Dear Heart | Yoongi

14

"You've been reading hate again, haven't you, Yoora?"

I don't bother to look up from the computer sat in front of me, don't so much as react in the slightest even to the use of my unknown name, sat at the table with my legs pulled up to my chest and arms wrapped around them, chin resting on the tops of my knees. I no longer have the hate pulled up, haven't for a bit now, though it doesn't change the answer. It doesn't change the fact that she knows the answer either, knowing that she can recognize that in me by now.

"Yoora, honey, you know what they're saying isn't true, right? You don't deserve to punish yourself like this, you don't deserve to be reading such shitty made up lies."

My eyes flutter shut at her words, wishing desperately that I could believe them. Wishing that I didn't know otherwise. Wishing that she was right, that I don't deserve it. I do though. I do deserve it and no amount of lying will change that.

"Honey, come here."

I don't bother opening my eyes, feeling her sitting down in the chair beside me before she's gently tugging my body into her. I don't fight her on it, letting myself crash into her, feeling her arms wrap around me gently, as though I were the petals of a flower and if she moved too roughly that I'd rip.

"Yoora, what they're saying is wrong. What Namjoon and Eunha said earlier was nothing but a bunch of bullshit. They're just jealous that they aren't half the person we all know you are." Minnie murmurs in my ear, rocking us lightly. I can feel the tears beginning to return, hating that they've not run dry just yet.

"I was called a liar once too, Minnie." I breathe out shakily, remembering how pissed I'd been back then that no one would believe me. Remembering just how detrimental it had proven to be.

"Yoora, no, baby. No. Don't you go comparing all of them to you. You're so much better than all of them, sweetheart. Your case was so much different, Yoora, so much different. Your case was one where no one should've dared question what you were saying and nobody wanted to deal with the reality of what it meant they had to do if they were going to face it. This is so different, baby. So so different. Every idol gets hate, honey, everyone does. We all do. All thirteen of us living in the house, not just you, baby. That doesn't mean that anyone sending that hate is right though, does it? If you argue that what they say about you is true then that leads to the argument that what they say about the rest of us is true too, doesn't it?"

I just stay silent, not wanting to acknowledge her argument, knowing she's right even if my brain and body refuse to admit it. She knows it too, knows she has my argument deflated, knows I won't say anything more on the matter for the time being. Instead, she just holds me as I cry, beginning to break down all over again from everything. It's about so much more than all of this though, so much more than just the hate. So much more than just the shit I've been receiving from Eunha, more than the ass Namjoon had tried to make of me earlier.

It's not long before I'm calming down again, but Minnie still stays quiet, just holding me and rocking us for a while, knowing I'm still in no state to be holding my own at the moment.

"Please tell me I'm not as replaceable as everyone else makes me feel. I try so hard not to let the weight of everything I am bleed off onto other people, try so hard not to get blood on anyone else. Why is it that I still lose, no matter what I do? No matter my efforts, no matter how hard I try, no matter how angry I get, how scared I am, I do everything I can not to lose, not to be an inconvenience. I've never done anything but give, never taken once in my life. Not since the very first breath I took. It was the only time. The only one. So why is it that I still lose? Why is it that I'm still just this replaceable part?"

It's everything I have to get the words that have been haunting my mind out, breaking down not seconds later all over again. It's hardly a decent snapshot of everything drowning me at the moment, but it's enough for now, enough to have Minnie holding me tighter, enough for me to feel her get choked up.