Retroexposure

Chapter 5 - When September Ends

Wednesday 26th September 2007 1:03pm
I'm currently a single guy, and at the moment I think that's how I prefer it. I had a relationship with S that lasted for almost two years. But if I'm honest, I don't think we could've really lasted much longer than that anyway. I never told her the truth as to why two police officers arrested me and took me to a police station. I lied blatantly to her face, and I do actually regret that. I think she had an idea, but I didn't confirm or more importantly to her, I didn't deny it either. The last time I saw her was some time last year when she was driving home from work. I was crossing the road, and I did wave to her, but I didn't see a reaction. If I was on her side of the road, however, I'm sure she might have been tempted to run me over!
I still think about her occasionally, especially a few months ago, seventh of July 2007. 07.07.07. It would/could have been our wedding day. My lucky number is 7, so when we were dating, we talked about marriage, and I jokingly said that I'd loved to get married on the seventh of the seventh of the seventh. I then worked out that amazingly, that day fell on a Saturday. Perfect!
However, we drifted apart. She spent more time at work, so much so that when she was moonlighting for a colleague, I thought she was doing more than moonlighting with her colleague. I may have been right, I just never found out.
We only had sex once, and that really was a disaster. It happened on the 9th January 2004. I don't remember the date because it was memorable, only because it was on a mate's birthday!
It was a Monday. I know that because Mum was at choir practice. And we did the deed in my bedroom, I had a porno on the TV, sound turned down of course, don't want cheesy music or grunts and moans, that wasn't us, interrupting the proceedings, do we? I'd given her oral sex on many occasions before this, so it was the next step logically. She'd had a hang up about reciprocating the offer, but that wasn't a problem.
Eventually, I thought, we could get past that. Anyway, as I said it was a bit of a failure, in my opinion. I'm not exactly a well-hung porn star, (so perhaps the video in the background was a bad idea!) and both S and me are in the large and cuddly category. She reassured me that I'd done everything ok, but I'd always had my doubts.
Because of our passion for wrestling, we had spent some nights together after seeing some shows. But nothing ever happened on those occasions, and God, did I want something to happen! But she was either tired or just not well. The last opportunity was New Year's Eve 2004. I was frustrated, no question. At least we had a relatively ordinary sex life, just not of the full sex kind!
Writing this down, means that Mum will soon know that I lied to her. She forbid me to have sex under her roof, so I told her that we did it in the back of S's car. Which looking at the car, and then us you would first think how the hell did we manage it? Whether Mum believed me or not, I don't know.
The other girl vying for my affections at the time was J. Maybe I was vying for hers. S was quite jealous of her, and jealous that I was a good friend with J. Which I suppose, she did have every right to be. I loved J then, and I still do now. There is nothing I can do about it though, as she emigrated to another country. But I had lots of great times with her.
When Mum was in hospital, following a cancer scare, and subsequent operation, J had had a falling out with her family and found herself on my doorstep. I of course, being the honourable gentlemen, couldn't let her sleep on a park bench or anything. So I let her stay the night with me. Nothing happened that night either. She wasn't quite 16 yet, and I wanted to wait till she was old enough, and legal! She wanted us to share a bed, but I couldn't bring myself to do it, no matter how tempting it was.
Besides, nothing could happen anyway as she said that it was at her time of the month. She then made a suggestion, and that put me off anyway. The suggestion? The suggestion is one that I will never forget till the day I die, and if I remember it on my deathbed, then I'll die smiling! "If the river runs red, use the dirt track!" It grossed me out initially, but now it just makes me laugh!
That was probably the best night of my life. J was lying there, in my arms, drifting off to sleep. I loved just watching her sleep. Then I left her and went to my own bed. But up to that point, I wanted that to be my life from that day on. The thing was, J had a roving eye for the guys. And she was never that good at being faithful.
One time, while I was working, she met M. He looked up to me, for some reason, cos I remember getting a Christmas card from him, and I had no idea who he was. He was the same age as J, so, predictably, when they met, they got on quite well. Too well, as it turned out. While I was working, they went off together, as M walked J home. I then got a phone call from M asking if it was ok for him to go out with J! She was my girlfriend at the time, but because of her age, I didn't take anything too seriously, so when M asked, I said yeah, sure, whatever! I couldn't believe he had the audacity to ask out my girlfriend then ask me if it was ok!
She has always said that she sees me as her big brother, and I've come to accept that. She even gets me to vet her boyfriends! I will always love her, no matter what.
Take yesterday; I was talking to her and her fiancée AJ via MSN online. I'd mentioned that I had some naughty photos of her, and she got really angry with me. They were from a topless modelling shoot that she asked me to do when she was 16. What made that situation more bizarre, is that her boyfriend at the time, was in the room with us when the photos were taken! He knew that I was an ex boyfriend of hers, but because I'm a photographer too, he didn't have that many complaints. Mind you, saying that, he wasn't the most assertive of boyfriends that J's been with.
I was worried that I'd lose her friendship, because of something stupid. I said to her that it was bad enough that I'd lost her to another country; I couldn't bear it if I lost her friendship too. I loved her too damned much! She liked that!
Now we come to the third woman that's been affecting my life. DAC. She is crazy about me. She wants my body, my kids, and me! I'm flattered by her interest in me, but I just don't feel quite the same as her. But I do want to keep her as a friend. Is that wrong? She's told me this morning that her fiancée dumped her last night and told her that he was sleeping with his boss. And I was the first person she talked to about it. I think he's a jerk for doing that to her. I care about DAC I just don't love her in the same way she loves me. She's determined to change my mind though! 2:14pm

