Waiting

27

From behind me, I heard a rasp but sharp voice. "So you really don't love me." I turned around, astonished to see Adam sitting upright.

"You were awake??" I asked, avoiding his question.

"What you said was true" he said, more so talking to himself.

"I guess jumping off the roof didn't solve all your problems, did it? You jumped not because of me, but because you were scared of the aftermath. Time to face your fears."

"You do realize I heard everything you said right?" He asked, his voice growing a bit louder. "If you really don't care, you can just go."

"Adam please wait."

"That's low to say especially from someone like you. Just cuz I ditched your washed up raggedy ass you wanna go to the 'gay' guy?"

"Listen. You didn't even finish hearing what the hell happened yet you jump quicker to conclusions than jack rabbit. He said he likes me. I dubbed him."

"You said I had no importance in your life and that you basically love Fred. So tell me T, why did you 'dub' him like that?" he said with his arms crossed.

"Because I'm already lucky to have you in my life." 'Oh shit!!' I screamed in my head.

I kept trying to live my life without him, but all he did was pop up and remind me how impossible it was.

He looked at me confusingly. "What are you talking about? I'm not a lucky charm. C'mon tori, right now you're sounding more stupid and confused than I am."

"Okay so you get mad that I cussed your dumb ass AND I admit the only positive impact you have on my life AND reject a guy that's more worth my time than you and your thank you is by rejecting me?"

"Its not the first time sweetheart" he smirked.

"You know you're nothing but a giant pain in the ass."

"Coming from the one who glorifies my ass, that sounds intriguing."

"Why do you hate me so much?" I asked to myself. It turns out that I actually said that louder than I meant. But I was dying to hear his response anyway.

No matter what I did, he always had something to say that would take us back to square one. I say I don't like him and he gets upset. I say I'm lucky to have him and he makes a mockery of it. I'm not gonna kiss his ass. I don't know what hit his head when he fell, but whatever the hell is wrong with him needs to be fixed asap.

"I don't hate you. You hate yourself. That's why you 'cut'. Because you hate life and everything in it. The funny part is you ain't even gone through the tough shit yet you think you've seen it all."

Oh. My. Fucking. Goodness. He's wrong and so is everyone else. They always have a theory as to why I am the way I am. Instead of making up all this bullshit excuses, he might as well shut up and accept it. If he were to hear the real reason why I'm even here right now then he'd probably stay silent for good.

"Shut up. You've known me for years yet you still don't have a clue about me. You don't know what the hell it's like to go through every day with the same dreadful haunting thoughts of the past. You can forget yor fears and troubles easily. My nightmares live with me. I cut because it's an escape from the pain. Especially the ones you've caused."

"You wanna know what I forgot though?" he asked furiously. "You think it's easy f-for me to forget about anything. I don't know who my parents are, if I even h-ha-have any siblings, where I live, my own damn last name! You actually have people who care about you. I pretend to be ha-happy and make others smile because they shouldn't have to feel the black hole pounding on my chest. They shouldn't have t-t-to deserve what I've been through. Neither do you."

"I- I didn't know." I stammered. I guess we both had it rough.

"That's t-the whole fucking point! And now you're gonna come at me with some sympathetic shit."

"You think that you're the only one who hasn't seen all sunshine and rainbows?? Guess what, I don't either!"

Oh no. I didn't want to admit the truth to Adam, but right now he was pushing me over the edge. I couldn't handle this constant shit being thrown at my face. First my best friend, then my brother had to take the fall because of him. What's the point of risking it all just for him to come to his senses?

"Uh huh. What's so horrible about getting treated like a princess in the hospital that makes you want to drop dead so much?"

" I SAW MY OWN MOTHER GET FUCKING RAPED WHEN I WAS 7!!!!  For me it much much worse seeing the only parental figure in my life being abused in my eyes, pleading for help. It was a dark shadow and all I remember was her screaming for him to stop. I wanted to do something but I didn't know how. Being a 7 year old and seeing how a man can violate a woman and torture her for his own greedy needs. People make it sound like its something easy and simple to get over. Things like that scar people for life. We were both so traumatized by the incident but she was facing it 10 times worse. She became depressed and fell in a downward spiral and I had to witness the whole thing. " I choked out. "She became so paranoid that he would come after her. I didn't realize it that much then, but I know that's what caused her to have a anxiety attack that killed her two years ago. After the incident I thought I could never trust a male in my life again. You showed me just how right I was."

Adam got up from the bed and walked towards me. He came close and tried to rub my back.

"That's why when Fred came close to you, you fought as hard as you could and stabbed him" he said, just realizing the reason for events that just happened.

"Exactly. This is why nobody knows. Not even Dave or my mom knows that I saw everything. I don't want you to feel bad for me, 'I don't know what it's like to go through the tough shit' that you do right?" I added angrily.

"For all its worth, I was scared. I was scared of being with you. Out of all the people I knew in my life, you were the only one I could really remember. I would remember the smile you had on your face every morning, I can remember you Tori. It scared the living daylights out of me. That's why I had to call it off. I did everything in my power for you to hate me. I know I'm gonna die soon. I didn't want you to have to cry over me. That's why I was an asshole. But over time I realized how bad I wanted you back. I wasn't thinking straight when I made all of those horrible decisions. We both know I would never go to that point regardless. That's why I wanted to find your dad. To make up for it. But then I realized you already did hate me. Tori I screwed up, I really did."

I gritted my teeth in pure disgust and pulled back.

"Don't you think I was scared too? Its not like my time on earth is long either. I'm sick. We're all sick, it's just that the people outside this damn hospital do a better job of hiding it on the inside. It's not easy for me to have strong feelings for someone unless it's a form of hate. But you were the only one that I-lo- I mean, felt different about. But before you wanna make a mockery of that too, realize that I said were, I definitely hate you now"

"It's okay tori. I never knew how much pain I've caused you. It was all because I didn't want to hurt you. But I've done just that. Just please please finish the sentence." He grabbed my hand and squeezed it tightly. Please Tori. I'll be 100 with you this time. I promise."

I wanted to believe him, I really did. But after everything he's done to me, everything we've both done to other people, I didn't know if my long dream was coming true, or just a reality check. But then I reminded myself.

You can't keep hoping for the best if all you get is the worst.

"I really did like you Adam, I do. But I just can't-"

He leaned in and kissed me before I could finish my sentence. He pushed me against the wall and continued to kiss me passionately.

"Even though life may not be perfect right now, you make my life perfect. Im in love with you Tori."

I removed the tear from my face and shook my head. "I'm sorry" I said, before running out of the room.