Retroexposure

Chapter 21 - February 2

Saturday 16th February 2008 10:37am
Time to be honest. I'm stressed out at the moment. Mum and I are fast running out of money and I don't know what I can do about it. I've tried applying for jobs, but no one seems to want to give me a chance. It's all because of my criminal conviction, I'm sure of it. Tarred with the same brush as some others.
Great (!)
I'm a failure. I'm scared and I feel responsible. I've let so many people down. I just hope that this two-week course that I'm going on, will kick start my job search. I'm 27 years old next week and I haven't really had a career. Most of my friends are practically settled in their careers. They have families, jobs, and lives. What do I have? Nothing! I need to do something, I need to get a life, get a job and get out of this miserable rut! 10:45am

Monday 18th February 2008 7:05am
7:05am?!? It's certainly rare for me to be up at this time, let alone writing an entry! I was in a miserable place the other day, so it's time to snap out of it! Today, I'm starting back at college this morning. For the first time in almost 7 years! I got up as early as this when I worked in a call centre, but not when I worked up at the video store. I didn't need to get up at 6:30am for that! I'm quite nervous, which is stupid really, but I assume that once I get there, emotions will change! 7:11am

10:16pm
What a good day! It felt so weird walking across that ring road. Years ago, I crossed that same road by going over the pedestrian footbridge, today, I just crossed the road by the traffic lights, just to be different!! Walking through the doors of the college, I felt like I was home! I enjoyed my college life so much way back when; that I was quite sad when I was encouraged to move on to pastures new. The college has changed though, big time. The entire photography department has relocated to this campus from the old one that I knew so well in those 2 years. It's about time really. There was a plan to move, back in 2000. At least the college went through with it, eventually.
I got there quite early, before any of my new classmates. At about 8:40am the course organiser directed us to the classroom that we'd be using. Many of the students, maybe even all of them, didn't know where to go, so I used my prior knowledge and led the way to the room, only to be told when we got there to go to the canteen, or "refectory", as it's known at the college! I led the way to that too.
The session/lesson was really good. I got enthusiastically involved, maybe too involved! I was worried that might happen. One positive thing that came out of the course on the first day is that in the class, I am one of only two males on the entire course. The downside to that though is that 70% of the women on the course are mothers and more than likely have partners!
In my own mind, I'm slightly lacking in confidence when interacting with others, at least that was what I was thinking at 9am this morning. When I mentioned that towards the end of the session, a lot of eyes rolled as if to say, "yeah right!" I guess that when I get started, my obvious gift of the gab can be difficult to control! Looking forward to tomorrow now with great aplomb! 10:38pm

Tuesday 19th February 2008 6:04pm
It was a fun day at college today. Yesterday the tables were laid out in a 'U' shape, but today they were broken down into 5 small groups of tables. It gives the opportunity to talk to other people that you probably didn't speak to yesterday. Among the exercises we did today, we had to discuss what it was like working in a team and whether there were positive or negative reactions to working with a team.
I also discovered that I'm naturally 'kinaesthetic'! Until today, I'd never heard of that word. I like it, and I'm definitely going to use that in my letters of application when applying for jobs!
'Kinaesthetic' learners learn through physical activities. People with this learning style like hands on, doing it, practical methods. Definitely sounds like me! For example when I made Mum's flat pack wardrobe last year, I barely looked at the instructions. I only referred to them to check I had the necessary materials. I did a questionnaire and I also discovered that the 'Auditory' style was my least favourite. Yeah, I can believe that! I'm terrible at listening; I'm the first to admit that. The only thing I do like listening to is music. If I'm working on something or playing a computer game without music, I have to have music on in the background. I can't stand working in silence. Could explain how I did so crap in the GCSEs all those years ago!
The last exercise we did was talking about first impressions. And then we were set a sort of 'homework' task and go into a shop in town and act like a mystery shopper. I've an idea what I'm going to put on my work, as I went into three shops this afternoon, and none of the staff in any of the shops came to my assistance. Thing is, I either looked too capable or I was just blatantly ignored. I mean, at 6'2" tall and 24 stone, I'm not exactly hard to miss, am I?
Something my tutor told me is that where the old Olan Mills photo studio is, is a new photography studio, which I'd actually noticed yesterday, but she advised that it might be worth leaving my details with them for whenever there is a possible vacancy. I'm definitely going to do that. I know that my conviction might make this a pointless application, but I won't know unless I try, will I?
My hopes for getting up in the mornings have improved dramatically already as I'd woken myself up this morning, seconds before my alarm actually tripped! How long this new found internal alarm clock will last, I don't know, but I'm quite proud of myself for managing it!!
Did I really use the word 'aplomb' yesterday? I've heard of it, but have no idea what it really means!
My birthday is drawing closer. Now it's not a big birthday obviously, but I'm meeting up with DAC for the first time in more than six years. To say that she's excited about seeing me is an understatement beyond words! I'm thrilled to be finally meeting her again after such a long time, but I can't say that I'm as enthusiastic as she is! She is coming a long way, so I've got to show some interest. I just don't know how to play it cool. So as well as DAC coming on my birthday, our landlord is too. No, not to wish me a happy birthday! He just needs to measure our faulty fire, as we need to get it replaced as soon as we can. 6:35pm　
　
Wednesday 20th February 2008 4:36pm
Feeling a bit miserable this afternoon. This morning at college went really well, until 11am. We'd been doing some exercises in our workbooks. We then went for the mid-morning break. And that's when things took a dark turn. One of the girls that was sitting on my table, I was actually working with her, came up to me and a few others who had congregated outside in the smoker's corner, asking if we'd seen or actually had her mobile phone. She'd left it on our table and left the room, then went straight back just a few moments later, only to find that her phone had been taken.
She didn't want to accuse us, but felt that she obviously had to ask us. We all headed back to the room and informed the tutor and the rest of the class. It's terrible to think that one our class had taken someone else's phone. Many of us were horrified and willingly emptied our coats and bags and it was all to no avail. No one appeared to have the phone.
The tutor then called security, and another member of staff. Not sure what his position was, but anyway. He told us that security may have to search us individually and question us, and then if that didn't bring up the necessary result, the police would have to be informed.
He then made a suggestion that, a bit later on, we realised wasn't exactly the smartest of suggestions. He sent us on another enforced break so that the possible perpetrator could discreetly return the phone during that 10-minute break. The girl, the smoker's corner group, and myself, headed back outside for that ten minutes. When we'd returned, the phone hadn't been returned. So the girl went and spoke to that member of staff that had sent us out, and a security guard.
When she came back in and sat down, she was visibly upset and pissed off. She sat there mulling things over in her mind for a few minutes, and then, understandably, asked if she could leave and go and cancel her phone. What upset her the most, was that the purpose of having the phone was so that if anything happened to her son at day care or school, I don't know how old he is, she could be contacted easily. She hadn't dropped the phone anywhere, and if she had, the phone would still be switched on. But she realised that someone must have it, as she'd found out that her phone had been switched off.
After this, I'm not sure that she'll be at college tomorrow. Which is rather disappointing for her and for all of us as a group. My table that the girl had been sitting at had several dirty looks cast our way, as if to assume that we had her phone. That made me and the other girl and the lad feel very uncomfortable. It had cast a really dark cloud over the group, and now, it looks that everyone will now have that D.T.A attitude. Don't Trust Anybody. Which is ironic when you realise that today's lesson was all about giving good first impressions! 5:06pm

