My happiness

We're always gonna be here for you

*one month later*

I look at Steve. Then I look at Alanna's plate. The same piece of pizza from 15 minutes ago. Everyone is looking at her and she doesn't seem to notice. "Alanna?"
She looks at me. I try to read from her eyes what's been going on for this past moth. I try to see, to at least acknowledge what's going on in her head but there's nothing to see. The eyes I used to look at for hours, the eyes I used to always see a little sparkle in, are empty now. They're emotionless.
"What is it?", she mumbles always looking at the table.
"Aren't you gonna eat something?"
She shakes her head.
"I'm not feeling well.", our eyes meet again. "Can I please go to my room now?", she questions. I nod.
She immediately gets up and leaves the dining table.
I look at Steve.
"Bella cutie, why don't you go to your room to play?" , I tell Bella. She smiles. "Okay mom!", she says, then leaves the dining table as well. "She's not okay.", Steve states. "I know..", I admit.
I know she's been through a lot. I just need her to talk to me and tell me what's bothering her. Then, I can at least try to help her.
"Maybe you should go talk to her, she trusts you more than me."
I nod in agreement. "You're right, I should definitely do that."
I get up and make my way to her room.
As I reach her door I knock lightly on it three times.
"Alanna?" I quietly call out.
I knock another time.
And once again no answer. Weird.
"Alanna, I'm coming in..."
I quietly open the door. There's no one here. I take a quick look around. A more specific one. Everything's thrown around. All her plushies and pillows. And over her mirror are hanging some of her bedsheets.
A gagging sound is coming from her bathroom.
As silent as possible, I walk towards it. I don't think I wanna see what's behind that door...
I open it.
No...
"Alanna stop!", I grab her and pull her away from the toilet seat.
She's been forcing herself to puke. That's why she's been acting that way.
"Let me go mom!", she cries out. I look at her in shock while she's trying to free herself from me.
Hurtful tears rolling down her cheeks.
"Please Mama...", she begs. I pull her closer to me.  "I have to do it...", she sobs, dropping herself on the floor. Don't let go of her. I just follow her move. I look at her as she cries into my shirt.
When did all this happen? "Why..."
She looks up to face me. "Don't you see it? I'm hideous mom. Why can't I be perfect like you?"
I don't manage to get out a word. The red room broke her entirely. I keep looking at Alanna. Her eyes are puffy, her face is red.
My sweet little girl. What have they done to her...
Embarrassed she looks down at the floor. "Alanna...", I start. "You are perfect...because you are you... You don't need to change for anybody."
She just shakes her head while getting up. I stare at her in confusion until I get up as well. "Sorry you have to deal with it mom..", she mumbles. What is she talking about, why is she distancing herself so much?
Alanna just exits her bathroom. I follow every move of hers until we're in the middle of her room.
"Alanna, what's going on? Talk to me..."
She keeps shaking her head. "Why not?", I ask. No answer. She just goes on organizing everything thrown around in her room.
I grab her arm. She turns around to face me and pulls it back. A little bit of pain shooting through her eyes. "Everyone would hate me mom, that's why I don't want to talk. I'm not the same anymore. There's ugliness all over my body.", Alanna speaks. She struggles with the last part, fighting the urge not to start crying again.
It doesn't work.
I would never stop loving her. She makes me happy, she's my happiness.
She's been my happiness ever since my teenage years, and it hasn't changed.
She's my daughter. She brought joy back to me. How could I ever see her in a different way. How could a mother ever not like her daughter?
She's just twelve. She should be having other problems.
Because I fucked up taking care of her properly, she now feels this way.
Without any warning I feel her arms wrap around me. It's not like our usual hugs. This one's more desperate. "I'm so sorry...", she sobs into my shirt. "No... there's nothing you should be sorry for."
As I say that I can her Alanna's door opening behind me. I turn my head around. It's Steve.
He enters the room hesitating until Alanna reaches out for him with her left arm.
He takes her hand.
I look at him.
He looks at me.
I nod as he joins our hug. And for a moment it feels like six years ago. Before everything happened and we were a happy family.
"It's okay-", I whisper. "We're here for you...we're always gonna be here for you. "