Retroexposure

Chapter 32 - Mum, Hair, Wedding

Friday 1st August 2008 12:10am
A man is watching TV while his wife is out at bingo. His son, who'd been watching TV up in his room, appears in the doorway and says "Dad, what's love juice?"
His dad chokes on his beer and sits his young boy down.
"Well, son," he says, "soon you will meet a girl who you fancy and might end up getting around."
Gulping, the flustered father carries on. "You'll touch the girl all over and when you reach the top of her leg, it will feel wet – this is love juice and it means she's ready for sexual intercourse."
The son looks curious and says, "Er, OK. Thanks, dad!"
"Hang on son," the dad says. "What exactly are you watching up there?"
"Just the tennis!"

Nice little funny there, to start the month. I've decided to go back to reading Stephen King's Dreamcatcher that I'd made a small start on the other week. The book that I was attempting to read, The WAG's Diary, was no good, to me, anyway. I just could not get into it. So I'll stick to tried and tested books! Tried and tested being either well-known authors, or books that tie-in to movies or TV shows! 12:18am

Thursday 7th August 2008 11:05pm
It's been almost a week since I last wrote an entry. I hope I'm not losing my motivation for writing this! Actually, maybe I have a little. That's the thing about unemployment. It literally is the same shit, different day form of existence.
For example, my day starts with either waking myself up or Mum waking me up at around 8:45am in the mornings, with the exception being either church, signing on, or doctor's appointments, where I'm usually woken up at 7am or just after. Then I have the three S's: Shit, Shower and Shave! Depending on the day that it is. I don't shave every day. It's either down to my weight or lack of testosterone, but it takes me three days to grow decent stubble. I can't even grow a proper beard as I have a bald patch directly under my chin, so a full beard would look ridiculous anyway! Sometimes the three S's take a different order: Shit, Sven and Shower! I know you might be screaming at the page "TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!" Maybe so, but we all do it! I just happen to write about it!! Anyway back to my daily routine.
8:45am – Get up.
9am to 10am – The three S's (Alternate Tuesdays I sign on so I'll have done the three S's at this point and will be on my way into town where I'll sign on, look around the shops, go to an internet café for a couple of hours, do any errands that need to be done then come home by 2pm –ish!)
10am to 1:30pm – Watch any TV programmes that I may have taped the previous day or that morning or (as is the case on most days) play my football manager game while reading the newspaper or a book (a lot of loading times during the game!) and listening to the radio.
1:30pm to 2:15pm – still playing the game while Mum watches her TV programme. Then probably take Sven for his second walk.
2:30pm onwards – watch other programmes with Mum while having lunch or if there is nothing to catch up on Mum and I tend to play a lot of Scrabble on my Playstation!
6pm and evening – Watching more television for the rest of the evening and having dinner at around 8pm.
11pm till late – have a quick game of FM, then probably watch a DVD or two!
Looking at that – I really need to get a life! Thing is though, I can't afford one because no one will give me a job – and before you say anything – I am looking! I applied for two jobs last week, and I'm just waiting for some feedback!
Speaking of feedback, about a fortnight ago, Mum found a piece of plastic in her fish dinner. The plastic had actually been in the actual fish steak itself. It was from a major food store's budget range, which - I discovered last week - was manufactured by a really big name in the Fish manufacturing retail market! Understandably I made a complaint the following day over the phone and got a reference number for the complaint. So, last week, when I returned to the store that I got the product from, I returned the empty box and the foreign objects in question as instructed. Now what has happened since, and we can't be entirely sure if it's not connected, is that Mum has been quite ill with severe stomach cramps. She didn't swallow any of the plastic fortunately but she did have it in her mouth. Now a theory, though slightly wild, is could the plastic have had some kind of irritant on it? Mum had a doctor come out to her on Monday, but the pain she's been dealing with has progressively got worse. So much so, that I called the doctor again for her this afternoon. Only to be told that could she make it to the surgery tomorrow? Talk about being fobbed off!
Mum plans on giving it to the Doctors with both barrels tomorrow. And complain about the doctor that fobbed her off, as the pain she's been complaining about was a bit worse tonight. Now I know you'd be saying that you would call an ambulance in this situation. I would too. On several occasions over this past week that thought has crossed my mind. But what stopped us is the fact that we can't afford a taxi to bring us home from the hospital once we'd been through the casualty department. Another reason that's been stopping Mum from taking the Casualty step is that next week her best friend is getting married, and she doesn't want to go to hospital in case they need to take her in as an in-patient for several tests that may force her to miss the wedding. Which, if it can be avoided, she doesn't want to do! But in the meantime her pain is getting worse, so what if her decision is taken out her hands, when she sees the doctor tomorrow? I'll keep you posted! 11:58pm

