scared aren't you?" I asked irritably. She nodded. "Fucking hypocrite." She got up from the bed and took a few steps toward me.

"Excuse me?"

"I was scared to date you because of how I'd cope if you committed suicide and you made ME look like the bad guy. But now when the tables are turned I'm just supposed to be okay with it?"

I was beyond pissed. I confessed my love to her and opened up to her and she made me look like a joke. But now when I'm ready to go on and beyond for her she wants to quit?

"Why are you so mad about this anyway? I thought this was what you wanted to begin with. I'm not sure if I'm ready for love. Or commitment."

"I wanted you to tell me the truth, NOT feed me all this bullshit. I'm mad because I'm so fucking in love with you and ready to be the man you were waiting for. Despite my personal conflict, I put it all to the side for YOU. And now you're unsure about your feelings? Do you even love me Tori?"

She stared at me in worry. I needed to hear the truth from this girl. I know I can die tomorrow but having her by my side will make my life worth living for. Why didn't she feel the same way?

"Adam I'm s-"

"Save your sorries for someone who cares" I spat. "I was afraid to love you. You taught me how to love the right way and I never forgot that. I barely had anyone in my life to lift my spirits so when I learned how to love you, I made sure that this time I was gonna do it right. You're the one who got me through this hard time" I pleaded.

"And I won't stop doing that Adam. I'm just asking for a different label. Friends. I still want to have a close relationship with you Adam, but right now I wanna play it safe. Remember you hurt me badly in the past and never cared about my feelings, so it's gonna take a little more than sorry to fix it."

"You just want an excuse to lead me on. Maybe I was better off keeping to myself."

"The doctor said you couldn't touch or feel anything. I didn't know you couldn't feel any emotions either" she cried. She started to walk out.

"So you're just gonna walk out like that? It's really over between us?" I asked.

She put her head down and sighed. "Who would want to love a girl like me anyway?"

"I DO!!! I don't give a flying fuck about your depression. I love EVERYTHING about you Tori. I love you even with your mood swings, even with your PTSD. You're imperfections are perfect in my eyes. Why are you so scared to feel the same way? Am I not good enough?"

I can't put up with this man. I didn't deserve her then, but I think I do now. But I won't kiss her ass. I want to provide for her and proclaim my love for her on a daily basis. Is she still holding on to what I did to her in the past?

"I just need a break Adam. As a man who says he loves me I thought you'd understand. I want to go into this relationship knowing you won't let me down like you've done before. When I love, I love hard. I don't want to hold on to the past, I'm just scared of letting it go because I don't want history to repeat itself. And it takes more than just a few promises and a I love you to show me that."

"So what I'm taking in is that you simply don't feel the same way" I chuckled. "Does this have to do with you still coping with Lenner raping your mom?"

I can't believe she thinks I'm capable of doing what he did. I know how to treat Tori and make her feel special. Just because Jeremy ruined her life, why does she think I'll do the same?

"No. Please don't make this harder than it already is Adam."

"Why not? You taught me to fight for what I care about. Can you just tell me what's going on? "

"It's not you Adam, it's me" she said. "I need time for myself. You had plenty of space and time while you were in a coma. If you love me like you say you do, you'll see that I'm hurting. I'm hurting about a lot of things and need my space. It's too risky to let anyone in."

I don't know what it was. Whether it was the fact that she was crying or her way with words, I backed off. This is what she wants and I need to give her space. I don't know how long I'm supposed to wait for her because I have a life too. But I'm really at a lost for words. Maybe while I was in a coma she moved on.

I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out. It's really over between us. I looked at her one last time before forcing myself to leave.

I guess it's back to square one. I went to my room and slammed the door.

TORI POV

I'm actually very proud of myself for getting through that. I was so close to going back to him but luckily, he left. He would've thought I was going to accept him back in my life with open arms. But seeing how much it hurt him took a toll on me. I hope I can gain my confidence fast enough.

It's too late for me to go back to sleep now. I still want to be there for Adam, just not right now and I'm glad he respected my wishes. It's time I start thinking for myself. No one can magically take away my disorder, so I'm taking this time to learn how to deal with it.

I love poetry tho. Maybe I can try to write to take my mind off things. I took out my journal and started writing. This will probably be good for the writing shit I gotta do for class.

I just hope I made the right decision.