Bad Blood

13

Madison's pov

Darkness. Its all i see. Its everywhere. Is this what being dead is like? Or is it just because im stuck between heaven and hell. Sure im what one might consider religous but that doesnt automatically get me into some paradise. You have to believe. I believed in something higher i just didnt know what. Which is why im here. Or maybe im here as a second chance. Maybe im not meant to die yet, maybe ill be revived. Or maybe i wont. Maybe im meant to spend my eternity in blackness waiting and anticipating for nothing. I kept thinking of Lexa's prayer and it hurt me. If she were to take my place i would never achieve the things i wanted. There was no way i could live with the guilt, id probably end up taking my own life before living without her. So i walked, in the never ending darkness. I coukdnt communicate with Lexa anymore it was like she was missing, ive never felt this distant from her. I began to think of the hell of a life i had. When i was a kid Lexa was my only friend, she had plenty of friends which constantly had me jealous for her attention. In 6th grade we finally ventured off on our own. We had some other friends but it was mostly me and her. That was also the year my dad left. I never knew how to cope. Lexa made me happy and when i was it didnt last long. 7th grade i git Fredrick and it all seemed like it would get better until i put on weight. It wasnt alot looking back on it now but it was enough. Girls contstantly teased me and soon enough so did boys. I began starving myself to help lose weight. Something no 13 should EVER have to do. 8th grade was the year Lexa switched schools and the first time i ever implied self harm. I didnt know how to cope without her. I saw her the next day and she broke into tears with me. She begged me never again and i swore by it. The memory triggered a faint pain and i ran my fingers over my scar. I regret it horribly, its terrifying to think
of such a dark time. I remember the first time Ashton asked about it. We were wrestling and he had me pinned at the wrist. That was also the first time ive ever seen Ashton cry. My highschool experience was never too bad, except for being just about the smallest kid. Due ti stsrving myself in the past i never repicked up my eating habits. Ful meals disgusted me, even just the thought of it. So i would pick and snack from time to time. Causung me to be skinny. Ive never told anyone my problems except Lexa. Ive just let them sit inside, letting myself feel black and empty. I stopped in my tracks thinking over what i had just said. Maybe i wasnt stuck inbetween life and death maybe i was stuck in my thoughts and i had to find away to escape the emptiness. A way to escape the darkness.