Friday 8th August 2008 8:08am
Check out the time! Ok, I deliberately timed this! But come on! This only happens once every 100 years! 08-08-08 and 08:08am!! It reminds me of the dream I had of marrying on the 07/07/07 to S, but of course that never happened! That's in the past – time to move on! 8:11am

11:40pm
We went to Wigston for our monthly trip that also included a visit to the library. Dreamcatcher will be put aside for now while I read my new books. Three of which were Doctor Who novels and also a Buffy graphic novel. Another book was a modern looking version of Casino Royale, the very first Ian Fleming novel featuring 007, James Bond. It was modern looking in the fact that it had Daniel Craig on the cover from the movie tie-in publicity pictures from the 2006 version of the film. All in all I've got myself eight books to be keeping me occupied.
Mum saw the doctor this morning and came out singing the doctor's praises only to criticise her later. I can't keep up! This health problem is really getting her down. While at the library, Mum successfully Googled Chronic Kidney Disease and found a website that basically shocked her, but also explained several of the symptoms that she'd been showing for years. Sadly we couldn't afford to print off all the data, so I'm planning to get a copy when I'm in town on Tuesday, after my haircut at the salon. Yes, yes, I'm going to a poncey salon! I just want to see what the difference between a salon is compared to a barbers. And before you say it, the main difference is the price - I know that! But because I've offered to be a 'model' I get the hair cut dirt-cheap! A 'model' in this case is someone willing to let a junior hairdresser loose on their hair! I'll let them go to work on mine on the condition that if it goes wrong, they can just shave it all off! 11:55pm

Tuesday 12th August 2008 11:15pm
I have to be honest; the young hairdresser did a good job. I got to the salon about half an hour early but as it wasn't so busy, I was seen straight away. The girl, Fran, brought out a few hairstyle magazines to see if there were any styles that I liked the look of. Well considering that I'm the only white guy - that I know of anyway - with an Afro, I wasn't exactly spoilt for choice, most of the styles were of guys with quite long hair. I wanted it cut off, not styled! Not only that, but I thought the 'Flock of Seagull's' hairstyle went out of fashion almost 25 years ago (!) The style I settled on was more of a Jude Law type look. Not as short as I usually have it, but at least it was different. One product that I won't be using is hair wax though. Just makes my hair look sticky – Not my bag, baby!
Fran also dispelled the myth of a chatty hairdresser. Maybe she was just concentrating. One thing she did do, that I certainly found quite alluring, is that with each cut of the scissors, she wiggled her waist! Not just that, she was wiggling her waist up against my arms. It seemed like a kinky form of foreplay! Speaking of which, she could massage my head all day! When she just gave my hair a quick wash prior to the cut, she had the softest hands and the gentlest touch. If she's seeing anyone, he's the luckiest guy on earth! It was just so sensual!
...........Or...I'm just sexually frustrated and could even find a frozen chicken, wrapped in baking foil, sexy! (I don't by the way; I was just making a joke!)
All in all though, I was impressed with the cut, and I'll be returning to that salon again in the future to see how good the next trainee junior hairdresser is. 11:37pm

