Retroexposure

Chapter 15 - November - Marriage Is A Joke

Thursday 1st November 2007 11:02am

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married twelve times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin."
This puzzled the groom, since after twelve marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would've been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain this phenomenon.
She responded:
"My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent the entire marriage telling me in grandiose terms how great it was going to be.
"My second husband was from Software Services: he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he promised he would send me documentation.
"My third husband was from Field Services and repeatedly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but couldn't get the system up.
"My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and you know the saying – 'Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.'
"My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department. He knew he had the order, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
"My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement and design a new state-of-the-art method.
"My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. He knew how, he just wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
"My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations, and he told me that he met the minimum standards but regulations weren't clear on how to do it.
"My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. Even though he had the product, he just wasn't sure how to position it.
"My tenth husband was a psychiatrist. All he ever wanted to do was talk about it.
"My eleventh husband was a gynaecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.
"My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was...God I miss him!
"So now I've married you, and I'm really excited"
"Why is that?" asked the lawyer.
"Well, it should be obvious! You're a Lawyer! I just know I'm going to get screwed this time!"

I like long jokes like these, partly because as you read them, you're already giggling before you get to the punch line. There's nothing wrong with short jokes or one-liners. I just don't think that they come across as funny on the page as well as a comedian like the masterful Peter Kay saying them. It's all about the delivery, I guess. And having confidence as well. Not to mention a good memory. I don't know how these comedians do it.

I think my top five favourite comedians are:

Robin Williams – I have his DVD when he did a Broadway stand-up show for HBO in 2003. I was crying with laughter all the way through!

Peter Kay – Easily Britain's best comedian. I have a CD of his Top of The Tower stand-up show from Blackpool – must get round to buying the video or DVD.

Bob Monkhouse – A true comic legend, sadly missed. His Audience With... ITV show some years ago was incredibly funny.

Victoria Wood – The only comedienne on my list. Fantastically observant material, which includes some hysterical musical ditties!

Chris Rock – Finally – this man's stand-up shows are probably the best around. Controversial definitely, but funny all the same. The digital channel 1TV4 is showing one of his shows over the weekend, so I'd better record it!

I'm sure there are plenty of others I could've included, but they were the first five that came into my head. So surely that must mean they are my favourites, right? 11:50am
　
4:50pm
I know it's firework weekend; Bonfire night parties being held everywhere. But what I hate is, inconsiderate bastards, usually in their teenage years, letting off fireworks in the park area near my house when people are obviously walking their dogs before it gets too dark. Take this afternoon for example. I'm taking Sven for a walk when a couple of fireworks go off, on the far side of the park area. It scared the crap out of Sven, but we felt safe in the knowledge that it was a fair way away. Then, all of a sudden, about four or five of those 'inconsiderate bastards' let off two fireworks about 100 yards from where Sven and myself, plus two other dogs and their owners were walking. If Sven's lead or collar was any looser, then I'm sure he would've bolted out of sight. Smartly, Murphy's owner took her mobile phone out, and pointed it in the direction of the teenagers. Then when I took my mobile out, they decided to move on. These camera mobile phones finally have a good use! It was certainly useful as a great deterrent. Next time if I see them do it again, and I'm not alone, I'll definitely use it for real. 5pm

Friday 2nd November 2007 10:07am
Those teenagers will have a hell of a lot to answer for if anything happens to Sven. The poor dog was terrified to go for his usual morning ablutions. He did what was necessary, but as soon as he'd done that, he then turned on his heels and headed back home. He'd made a mess in the kitchen, so when I went to clear it up; he jumped up at me and scratched at my face, knocking my glasses to the floor.
　
I'm sure that was his way of saying to me that he was angry with me for taking him to the park. He had kept looking over his shoulder in the direction of where the first firework went off. I've never seen such a humanised reaction. I really did feel sorry for him. 10:15am

Sunday 4th November 2007 2:27pm
I read a story in the church's newsletter, that I thought was so cool, I'd share it with you, dear diary!

There is a story told in Holland, perhaps more mythical than true. It runs this way.
There was an old church. For many years, upon entering it, everyone would stop and bow in the direction of a whitewashed wall. Nobody knew exactly why anybody did that, but everyone had been doing it for such a long time that nobody questioned it. It was tradition. Besides, there was something fitting about doing it. It felt right.
One day the parish decided to renovate the church. Among other things, they began to strip the paint and whitewash off the old walls. While doing this, they discovered traces of a painting on the wall to which everyone always bowed. They gently peeled off the paint, careful not to damage what was beneath it. Slowly there emerged a very beautiful, centuries old painting of Christ. Nobody was old enough to have actually seen it. It had been whitewashed over for the last century or two. Yet everyone had been bowing to it not knowing why, but sensing there was a good reason for the reverence.
(Ronald Rolheiser, Catholic Herald)

I don't mean to enforce religion on anybody; I just thought that that was a nice story that could be shared with everyone, even the atheists! What did you think? 2:43pm

6:29pm
Something must be going right for me! I've weighed myself tonight, and I weigh just over twenty-four stone. It's the lightest I've been for over three years! I'm well chuffed. It's ten stone off the recommended weight but about six or seven off my ideal weight. So there's some progress at least! 6:33pm