The Love A Rose Deserves

Jason

Song For The Chapter: Steve Lacey- Dark red

(After Serenity's nightmare...)

I didn't think this would happen! Out of all the things that I thought could happen or would happen... It never once crossed my mind that she would end with the conclusion that I dragged her to hell and unleashed all those monsters on her.

I understand why she would have that thought before, I tormented her, I brought the nightmares. But I didn't think her memories, her real memories would end up painting me the villian.

I couldn't explain to her. There was no way she would believe, let alone understand anything I would say. She was truly petrified of me. Such a existential dread that killed me when I saw her flinch from me. The look of devastation in her eyes when I told her the truth. The harsh slap of her hand pushing me away.

That pain...

It broke me.

She saw me as the monster. She flinched away from my touch, the touch she loved, that she always craved. A touch that should always bring her peace, she hated it! She hated me! No, she hates me.

We were supposed to do this slowly! I was supposed to give her time to understand, to feel, to accept or reject.

I can't imagine the desolation she must feel to think the person she wholeheartedly loved was trying to kill her. After I've already lied to her so many time before? After I promised her I would never hurt her again?!

Fuck, what have I done?!

This is going to break her!

What can I do?!

Trying to explain everything will only set her off, she wants to be nowhere near me. She doesn't want to see me, think of me, hear me, she wants absolutely nothing to do with me.

She's lost all trust with me. Doesn't matter how much she wants answers or all her memories, she will not tolerate a thought of me. No matter how much I beg and plead and grovel, nothing can pierce through her boundaries. She will never trust me again. There is no more forgiveness, no more chances, she is done with me!

And I couldn't possibly do that to her. I couldn't dare disrupt her purge. That's the last thing she needs, the last thing the could help. No. I can't go see her. I can't look over her or protect her, she doesn't not want it. I can not do anything for her now. For her sake, because that's what she wants, what she wishes for.

I have no right to her. In any way. Whether as lover, soulmate, angel, guardian, in no way does she want me. And I have to respect that... at the very least I can give her space and privacy.

My chest fell empty, my body loss of strength, falling to my hands and knees. Not even my wings could ease the fall of hopes.

She told me before... even if we're angry with each other, I should never leave her. But this is beyond just angry, this isn't even rage. This is betrayal, heartbreak, trauma. I didn't just raise my voice at her and hurt her feelings, I broke all of her hopes, everything in her heart. I can't push her and the last thing I should do is monitor her even from afar. She always thought of the harbor as her safe space, I never bothered her there, to take away her privacy and safety in a time like this would be so cruel of me. I cant...