A girl with a story like no other, who has transferred to a new school after her parents disappearance and is now living with her Aunt and Uncle. She's living with her family who have money, more than she knows but that doesn't stop her from grievin...
I'm trying to find some dress to wear for the party Bailee is throwing. I look through my wardrobe.
No. Maybe. No. Hmmm, no. No. No. Maybe.
Scrolling through my hands land on this red dress. My hands clutch the dress without my body knowing. It brings back so many memories. I was in such a horrible part of my life then.
The dress wouldn't of fit me now as it's an age 9. I don't know why i still have it but i remember my mum buying it for me after my first therapy session. My eyes were puffy that whole day, i cried even more because they hurt from the tears.
(TW)
I thought being in a boxed therapy room at the ripe age of 9 was normal for a little girl. When you realised little girls your age can actually be happy created an anger in me i could never speak about. That's when i first learned about jealousy, that raging, burning pit in the bottom of your stomach.
I hate how i couldn't look at myself in the mirror at 12 years old as my arms were a battlefield. Who would fall in love with a little girl who was at war with herself? Some may say it's immature but i felt 10 years older than 12.
Then you grow up and realise that was becoming normal. It was common to get drunk until unconscious, slice and cut your entire body to shreds, snort lines, burn yourself, rip out your hair all because you can't handle stress, family, relationships and life.
Imagine being so heartbroken with your own life you decide to take it away even when you don't know what's next. People choose an eternity of darkness rather than trying to survive in this cruel world. It's gut wrenching when you have to make that decision. It's even more harder waking up to the light.
I don't understand how a blade made me feel more alive.
But when you carve, smoke, starve, do pills, lines, drink, fuck until its torture it's like a high you've never felt before and that's it. You can never not do that, it's addictive and it sticks to you in your head whenever your in a small inconvenience.
When people find out they look at you differently and then you go crazy because in the end your just a lonely monster.
I always blame myself as people pointed their fingers at me as i was THAT selfish girl but i didn't turn myself into this monster.
I always said even at a young age if i died it wouldn't be of suicide it would be a murder case because i am not putting the blame on myself when i was drowning because of their words.
I was not selfish, immature, self centred i was just looked down on.
I was just a 9 year old damaged girl who was treated like a barbie doll. Everyone expects a clear skin, long legs, clean hair, perfect weight, not too short but not too tall, good body language, not confident but not weak, don't stutter, no stretch marks, no scars, wears different clothes each day, always has a smile, nice laugh, never says no, little girl. You expect to be perfect before becoming a teenager and people are shocked as to why 10 year old little girls commit suicide.
A dress. One dress brings it all back. The red colour always reminded of those nights i lay on the bathroom floor with a crimson colour surrounding me.
It hurts to think about.
I come out the state i was in. I don't know how long i had been sitting there on my wardrobe floor but the ring of my phone vibrates the counter top.
10 missed calls from Bailee.
Shit.
I text her back how i am just getting ready and my phone was on charge.
I go back to my wardrobe following my hand through all the short dresses.
People ask why. Why do you dress like that? You were asking for it. But i wasn't.
I dress how i do because how else am i meant to get male attention. How else are men supposed to like me? That's all i am, a black figure in a dress with a beating heart and blood pumping through my veins, lungs which deflate and reflate, but not a face or a little girl with feelings.
But now i dress like i do for myself and only myself.
I put on my newest dress. It is a gorgeous Givenchy off-shoulder draped black mini dress and i'm praying it doesn't rip.
The sleeves are elegant and the dress is beautifully made, it looks like i should be sipping on a martini instead of downing a bottle of vodka.
Matching to the black and Givenchy brand theme i pick out the prettiest shoes now full of regret incase they get splashed with drinks or sick (aimed at Bailee). At least with these heels i'll be taller.
Walking with my head to the side trying to put the silver hoop earring in my left ear i find my silver Louis Vuitton Locket Pendant necklace and bracelet.
The outfit:
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I take a few (million) pictures and run downstairs. Yes i have mastered running in heels. I know your jealous.
I cant exactly be asked for this party and i would of said no but it's my best friends so of course i am going.
I love Bailee she's the closest i've ever got to a sister.
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I walk to the kitchen and grab my car keys.
My hand on the door i hear the stones. This means my Aunt and Uncle are back. They don't let me go to parties and especially would never see me in an outfit this short. I have no excuses. I'm not even wearing a coat to cover up.
I hide in one of the rooms closest to the door and hide behind a wall. I keep the door half open so i can hear what they are saying.
They open the front door and walk in. All i can hear is how it wasn't a good time for them and my Uncle is taking the bags upstairs. I can then hear my Aunt shout up to my Uncle that's she's going into the kitchen to make a drink.
This is my chance.
I run to the front door and slowly open and close it. I get to my car and turn it on. Why is everything so my louder at night.
That's when i get my phone and text my Aunt i was going round to Bailee's to stay over for a sleepover.
I know my Aunt won't see her phone for a bit so i reverse out the drive way slowly.
I know they would of seen my car when they came in but i would just blame it on them being tired as they had a long drive back.
Finally i text Bailee letting her know i'm on my way. She doesn't respond so i'm guessing she's already downed a bottle of vodka.
Hopefully when i get there Gio will be there.
All i need is a drink then i might be some what okay.
