Retroexposure

Chapter 1 - September - The Main Diary Starts

Thursday 20th September 2007 12:00am

I don't know why I'm writing this. I've never been very good at expressing my feelings. Maybe writing this in a diary-style format might help me. Where do I start? Mum is currently gargling with water, after taking her inhaler that she needs for her asthma. Four lines in and I've already got writers block! Why do I struggle to talk about my feelings? L, my probation officer, is suggesting that I see my doctor and tell him/them, how I'm feeling. Maybe see if I can see a counsellor or take some anti-depressant medication.
I've suddenly thought that maybe trying to write down my feelings might be an easier way of expressing my feelings. I mean, seven years ago, I did this exact thing when I realised I was struggling with getting over Dad's death. Despite it being three years after the event, I was able to vividly recount that week that he died. Hey, It's not like I was going to forget it in a hurry is it? Ten years on, and I probably could still give a pretty strong account of what happened that week.
However, since that first time of writing about my feelings about dealing with Dad's death, my life has been turned upside down, inside out and wrung out so many times, I could feel exhausted just thinking about it. Since Dad died, I've become a qualified photographer, had a girlfriend, lost a girlfriend, had the best job of my young life, seen my best friend - and the girl I love with all my heart - emigrate to Australia, lose the house that I lived in for twenty-odd years due to debt and move to smaller house, lose two of the family dogs because of losing the house and finally, oh yeah, getting in serious trouble with the police and end up with a criminal record.
But I'll talk about that at another time. Maybe later today, who knows? 12:16am

11:37am
Why I've decided to write down the minute I start writing this diary, I have no idea. Maybe it's to express what I'm thinking about at that exact moment in time. Maybe I'm just being a geek.
Had a phone call earlier today, about 10:30ish from a Police Officer called PC R. I had to make an appointment for an officer or two to come around to the house to basically look at the area where I am now living. I don't know what irritates me more about this, the fact that it's taken them nearly seven months to check up on me, or the fact that when they do come around, they'll be in a marked police car with two uniformed officers coming to my door. Looks like I'll have to get my fake reason ready as to why two officers are coming round, should any of the neighbours ask. But then again, living on an estate like this, seeing a police car isn't all that uncommon, although I do live on a nicer part of the estate.
It's strange. This diary was going to be about me talking about my feelings about certain things. I think it'll end up being more than that. I don't have anyone to really talk to, so I'll have a one sided conversation with a computer screen instead.
I've enquired about two jobs that I saw advertised in the paper last night. So, in the next couple of days I should get the application forms through.
I'm supposed to talk about how depressed I'm feeling at the moment. Well, there, I've said it. I'm depressed. Two lines, that's all it took. Big wow! Just writing what ever comes into my head makes this whole exercise a lot more interesting and a lot more fun, if I'm honest. I don't need medication to make me feel happy. I just need to get out of this house and get a job. But because of my conviction, getting a job is getting to be a lot harder than it was beforehand.
A moment of stupidity from February 2005 to March 2005, and my life is pretty much screwed. This is my biggest regret. And, one, sadly, that I will never be allowed to forget. 11:58am

2:54pm
Just a quick thought. Had the phone bill today and initially I began to worry about how Mum and I were going to pay it. I don't have a direct debit option on my bank account, and there's never any money in it anyway. BT no longer do ordinary monthly bills as it 'costs them too much to produce monthly bills, that's why direct debit is easier for them.' Big bloody wow! It's convenient to them but not to us mere mortals!
Well Mum and I have discussed a plan, and thankfully we might find a way to pay it near on immediately. Not that we'll be able to do it like this all the time. Straight away I mean. This is why I'm getting so frustrated at not being able to get a job. We have so many bills to pay and all I can contribute to is the shopping every fortnight.
The Euro Lottery on the 28th is going to be £88million pound jackpot, so I HAVE to enter that! It's also going to be Gramps's anniversary, so maybe that may have significance on the day, who knows! Check in later. 3:04pm

4:32pm
Not entirely sure if this 'feelings' diary is working out as I originally planned! But I can't give up on the first day can I? I've barely done 17 hours on this project! Who knows, if I keep this up for a long period of time maybe I could turn this into a book! I mean writing about me, myself and I, is far easier than writing a fictional story. I've started writing a potential novel, but after less than two chapters (including rewritten first chapter) I'm stuck! Got writers block. I mean I've constantly thought about the novel and even used a Dictaphone to voice some ideas. I just haven't got around to writing them up yet.
If I were to turn this diary into a book, what would I call it? A Year In The Life Of A Depressed Loser? Can't see that title selling many books! Still if I used that as a suggestion, then that would mean that I would have to keep this diary going for a year! Can I do that? Do I have the motivation? I'll come back to that question after a month.
Earlier I said that I don't really have anyone to talk to, just this computer screen. Well that's not entirely true of course. I do have my mum and I do have my doctor. Thing is I've never been very good at talking about my feelings to either of them or to anybody in authority in general. I'm too scared of them for some reason. It's crazy. Why can I talk to a non-responsive piece of machinery and not a human being?
Probably because when I had Internet access at home, I was on the Internet chat rooms all the time, or MSN. So to communicate with people around the world I'd be typing it in instead of talking to someone face to face. I felt more confident talking to someone online because they couldn't see the true me. Not only that but you could take you take the time to think about what you are going to say next.
As for now, I can't think of much else to say right now. But I'm sure that I'll be back adding an entry later tonight or in the early hours of tomorrow morning! 4:51pm

11:52pm
It's the end of the first day, and here are my final thoughts and feelings. First off, I'm feeling absolutely knackered! But I felt that I had to write an endnote to say that for a first day, this has been an eye opening and, pardon the pun, a thought provoking exercise. I'm not really feeling anything right now. I've been watching television all evening.
Talk about an eclectic variation of programmes to watch! First it was The Bill, a British police drama, and then followed a documentary about the Royal Marines, called Commando. Then I watch a US police drama show called Without A Trace, which was about a group of FBI agents that search for missing persons and this week's episode was about a five-year-old boy being abducted.
What with the British drama Torn being shown on ITV last night about a child going missing only to be reunited with her family 11 years later, these dramas seem to be a bit close to the bone, emotionally, what with Madeline McCann still missing after almost 5 months. A week on Thursday will be five months. Jeez, where has the time gone?
The final programme I saw tonight was Sex Change Hospital, about a Hospital in Trinidad, Colorado, that specialise in, you've guessed it, transgender operations. Very painful to watch! You can guarantee that most men watching this documentary series would be holding there own crown jewels and wincing when the surgeon removed the penises! Even the surgeon was a transsexual! Only in America could you see something like this be made for television as a form of entertainment!
What's my plan for tomorrow? Honestly I have no bloody idea! I'll probably be debating with myself about whether or not I'll allow swearing in this diary. I guess if the emotion warrants it, then maybe. But I must confess, saying swear words is a whole lot different than writing them down. Especially when it's in a diary format.
When writing a novel, then swearing might be important to the story, but when it's in a factual form of writing, then it's maybe not necessary. You always have to think about what you are writing and you know that when writing down your own thoughts, you don't have to swear.
I'll tell you now. If I'm ever angry, you won't find me coming on here and telling you about it straight away. If being angry is a reason to swear that is. So it looks like I've talked myself out of swearing in this diary! Well end of day one! Friday 21st September 2007 12:15am.