Retroexposure

Chapter 28 - May/End Of The Season

Thursday 1st May 2008 11:30am

A man goes into the cinema to watch a film one night and is surprised to find that the man in front has brought his dog along with him. Then, as he watches the film, he's amazed to find the dog in front laughing at the funny parts, crying at the sad parts, biting his nails at the scary parts and so on. He can't believe it. So after the film, he approaches the owner. 'Blimey, mate, that dog of yours is amazing. He was really enjoying that film!'
'I know,' shrugs the owner, 'but you should've seen the way he tore into the book.'

I've read the first book of Stephen King's Richard Bachman omnibus collection! It's really a short story, at less than 150 pages, but it took me ages to really get into it. Once I did, I read the last two thirds of the book over the last 24 hours! Rage was a really good story too. I could imagine this being made into a film too. The problem is though, after the Columbine and West Virginia school massacres in recent years, the likelihood of this being made into a film is very unlikely! It was a very enjoyable, and darkly comic novel though. Bizarrely, in my imagination, the school being used was my old secondary school. I think that's what made it so entertaining in my head! 11:49am

11:16pm
I've been watching a programme all week called Embarrassing Bodies, and it's made me realise that I must get my moles checked, and my crown jewels frequently looked at too. 11:18pm
Sunday 4th May 2008 5:31pm
May the 'fourth' be with you! Lame joke, I know, but I'm feeling a little depressed right now. It was a Star Wars gag, if that joke went above you! As in 'May the Force be with you'. Just a play on the date, I couldn't resist.
You're probably wondering why I'm depressed. Well, the reason is because my hometown football team, Leicester City, has been relegated to the third tier for the first time in its 124-year history. I'm devastated. I'm sure the current manager Ian Holloway will be sacked by the end of the week, but in all fairness, Leicester City have been through more managers this season than any club in the history of the football league, I'm sure of that statistic. Since the end of last season, two managers were sacked, one left, and I think the current one will be sacked too. An absolutely crazy turn of events! 5:46pm

Friday 9th May 2008 1:14pm
Ever had a day where no matter how hard you try, you can't concentrate on anything? I can't stop yawning. I can't even focus on writing this diary entry. Usually I have a sense of excitement when writing an entry, but I feel like I can't really be arsed to even write this. Maybe it's down to the mini heatwave we've been having this week. Since Tuesday it's been the hottest, cloudless, period of weather we've had since, well, since 2006! The weather during last summer was pretty shitty all throughout those supposedly hot months! The last couple of days, I've made a start on the gardening, strimming the lawn down to a more manageable length and clearing some of the weeds in our back garden. Now, today, it's not so hot and sunny, it's warm and very humid! It's just zapped all the energy out of me. I like reading and I can't even concentrate on a book.
I finished a second book in the Stephen King omnibus I was telling you about. The second book was called The Running Man. Now I've seen the film that was supposedly based on the novel, and apart from three characters, it was nothing like the book. The novel was far better and far more superior. I'd have much preferred to see the film version of the novel as it was written. Instead a few characters and a loose plot premise were used to make an expensive B-movie. The book was much grittier. The film was just camp! And cheesy too! 1:32pm

Sunday 11th May 2008 11:45pm
It was the last day of the Premiership season today, and my 'other' favourite team won the title!! I've supported Manchester United for 16 years. Ever since Eric Cantona joined them from Leeds United. Ever since I wrote to them asking if Ryan Giggs could come to my secondary school in the close season of that year. I was turned down, politely, so they sent me a signed team photo of that year. So I had bone fide autographs of the likes of Paul Ince, Mark Hughes, Bryan Robson and even Giggsy himself! I was well chuffed. Certainly the best consolation prize I've ever received!
There were several major results that affected both ends of the Premier League table, but the match that stuck out for me was the 8-1 thrashing of Manchester's blue half, City, by Middlesbrough!
In 10 days time, Manchester United face Chelsea in the European Champions League cup final in Moscow for a chance to get the domestic and European double. Chelsea, who today had lost out on the chance to do that same feat today, will, I'm sure, be determined to stop them. I have a theory. As the match is on neutral ground, it's a coin toss as to who will be the designated 'home' team. If it's United, then the Red Devils stand a hell of a good chance of winning. If Chelsea gets the draw, then I reckon, psychologically, they might have the upper hand, as they haven't lost at 'home' in over 80 games. Whether that's just in the Premiership or over all competitions, I don't know. What I do know, is that this match will be an absolute thriller! 11:59pm

Monday 12th May 2008 8pm
I forgot to mention last night how human Sven is becoming! I'm referring to my dog of course and not the manager of Manchester City! I realise that saying a comment like that might get me a pass to the nearest funny farm, do not pass go, do not collect £200. But I'm being serious. The dog has a sense for knowing when the cooking needs to be checked and what the flaming time is! Well more knowing the passage of time, not the actual time. He's not that well trained! I jokingly told him to let me know in five minutes that the dinner would be ready, while I saw the end of a TV programme. He only went and barked 5 minutes later didn't he? I'm sure dogs do understand us. I just wish we could understand them! 8:06pm

Wednesday 14th May 2008 10:20pm
I've just seen a documentary called Half Ton Dad, which focussed on a man in America (where else?) who weighed a staggering 73 stone. Which is just over 1000lbs. Also in the documentary was a side story of a 19-year-old lad who weighed a colossal 57 stone. That's 3 stone per year of his age. At my worst I was averaging a stone a year. I will NEVER let myself get into the same sorry state that those guys found themselves in.
In all fairness though, I've got Sven who keeps me active. I have to take him out a minimum of twice a day. If I'm honest with myself, without him, I think I would stay holed up at home, like the two gentlemen I mentioned above. The older man, in his 40s, brought his hulking physique on himself. The teenage lad, I'm sorry but his mum is totally to blame for that. A surgeon on the documentary said that the 40-year-old ate the equivalent of a single person's fortnightly food shopping in a single day. Oh, my God! The teenager's mum feeds him 2ft long hot dogs! They (Americans) blame fast food as a cheap convenience food. So they have the likes of McDonalds and Burger King every single day, maybe two or three times a day in some cases! That's just nuts. If fast food restaurants are so cheap, then whack the fecking prices up! After all that's what Gordon Brown and the Labour government have been doing to this country!! Do you know what? Don't get me started on politics. I don't truly understand it, and by the sounds of it, I don't know if I really want to! 10:35pm