Retroexposure

Chapter 11 - 'Court' Short

Friday 19th October 2007 9:09am
I haven't written in a few days now. But, and more importantly, for me anyway, I've made this diary last a whole month!! Yes!! That's progress as far as I'm concerned! News on the Girl and her ex; they've now patched things up. I'm more than happy for them. She eagerly texted me to say that she and her partner had great sex on Wednesday night! I'm glad someone's getting some!
Saw L, my probation officer, on Wednesday. Told her about this diary, and what I planned to write in it. I told her that, eventually, I was going to write about why I needed a probation officer in the first place. She thinks that that was a bad idea. Now I've had time to reflect, I can see her point. Besides, it leaves an air of mystery around it, plus I don't want to dwell on the roughest time in my life. I can talk about the offence with out saying what the offence is. See? I'm getting cryptic already!
From the time that I was arrested to the end of the final court date, it took up a whole year in my life. Frustratingly, I was on bail for the first seven months! But once that was out of the way, I had about 3 dates at court. Because I pleaded guilty, a trial wasn't necessary. I'd been as co-operative as possible, and in the end, I think that was a good thing. I was told that I could've been given a custodial sentence, but thanks to a few glowing character references, I was reprieved; by the skin of my teeth. I was so relieved! My barrister had told me, that morning, that custodial was likely. Glad she had faith in me (!)
If I was going down, I was totally unprepared for it. I didn't have any clothes with me. And that morning, I was suddenly cacking myself! Mum, her friend, and J came down to support me. J being there was a blessing in disguise really. I wanted to see her so much. But also, if I had been going down, that would've been the last time that I would've seen her before she moved to Australia. A few days later, my court appearance made the local paper, but fortunately a journalist hadn't photographed me, so the article didn't carry my picture. The whole incident taught me a valuable lesson. One, that, in truth, I shouldn't have needed to learn. I should've known it already. My relationship with S broke up because of this, and I'd nearly lost my freedom. So after all that, consider it lesson learned!
I finally went and saw the doctor yesterday about my toilet issues. And, what a waste of flaming time! His advice was practically non-existent, or advice that was really common sense. He said that the problem I had was anxiety. It's true. I know that. But I just can't control it. Even heading up to the bus stop, I was scared of crapping myself. There I've said it. Again. This time I'm not so polite! Soiling myself was what I'd said three weeks ago. Now it's crapping myself! Thing is, it's a fear. I haven't actually crapped myself. Not for about 18 months. I was scared of the humiliation. I distress myself so publicly, that I'm probably humiliating myself anyway!
The last time that I had an accident was when I was in town. I'd just got off the bus, and the training centre that I needed to go to, was just round the corner. 500 yards. Not that far at all. Yet, I couldn't make it there in time. I was about 20 minutes early, for the starting time, so I had time to clean myself up. I just stressed myself out. Fortunately I only messed my boxers, and not my jeans, so for the rest of the day, I had to go commando for the rest of the day. What did I do with the boxers? I flushed them!
Right, enough of that gross sequence of images, lets change the subject!
Today is DAC's birthday, so I sent her a birthday text. Which reminds me. The birthday text that I sent S, was I think, to a dead number. Because I tried to ring her and it came back 'it has not been possible to connect your call'. So it looks like that I should just move on and forget about her. 10:08am