My happiness

I dont want to go back there

Word count: 1239
Warnings: sh

"How about we just skip school tomorrow and stay here. My parents will be working and Bella will be at school. No one would find out.", I request talking lowly to not make it possible for mom to hear me. "Yes..", Lila murmurs.
I still can't believe what she just told me.
I still can't believe she didn't tell me when it happened in the first place. We usually tell each other everything...
She can't be pregnant.
„We'll meet in front of school alright?", I confirm. Lila hums in agreement.
"See you tomorrow then."
"Bye"
I hang up and look up my ceiling. I would've never thought we'd someday end up in such a situation. How could we have come this far?
The sound of the door opening gets my attention. "Al..?"
Mom.
I smile. She always makes me smile. "Are you busy right now?", she asks. I shake my head. "Can I just stay here for a moment?"
I nod and move to the side for her to have some space to sit next to me. I feel her arms wrap around me as soon as she's sitting next to me.
And suddenly I'm feeling safe again. All my worries are gone. I wish we could just stay like this. Mom and me here in my room like in the old times when there weren't any problems. Well, not any we knew of at least.
When we thought everything was going to be okay.
"Are you okay cutie?"
I look at her. I wish I could just lie. But at this moment I'm just sick of it. Even wanting to tell her I'm not okay and that I need her right now to help me, that everything right now is just too much for me to handle and that I just need a break, here I am once again not getting anything out of myself in fear of mom treating me like I'm something fragile again. Here I am looking her in the eyes, expecting her to understand me, to get what I'm trying to tell her. And she does. She gets it, she understands me, because she nods. She nods and I finally feel understood.
"Can I do something to help you?", mom asks.
"Just...please stay here a while longer.", I respond.

***

"Alanna.", I hear someone call my name. I wake up and search for this person. But no one's here.
My room is dark and cold. I look to my left and right and realize mom's already gone.
"Alanna."
Who's calling me?
I turn around. "Alanna."
I turn to my left again.
Grace. It's her voice I can't see her but it's her voice.
"You have to go. They're coming for you.", she says.
"What do you mean?"
No answer.
„What do you mean!?", I yell. Still nothing.
Suddenly two men in all black appear in my room. They're here out of nowhere. They remind me of the ones that took me, back when I got these red powers. I back away from them and eventually I try to run. Run a fast as possible. I don't want them to catch me. I don't wanna go there again.
I know what they're gonna do to me. They want to hurt me the same ways they did every time I was left alone with them.
But they do. They catch me. And I try to free myself from them but it doesn't work. Nothing works.
I don't want to go back there.
"Mom!", I shout. No answer.
I don't want to go back there .
"Dad!", no answer.
Desperate tears start rolling down my cheeks.
I don't want to go back there.
"Shhh", one of the men says.
Shhh...
I try to free myself from them. Doesn't work.
They carry me out of my room. The house seems to be empty. I look around trying to find someone.
Then I see them. Mom, dad, Bella...gone. They're all dead.

"It's okay Alanna, Wake up.", I hear mom's calm voice. I open my eyes. I look at her. Worry is plastered all over her face. I don't want her to be worried.
"I'm sorry mom..."
I get up and start walking towards my bathroom. "Alanna stop.", mom commands. I don't know why but I listen to her. I actually stop walking.
I wipe my tears away and try to contain the others from falling. "Don't walk away again. What's going on?"
I stay where I am and don't move or say anything.
I don't want to go back there...
A tear rolls down my cheek.
I can hear mom's footsteps behind me. They're getting nearer and nearer until she's standing behind me. I turn around and can't help it anymore.
I don't want to be silent anymore. I need her comfort and only hers. So I hug her. I hug her so tight and mom hugs me back. She understands me. She understands my silence. "Please tell me what's going on..."
I look at her. "I'm scared.", I confess. She looks at me in confusion. I hug her again. "I don't want them to come and get me back.", I sob into her shoulder. "Please mama, don't let them take me.", I beg. "Please.."
"Who's taking you Alanna?"
"The soldiers."
I can feel her head shake on my back. She breaks the hug. "It was just a bad dream, no one's taking you Alanna, I'll make sure of it."
I nod. Not because I agree with her but because I don't want to keep talking.
"Mom can we lay down again?", I ask. She nods in response. "Can you please stay here?"
"Sure cutie."

Fact is, I couldn't get a single bit of sleep that night. I tried to, but it didn't work. I turn around to see if mom's sleeping. She is sound asleep.
The nightmare I had today wasn't like the usual ones. I feel like it was a warning.
What if it's real?
What if they eventually get me?
No, no, no Alanna, stop thinking that way.
I can't stop. I hate all this so much. I thought that after I was out of the red room, I'd get over it. I mean, I've done it before...
But it's stuck with me. And I don't want it to, because every single thought of it gives me pain. The type of pain you can't get rid of.
The pain I only seem to get away in one way.
I get up and enter my bathroom. I get my make up bag and take a little blade out of it.
This is my way of getting rid of this pain.
After you do it you'll feel better Alanna. It's your easy way out, I keep telling myself.
I start making little cuts all over my forearm. Deep enough for it to bleed but not deep enough for it to bleed too much. Every time I slide that blade across my skin, I feel a little more relieved.
It's hurting, yes. But I'd much rather feel that kind of pain than the other one.
I put some bandaids on get up and exit the bathroom. Walking towards my wardrobe I make sure that mom's still sleeping. Then I change into my pajamas and go back to bed.
I didn't get much sleep that night. But I felt better, and that was what mattered.