Retroexposure

Chapter 7 - Early October 2nd - 7th 2007

Tuesday 2nd October 2007 12:09am
Was watching Paul O'Grady earlier, and he started weeping when his guest, and close friend, Amanda Mealing, told the audience about how supportive Paul had been during her battle with breast cancer, and how he was there for her just a few weeks ago, for her five-year all clear result. Mum turned to me and said, " You say you can't really cry or show your emotions? Well, I'm sure you would if anything like that was to happen to J." I had to agree. I would, without a doubt.
The painful thing is, is that should something like that happen, there would be nothing I could do about it. Unless, she came back to England and I was able to look after her. I can't keep holding a candle for her, but I can't help my feelings for her either.
I realise just how alone I'm feeling right now. Sure, I've got a few friends that I can text, or talk to, albeit briefly. But there's no one that I can have a good old talk with. Mum's got her friends, admittedly, they're on the end of a phone too, but she can still talk to them for ages, when they are contactable, that is! Me? There really is no one, only L, my probation officer, but I'm not sure she counts!
I know that I've got Mum to talk to, but I need someone else besides her. I mean, who is there when I want to complain about mum? As it stands? Just you, my dear diary. Just you. 12:27am

10:04am
Sven is impossible! Just took him for a walk, and on the way back I noticed, and so did Sven, that someone had dropped a sausage sandwich. Sven was tugging at the lead, and boy did he want that! I think the bread mainly; the sausages were just an added bonus. I had to yank him away, as we were heading home.
Now once we are in our garden it's usually safe to drop Sven's lead as I open the front door. As soon as I dropped the lead, Sven turned on his heels and ran straight towards where the sausage sandwich lay. For his age, he is still a very fast dog. I couldn't stop laughing, as I knew exactly where he had gone.
What made me laugh harder was when Sven tried to jump gracefully from the road onto the kerb, not realising that kerb dips towards the road at corner (for prams and buggy users, I expect!). By the time I reached him, Sven had virtually eaten the lot. "He wanted his breakfast!" Mum joked, when I told her what Sven had just been up to!
Sven truly is a scavenger. I'm sure he eats more human food than dog food! Maybe it's that kind of diet, that's kept him feeling young at heart! 10:16am

11pm
Having taken some Modafinil earlier on this evening, it probably wasn't a smart idea to finish off the little bit of wine left over from Sunday night! It's left me feeling a little heady and tired, which is the exact opposite of what Modafinil is supposed to do. But, I'm obviously corpus mentis enough to write this entry.
What I was going to say, is that DAC must be nuts to back together with her ex. She says everything is ok between them. I've even been invited to the engagement party. Tempting though it is, I don't think I'll be going somehow.
For a start, it's in another city, and not only that it's A: at night, and B: I'd have nowhere to stay. And somehow, I don't think I'd be allowed to sleep on DAC's floor, do you? And what if I turn up and she realises that she really wants to be with me? That would make the night kind of awkward, wouldn't it? At least, I'd have a bed to sleep in that night (!) Maybe not, thinking about it, her grandparents are quite strict, so she says. If they weren't, would I be stupid enough to sleep with her? More than likely. Hey, what can I say? I'm a bloke!
Ooops, I've used that excuse already! I'm a randy bloke, then! Slight difference. I care about DAC, I do. I wouldn't want to see her hurt. I wouldn't want to see any woman hurt for that matter.
I took Sven for a walk this afternoon, hoping to see Girl again, but sadly that didn't happen. Sven certainly is an attention grabber, that's for sure. A young family and their young daughter (who was kicking up stink, while brother sat in the car), spotted Sven, and the daughter looked amazed at him. Sven is a very rare breed, in this country anyway, and the family said how cute he was, and how fluffy too. Sven liked the compliments because he then tried to jump into their car!
I'm realising that this diary is actually helping me. I'm not feeling depressed, stressed or angry. Crikey! Expressing your feelings, even if it's on paper, really does work! 11:17pm