Thursday 14th August 2008 4:20pm
It was Mum's turn for her hair to be done today. The end result knocked a good 15 years of her age, appearance-wise. What amazes me though, is how quick Mum's hairdresser operates. Mum needed a good 3inches or so cut off, and also has to have her hair coloured. So you'd imagine that it would take a while to be done, right? The hairdresser arrived at 9:15am. By 10am she was done, finished, out the door. My haircut took almost an hour!! Maybe it's all down to experience!
Since last Friday, I've read three of my library books – the Doctor Who ones. They were quite short, at 250 pages, so I was able to read them within a day or just over. So with the exception of certain necessary distractions, I'd read the books by yesterday morning.
What impressed me most about the characters is that they were literally written with the TV actors in mind. So in the first book I read, I could visualise the Doctor as Christopher Eccleston, as it was written to coincide with the first series of it's new era. The other two books were written with David Tennant in mind as he took over the role from Eccleston at the end of the first series. And, to quote the Doctor, 'It was fantastic!' I hope that there are more available to read when I go back to the library next time!
I'm currently reading a collection of short stories by Helen Dunmore called 'ice cream'. Why it's called that, I'm not sure! But so far it is an enjoyable read, I am curious to know why it has a picture of a fully naked woman on the cover! (That's what attracted me to the book! Told you I was sex mad!!) 4:42pm

Monday 18th August 2008 11:56am
Saturday was Mum's best friend's wedding. Everything went without a hitch, and the bride really enjoyed her day. I've known the bride and her daughter for years, practically since birth! The meal at the hotel was exquisite, and so was the company of the other guests. It was a small intimate affair – less than 20. Which is nice I thought. I'd like something like that for my wedding – doubt I could limit it to 20 though! That's why they have these evening discos, I reckon. A small intimate wedding lunch for close family and friends and the disco for everyone else, like work colleagues and so forth!
One thing that I was a little shocked at was the bride's daughter telling her friend, who is a police officer in training, about my criminal indiscretion. She thought that it would be ok to talk openly about it as it was more than likely that her mum, the bride, would have told the friend's Mum. This, I don't believe, not without clearing it with my Mum anyway. I don't mind talking about it as it was made public when it ended up in the papers. But I would have liked it to be me that told the daughter's friend, off my own bat. Instead I just stood there like an idiot! I was then stunned to hear that the friend's ex had been done for the same thing that I had. The daughter just puts my indiscretion down to stupidity and naivety, which I will whole-heartedly agree with. (I know that I haven't mentioned what my criminal activity is, but I'm hoping to have littered this diary with enough clues for you to guess, if not, well sorry, you'll have to wait! Still unsure as to whether or not it would be constructive to mention it. There's a story deep in my past that I haven't talked about either. I guess when I talk about that, I'll talk about what stupid thing I did.)
I have to say that the daughter's friend was understandable and very easy to talk to in the end. She smokes, so for the first time in several months, I smoked too, just to spend time with her really. But, I am so shy when it comes to talking to girls face to face; I didn't act on the fact that I found her attractive! The last time I was in this sort of situation was at the daughter's own wedding when I met S, and we know how that turned out! Difference this time is that the girl at this wedding was 100 times better looking than my ex! Awful to say, I admit. But also true, if I'm honest! You'd never believe that she was a single mum-of-two!
On Sunday, yesterday, I saw a documentary called My Perfect Vagina, which was all about women who wanted an ever- growing popular form of cosmetic surgery called a labiaplasty. I think that's how it was spelt! It's because some women's inner labia lips come out further than they should. It seems weird that I'm writing about this, but I found it truly fascinating! A girl they focussed on was 19 years old and the reason she had hers done was because her sister laughed at her about it and told all of the sister's male friends too, so she was totally humiliated. After watching it, I just felt so sad and sorry for any woman even considering this form of surgery. There's a guy on the documentary that is a sculptor, and one of his projects has been to take casts of women's genitalia. I suggest that the women should have this done first so they can see just how normal they are. Another form of surgery that was touched on briefly was something called a hymenplasty or something which is where they get the hymen 're-attached' so that they can pretend that they are virgins again. It's more prominent in the Muslim community, so I can't really judge that I guess. What I found upsetting is that a girl would feel so guilty about it. I mean what happens if a hymen breaks in unconventional ways? Such as riding a horse, being raped, or in a more likely way, using the wrong sort of tampon (Mum's argument!).
I say that a girl should just be happy with what she's got and tell others where to shove it! This sort of surgery is completely unnecessary, unless a doctor for medical reasons, not for cosmetic reasons, suggests it. Besides, unless you are a porn star who apart from the boyfriend or husband, would ever see it? 12:58pm