Thursday 27th September 2007 6:34pm
This nervous twitch in my eye is driving me crazy! It's like the throbbing I get in my leg. Every time my leg throbs, I can see my leg pulsate. Weird, but cool! My leg I mean, not my eye. My eye is getting painful, so much so that I'm constantly rubbing it, or having to cover it over with my hand. Making it harder to see, seeing as I have to take my glasses off to do that.
Thursday is going to be a good night TV wise, I'm thinking. Some new programmes are starting tonight, including The Secret Diary of a Call Girl starring Billie Piper. I just so happen to be currently reading the real Diary of the girl that the show is based on. Ok, so I deliberately bought the book Belle De Jour: The Intimate Adventures Of A London Call Girl, because it's influenced this new show. I must confess, though, it's a damn good read. I understand that there is a follow up to this book, so I'll be looking out for that too.
It reminds me of a book I bought last year, called 'Girl With A One-Track Mind' which the author must have read Belle's diary as an influence to write her own diary. (Belle's came out in 2005) And now, I'm writing my own! Now I can't say that mine will be anything like that, I don't have a sex life to begin with. Unless I tell the adventures of the Five Knuckle Shuffle!
No, somehow, that's not me. This, diary will hopefully be more about me finding employment and keeping it! As well as the main reason for this diary, which is spilling my blood, guts and feelings on to this written page. 6:54
　
Friday 28th September 2:39pm
I was going to start writing about life as a single man, but after what it's taken to open this diary file, I'm just relieved that when this computer crashed, I didn't lose my work. All I might have lost is the save file for my other obsession, Football Manager! I guess that doesn't really matter, as I never get past the 3rd season without getting bored and resetting the game anyway.
To what I was going to say; I watched a programme called Streetmate last night, which is a dating show, but on the street (!) I noticed that the single guys that they always looked for were the athletic type, good looking, and good camera fodder. I can't imagine that I would ever feature on that show. Which is a shame. Cos I think I'd be quite fun on it, (blow your own trumpet, why don't you!) If I want to find a decent girl, maybe I just need to lose weight. It's not that easy. I mean I'm currently about 24st 5lbs. which I guess isn't too bad considering what I've been. Target is to get to get to about 17/18 stone. But if I can get down to under 24 stone, then that's progress! 2:50pm

Saturday 29th September 2007 11:33pm
It's been a relatively quiet day today. Not much to report. Highlight of the day has to be the football match between Portsmouth and Reading. Portsmouth won an amazing 11-goal thriller, 7 - 4! And inexplicably, I missed the match on Match of the Day. Thank God it's repeated tomorrow morning!
Speaking of football, after my computer crashed yesterday, I accidentally erased my manager game, as I thought that it didn't save properly. When the game doesn't save properly, it creates a back up, but muggings, here, erased that too! So I'm now starting from scratch, and I'm trying to remember which players I bought last time round, and trying to buy them again!
What life would be like to be a real manager! Not as easy or as glamorous as the game, that's for sure. Speaking of pipe dreams, No-one won the full £88million jackpot on the Euro Lottery last night, so it went down to the next line down. 14 people won on that line, each winning a cool £7million each. And six of those people were from the UK! And, no, not one of my numbers came up! Never mind - must keep trying! 11:44pm

Sunday 30th September 2007 4:39pm
I forgot to mention yesterday about me not feeling so well while shopping yesterday. I just felt a little faint, after getting stressed out by ASDA's lack of stock or not have labels on the point of sale racks or even removing products from the shelves with no real reason. I know it's pointless, getting stressed out over something so trivial. It just wound me up! If I had passed out or collapsed, and then the store had to call out paramedics, and if I hadn't revived by that point, I imagine that they'd have to call out the fire brigade because my weight exceeds the maximum limit that paramedics could aid me. If you weigh more than 20 stone, then the Fire service is requested for further assistance. Thank God I didn't pass out!
This morning, I wasn't feeling good, had my toilet issue again, not to mention the fact that I thought I might be sick. Fortunately I got over it, thanks to Mum, really. She gave me a throat sweet and it actually settled me down. I was surprisingly impressed! Because we don't have a car at the moment, we have someone give us a lift to mass. Unfortunately they couldn't take us today, so they got one of their parents to take us. So it's them, their parents, or a taxi that we have to rely on. We feel bad having to phone them every week to make sure we can get to mass, but there is no-one else to rely on.
Taking Sven for a walk today, I met this girl taking her Staffordshire bull terrier puppy for a walk. Her Staffy's called Louie/Louis and he was very energetic. Sven didn't like him much, and sulked off to do his own thing. The Girl and me got talking and I must confess, she was quite cute! I guess she is in her early twenties, long curly brown hair, and a nice smile.
When I joked that Sven had gone off in a sulk and probably was heading home, she asked where home was, and I told her. We parted and exchanged 'see you around' to each other. As I was about to go through my front door, I spotted her coming up my road, so I hesitated going in. Sven barked at Louie again, and I just smiled at the Girl and went inside. So now she knows where I live! Maybe I'm reading too much into this, but why did she come up my road, specifically? I'm not a hunk, more a chunk! Yet when I'm not looking for potential girlfriends, they come and find me. This time, if I see her again, I'll try and ask her for her name. Something could come from this! But knowing my luck, that's highly unlikely! 5:04pm