11:54pm
I read in the paper today that the 80s TV show Knight Rider is planning on being remade into a TV series, but without David Hasselhoff. For a start, that's a sacrilege in itself! Not only that, they expect that KITT will be able to FLY! He's a car, not a flaming airplane! The Turbo Jumps is what made Knight Rider the show that it was. Mum tells me that when I was little, I used to squeal every time I heard the theme tune!
Now I know that there is going to be a Knight Rider movie, that's planned for next year. But apparently a new plot plus a possible TV series is also due for next year too. It can't happen. As much as the kid inside me wants it to happen, it just won't work. They did a TV movie called Knight Rider 2000, which was set at the turn of the millennium (The film was made in 1991).
The idea behind that was to turn that into a TV series, with a female lead, but again, it didn't work. Whoever is behind this new project, should take notice of what happened after that film. A TV series called TKR – Team Knight Rider was made in the late 90s and that got dropped after one season, partly because no true Knight Rider fan wanted the memory of the old school series tarnished!
As the saying goes, if it isn't broke, don't fix it!
Wednesday 3rd October 2007 12:05am

Friday 5th October 2007 4:26pm
Look at that! I haven't written an entry for two days. There's been nothing to write about really. Not strictly true, I nearly blew my top with Mum on Wednesday because she made the computer crash, and a lost a few hours work, that I hadn't yet saved. When I say 'work', I mean 'football manager' I'm totally addicted to the game. I totally overreacted. I even thought about hitting her. It's not right. But I managed to contain my anger, which is a first for me, I think. I regretted it, and later, I apologised. I need to get myself a life!
I was given details to apply for a Royal Mail vacancy, but I don't think I'm going to apply for it. For several reasons: 1. It's very temporary – three weeks. 2. I'd fail the CRB check 3. The Royal Mail is currently in the middle of strike action, and 4. I'm not sure if I really want to work there, as a novice, at the busiest time of the year. I'd prefer to ease myself in. Is that wrong?
We've had our landlord round twice in two days. First to help bleed the radiators; watching him, I realised that I'd been doing it wrong at the old house, which might explain why whenever mum needed that particular radiator on, it always leaked! Then today, he came and fixed (temporarily) our leaking toilet, with black insulator tape. Before he arrived this morning, we discovered that the boiler had packed up. But after he looked at it, he went away and phoned me to tell me what to do, and fortunately, it's now fixed and working again! Our landlord is a great man, and very understanding too.
I think the reason I didn't write anything down yesterday or Wednesday night (after my unnecessary attack on mum) is because I was too ashamed to acknowledge what I had done. Doing this diary is what's helping me not lose my mind or my temper, because I know that writing down my feelings is a good form of release. 4:52pm

11:28pm
Just been going over what I've done so far. I printed what I'd already written, and my mum's proofread it. I'd missed a few words and had a few grammatical errors to deal with as well, but Mum was impressed with what I'd done so far. As predicted, she knew about my lie about S and me getting it on in my bedroom. She was disappointed in me, but I guess that that's better than getting arrested for public indecency! Now mum isn't the fastest of readers, she'll admit to that, but she read through these first few pages very quickly, by her standards anyway.
I cringed a little when she'd got to the part about S's and my sex shenanigans! But as I'd guessed, Mum did cry at the bit where I talked about Sherry and Brandy. And she calls me predictable! My current feeling is being proud of myself, knowing that I've got Mum's backing and support over this! 11:48pm

Sunday 7th October 2007 12:32pm
Mum's been feeling let down over the last 36 hours. As I've mentioned before, we lost our car and have to rely on friends to help us get to places. Well, a couple of friends haven't been able to help us, which means that we have to fork out for taxis. We needed a taxi for mass this morning, Mum'll need a taxi to get to choir practice tomorrow night and then we'll need a taxi at the end of the week for our fortnightly shopping trip. Before we were let down we were going to go to the nearby town tomorrow as well, and Mum was hoping to see her friend MM, midweek too.
So all those taxis would cost anything up to £30 in total. Just for taxis! It's crazy. So, I don't think we will be going to the nearby town, and sadly, Mum doesn't think she'll be able to see her friend. And I feel helpless in this situation. I wish I could've passed my driving test years ago, so that by now, I would have at least had a little banger to drive around in. 12:41pm