Retroexposure

Chapter 33 - Rednecks - The End

Monday 1st September 2008 11:34am

Two rednecks are out hunting and come upon a huge hole in the ground. The first hunter says, "Wow, I wonder how deep it is?"
The second hunter says, "Let's throw something down and see how long it takes to hit the bottom."
"There's an old engine over here," the first hunter replies. "Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see."
So they throw it in and are standing there, listening, when they hear a rustling in the bush behind them.
As they turn around they see a cow come crashing through the bush, run up to the hole and jump in headfirst.
While they're trying to figure out what just happened, an old farmer walks up.
"You fellas didn't happen to see my cow around here, did you?" The farmer asks.
"Funny you should mention that actually," the first hunter replies. "We were just standing here a minute ago and a cow came running out of the bushes behind us and jumped headfirst into this hole here."

"That's impossible," says the old farmer. "I had her tied to an engine."

11:45am

Friday 5th September 2008 10:52am

This weather is really depressing. The weathermen say that the summer is over for this year. What summer?? I'm sure this country has had more rain this year than we've had in the previous 5! It certainly feels like it anyway.
Tonight's Euro Lottery is a massive £92 million! That's nuts! What the hell would you do with all that? Anything you ever wanted, that's for sure.
It's been a busy week in football. An Arabian oil tycoon has bought Manchester City. His wealth makes Roman Abramovich's £12billion fortune look like pocket money! The first thing they did with their newfound wealth was smash the British transfer record by buying a player for £32million! With transfers being so expensive, lower clubs in divisions like Leicester's current one will be made bankrupt and probably dissolved by the time 2020 comes round. A frightening thought really.
Also in the world of football, two managers have stuck by their principles and resigned from their clubs due to internal interference over the transfer market. Not that bothered about West Ham losing their manager Alan Curbishley, but I was shocked to see Kevin Keegan quit as manager of Newcastle. I know a few Magpie fans and they've always regarded Keegan as the Geordie 'Messiah'. I wonder if the hardcore fans are going to keep to their words and boycott the club until the Owner and the Executive Director is removed from the club? If so, St. James's Park is going to be a quiet ground for the next few weeks!
My Harem is building! A girl I went to school with, got in touch through Facebook, and we've been talking all week, via text. Topping up my phone £30 quid over the course of last month gave me unlimited free texts, and I've certainly made use of that!! I've sent close to 1500 texts over the last 2 weeks! Shit!! I'd say that 200 of them were down to reading Facebook emails. Still, that's bloody loads! I've got just under two weeks left of my unlimited texts; God knows what the final total will be!! Going back to the girl, I have spoken to her more times over the last week, than I did in the entire 5 years I was at school with her. We were in different halves of the year you see, so interacting with each other was a rare occurrence. I told her my big black secret. She called me 'a fucking idiot', but then, I told her to! I said, "you'll either never want to talk to me again, or you can call me a fucking idiot and I'll know that we can still be friends." I'm so glad she chose the latter option! C is a pretty girl, although she doesn't really rate herself. She's a busy full time mum of two and she still has a better social life than me!
H has been teasing me over all my girlfriends! Well, she is one of them! I've told her that I'm the gayest straight man around! The reason I say that is you normally associate gay guys having loads of girl mates and not many guy friends, well that's me! Apart from being gay!
Speaking of friends, it's J's 21st Birthday soon, so I'll have to get her card sent off by Tuesday. I'm in two minds as to weather or not I send her a disk copy of this diary, as a 'birthday present'. She gave me a copy of her diary once, so I'd be returning the favour I guess! 11:25am