Thursday 21st February 2008 4:14pm
It was the last lesson of the week at the college, and after yesterday, it was pretty much non eventful. For the first time this week I can't think of anything memorable to talk about the course. Our focus today was all about Customer Service and how to deal with different types of members of the public.
On a completely separate subject, I've put off meeting DAC for my birthday. I, kind of, lied to her. I was getting cold feet in a way. I'm too afraid to tell her that I can't see us really having a future. 'I'm too afraid?' How stupid does that sound? I had a text from J this morning, and then I rang her. (All these mobile phone calls and now international calls too, damn! I'm not looking forward to that phone bill!) I'll be the first to admit that if I had to choose between J and DAC then I'd choose J every time. J was worried that DAC was trying to trap me into an engagement. I thought that too. I even wrote a text to send to DAC last night, to put her off Sunday but didn't send it. After talking it over with J and Mum, and my own conscience, I sent that text this morning. I guess I didn't want a confrontation on my birthday. Selfish, I know, but what can I say?
I spoke to DAC about 15 minutes ago. Compared to how excited she was yesterday, she sounded really down this afternoon. I feel bad, but it's better than feeling squirmingly uncomfortable on Sunday. I doubt I'd get a card from her now!!
With Madeline McCann still missing, another young girl went missing yesterday. Shannon Matthews is nine years old, yet she was allowed to walk less than a mile home in –7-degree temperatures after going swimming after school. It's not clear that anything untoward has happened to Shannon. Apparently, a classmate said that Shannon talked of running away. My only question is why on earth did Shannon's mother allow her daughter to come home on her own? I mean with the Maddie search constantly at the forefront of everybody's minds, no decent parent should allow a child under 10 to walk home alone.
Sarah Payne. Holly Wells and Jessica Chapman. Maddie. Will parents ever learn?
I can remember, living at the old house, my neighbour's youngest kid heading to the corner shop around the time of Holly and Jessica's disappearance, and offering to go with him to the shop, just to keep an eye out for him, but he said no. I reluctantly let him go, but if he were my kid, I would've gone with him.
Parents are allowed to bring up their children in anyway they see fit, obviously, but I just hope that they don't have to learn from their mistakes in the same way those other childrens's families have. 4:54pm

Friday 22nd February 2008 2pm
Just been going down memory lane today. Another friend from my old school days has got back in touch via Facebook. Actually she's been someone I'd been looking for, for ages! All I need to do now is somehow trace my best friend from school and my Facebook journey will be complete!! Getting back in touch with this old friend inspired me to look through my old photo albums. So through my mobile, I've been able to upload some of those old photos. It's cool seeing what they look like now compared to back then, at the time I really remembered them. I love going on these nostalgia trips. I think its ok to say that these friends that I grew up with are friends I truly loved, do you know what I mean? Looking back over the years in the photos, it was the same people at the same parties every single year. Well, certainly every year in my primary school. And most of them are on Facebook. One day I'd definitely love to get them back altogether for a dinner party, a bit like Jon Favreau does for that tv show Dinner for Five, in which he finds four celebrities to dine with as they talk about their careers, projects that they are promoting, or just being there to have a general chat with other colleagues in the industry. 2:13pm