Thursday 28th August 2008 8:33pm
Has it really been 10 days since I last wrote an entry? I'm trying to remember what I've done over the last 10 days, but having sunk a whole bottle of red wine. I'm slightly pissed. And forgetful! Mum's out at a party tonight, so I'm home alone. I text a few friends, just to chat, but they are all busy! One, M, told me that all I was doing was looking for sympathy, because I text her saying that I was alone! I didn't think that I was looking for sympathy! I've just come to the conclusion that, despite me always wishing to have my own place, I could never be alone in my own place! I'm comfortable here at home watching DVDs while Mum is sleeping in her bedroom till 2 in the afternoon, yet I can't pass the time while she's out enjoying herself. I've just realised that she has more of a social life than I do. Which isn't difficult in the current circumstances! I know that I'm beating myself up at the moment, but what better way to do that than by writing about it?
They always say that when you are drunk, you say what's really on your mind, and I guess that's true. I hate being alone. I want the 'Friends' lifestyle. My own apartment, with a close group of...well, friends. One who is a flatmate too! I want to be Chandler! Smart, funny, and always witty, wanting to crack jokes all the time! I'm being very self critical at the moment. I'm actually surprised I can write at all, seeing as I sunk a bottle of wine earlier! I had a combination of Chilli and chips with waffles for my dinner. Not the healthiest of nutritional meals, is it?? I was watching a film too. A:I, Artificial Intelligence, which stars Jude Law. I could only see an hour of it before I got bored! I realise that being alone, you get bored very easily!
I think that's enough writing for now! Thank God I'm writing this on a computer. If this diary were on paper right now, there would be shitloads of crossings out from mistakes I've made as I'm slightly pissed! 8:53pm

Saturday 29th August 2008 1:45pm
I had a big argument with Mum last night. I didn't mean it to turn into an argument, it just did. We were watching Home and Away and I made a comment in regards to a scene, and that's when it all came out. Mum and I were talking about the future and about what would happen when I got married. Mum was expecting that she'd move in with my new wife and me. I replied that it would be highly assuming to expect my wife to want to live with her mother-in-law from day one! I spoke to three of my girl friends to see what they would think. They all initially said that no, they wouldn't want to live with their mother-in-law! It wouldn't be a problem if I were married for some time beforehand, but straight off? Even I wouldn't want that! A newly married couple want to be spontaneous and do what they want, not think about where the mother-in-law would be! Bit of a passion killer! M, said that the reason my Mum was so upset with me is because she's never been alone and she's had me beside her all my life and she's scared to let me go and too scared to be alone. M also said that as I'm not getting married in the very new future it's pointless to get into a twist about it. She's right. M is very mature for her age, and I like her for it! Mum was impressed too when I told her what M had said. So much so, she joked that she'd like to see M one day if she ever came to Leicester! 2pm

Sunday 31st August 2008 12:52am
Shit! As I was typing out the date, I've just realised what the date is. 11 years today since the tragic death of Princess Diana. Which means it's three month's till Dad's anniversary. Where's the time gone?? And what's the betting the papers will be full of tributes tomorrow?
I was going to start this entry writing about a book I'm reading, but felt that I had to get the above paragraph in first. A sort of priorities thing, you know? Anyway, the book I'm currently reading is The Secret Diaries of Abi Titmuss. I love the contradiction in that – Secret Diaries, yet she's made them public. I'm obsessed with reading diaries! Belle De Jour, Jeffery Archer, Abby Lee, Abi Titmuss. Three out of those four are connected by their sex lives! Thoroughly enjoying Abi's book so far. I've read three-quarters of it already and I only bought it yesterday! (Friday). 1:01am