Red Roses and Black Crows

Poem 23 - Hard working addict (PRV1)

A hard-working addict
Full-time creating machine
Driven by the fear of failure
I don't eat
I don't drink
All I do is breathe

You would not believe
How scared I am I'll never achieve
Anything they'll remember me by

I have to work or I'll fall behind
I'll have to grind or my life will fall apart
Something they will have after I die

The papers stack up on my desk
I don't complain I won't confess
I'll do it all the best I can

I wish to stop trying I just can't
A full-time machine
Too many ideas inside of my head
I can't leave it, have to get it out before I'm dead

Stuck up doing what I didn't want
I attempt to stop, but I just can't
I might have become an addict

There's lots of work to do can't do it all
But I have to do it if I don't want to fall apart
Breaks take a lot of time
Have to work or it's a crime

The clock continues ticking by
I can't end now, heavens know I tried
It's easy to consume not to create
It took me a long time to realize
No one would care

I try to rest and it keeps piling up
It's too much I just can't keep up
Endless nights of working hard
Bad management, and yet I tried

One thing after another, it's tiring
I must attempt to accomplish what I desire
Surprising them is what I wish
They pushed me in the wrong direction
A shame, ton of rejection
They pushed me to make the wrong decisions

Spent years doing nothing
Now I desire to be good at least at something
A lot of the years I spend doing nothing
There's many things I've missed

I tried my best to improve
And it's never enough for me
These people come by and see
The art took me hours to complete
It takes them only a few seconds
For me a whole eternity

Not believing in myself
Thinking I'm something less
Such things I could never achieve
Because I didn't believe

They pushed me on the wrong path,
Life's misdirection
Has to be fate, not misery's injection

For a long time, I've been incomplete
A way of thinking too obsolete
I have to work for my wasted hours

Drowning in my emptiness and sorrow
It was never okay, not even tomorrow
These things didn't last
It's too long, end up thinking about the past

My body hurts I don't exercise
Keep making excuses, create inside
Not going outside

I tend to suffer by working hard
Could've been trying harder
It's never enough

I need a break I can't continue I've tried too hard
It's not enough, I have to do my part
They don't see the effort I put into trying

Overwhelmed it's too much to take
My body's too hot can't take it
It's not okay
Continuing creation out of fear
I'll never accomplish anything
Insecurities lurking near

So many things to do to master
I try to learn it faster with no breaks
Productivity becomes low
My body's hot and can't continue
How can I become successful
If the rate of being unsuccessful is high?

Pouring all of my time down
Hoping I'll turn it around
I have to grind if I don't want to lose my mind

It's never enough, could be more
Fear of failure drives me afar
The bar couldn't be lower
Must not stop or I'll get lost forever
Be better than average to succeed
It's not easier any less
A hard-working machine is what I became