My happiness

Maybe if I was more like you I'd be happier

„Alanna wake up..."
I open my eyes and look around. My room is dark and empty and a familiar figure is standing next to me. She's staring at me.
Grace.
This cannot be possible... She's dead.
I mean, I watched her die...
"Grace, what are you doing here..?", I confusingly ask. I look at her in Shock. I've had dreams about her before. Mostly about us in the red room. It's never felt so real though. Now it feels like she's really standing there, watching over me.
And never stopping.
Suddenly my blanket is gone. It just disappears. Weirdly I'm wearing short pajama's. A shirt. I never wear that. If it's not with lots of bracelets I don't wear shirts. Yet right now I am. And everything is visible. All my scars.
Grace looks at my arms as I slowly get up from bed.
I try not to believe that it's her, but everything about what I'm seeing right now is telling me otherwise.
„why did you do it?", she asks disappointed.
"What...?", I breath out. She quickly grabs my arms.  Her touch feels so real. Like the first time we met again in the red room after being separated for almost 10 years. I wanted to hug her and never let go of her. It was like I'd found a missing piece.
My missing piece.
Yet now I'm trying to break free from her grip.
"Why are you doing that...Why did you try it?"
I follow her gaze. It's like it's printed on specific parts of my arms.
"Why did you try to kill yourself?", she whispers.
She still looks like the day I first saw her. She's still eleven. And although she's younger, she still seems to be stronger than me. It's always been like that.
"You did it...", I mumble.
"We promised each other at least one of us would get out and meet mom... You almost broke our promise.", Grace starts.
I shake my head. I kneel down to face her. Her hair is Styled in two braids, like the last time I got to see her.Tears are rolling down my cheeks. "I just needed a way out Alanna... it's not your fault... it's not your fault I did it..."
She cups my cheeks with her two little hands.
"There was just so much pain...", Grace explains.
"I miss you..", I sob. She smiles at me. If you hadn't known her you would've thought she was okay. She always tried to smile. She always tried to make me feel better.
Her biggest dream was to meet mom. She never got to do that. It should've been me. She deserved living more than I do.
"You have to wake up now, Alanna." , she tells me.
"Wake up."

***

"Wake up Alanna."
I eyes shoot open. Mom.
I keep myself under my blanket making sure she doesn't see anything, while rolling down the sleeves of my sweatshirt. "You're crying Alanna, are you okay?"
I quickly nod and brush my tears away. "Are you sure?", I nod again, sitting up. She doesn't know what about happened to Grace. She doesn't even know I met her again in the red room. And I feel bad everyday for not telling her about it. "No you're not.", she then tells me. "I can see it in your eyes Alanna. What's wrong?"
"It was just a bad dream mom", I answer. Now there's worry plastered all over her face. She gets them so many times. She knows how bad they can get. "Wanna tell me about it?", she asks. I shake my head and get up to go to the bathroom. "Alright.." I didn't face her. I couldn't. I'd start feeling remorse again. While I'm washing my face with cold water, I hear how mom silently walks out the room.

Natasha's pov

This was weird.
Sometimes I wish she'd talk more. I would understand her. But she's just so closed up about her feelings. It's hard to tell how she's feeling. It's always the same. No matter what I ask her, it's always the same.
How are you?
"As usual"
How was school  today?
"As usual" 
I just want it to be the same it was a couple of years ago. When we'd tell each other everything.
I walk down the stairs to find Steve and Bella already eating breakfast.
"Where is she?", Steve wonders. Normally Alanna would've been up already. Today she weirdly didn't hear her alarm, which is weird since she a light sleeper. "She overslept.", I answer.
He looks at me confused. "She never oversleeps.", I continue. I look up the stairs. I can hear her footsteps running around. "She's stressing too much. Has there been something going on with her?", Steve asks. I shrug. "I don't know..."
I sit down next to him and face Bella. "Did you pack all your things?"
Bella nods as she takes a bite of her toast. Great. Bella usually forgets at least one thing at home. Not unintentionally. She just forgets stuff when she wants to. When she forgets to do her homework it somehow seems easier for her to say that she forgot her stuff at home. "Are you sure Bella?", I ask again.
"We don't want this year to go the same last year went."
"Yes mom I'm sure."
"Okay."
Bella's attention breaks as she turns her head to the left. So does Steve. I look at the staircase. Alanna's walking down the stairs. She's wearing some jeans and an oversized hoodie. It's wine red. And her hair is up in a bun. She's wearing her normal amount of make up trying to cover up the fact that she clearly was crying before coming down. "Are you okay Alanna?", Bella questions. "Yeah.", Alanna answers always looking at the floor. She sits down next to Bella and starts eating one of her toasts. She only eats that one. Then stands up. "Are you ready?", I ask. She confirms nodding.

The whole ride to school was silent. She didn't say one word until we arrived at school. Before she went out I Stopped her. "Are you okay?", I asked. She simply nodded and short after went out.

Alanna's pov

I enter the cafeteria, go get my food and sit down on an empty table. Today was pretty boring. Lila's sick so she isn't here today. That means having nobody for a whole day. I look down at my Food. I just feel Like throwing up. I can't stop thinking about that dream. She's back. And suddenly every memory of that day comes back as well.
I remember the older girl we saw. I asked Grace what had happened to her arms. She told me that that's what people do when they want to die. I had never heard about it. But I believed her. I always believed her.
The red room made us work together all the time. It was easier to trick people if it was twins working together. That day we were training. Grace hadn't been feeling great that day. She hadn't been feeling great for a long time. We were constantly being compared to each other. Something that bothered her a lot. It made her feel worthless. They treated her worse than they treated me. She was a little distant that day. I was trying to make her feel better but nothing seemed to work. She accidentally broke a Glas. Then all of a sudden she disappeared. She had to go to the bathroom. And it took her long to come back, so I decided to go look for her. And there she was. Laying on the floor, blood all around her. I tried to help her. I tried to save her. I shouted for help... I kept telling her that pain only makes us stronger hoping she'd hold on longer. My clothes were stained with her blood.
At the time someone heard me she was already gone.
She did the same thing the older girl had tried.
Because of me.
They treated her like that because of me. They made her feel bad because of me. One day while she was feeling down again and I was trying to make her feel better there was this one sentence she told me. The sentence that would stick with me for the rest of my life.
Maybe if I was more like you I'd be happier.
I ruined everything.

I snap out of my thoughts as I hear someone call my name.
Daniel.
What is he doing here? I look at him in confusion. "Hi Alanna!", he says sitting down. "Hi.", I say quietly. "Uhm, about the tutoring...I wanted to ask you when you're free."
He stares at me waiting for an answer.
"Depends on how many times you need tutoring in a week."
"Maybe two times...", he answers. "Would it be great for you if we met on Wednesdays and Saturdays?", I ask. He smiles. "It'd be awesome!"
I smile as well. He looks cute when he smiles.
"Uhm, if you want to, you can give me your number so we can text each other whenever we have questions...", he then shyly asks me.
My number?
"Uhm, yeah totally!", I get my phone out and show him the number. He immediately copies it.
I look down at my food. I still haven't eaten anything. At least three bites Alanna. You have to. He's gone when I look up. I didn't expect him to stay anyway.
I take a small bite of my hamburger. And suddenly someone someone puts a food plate down in front of me on the table.
It's Daniel again.
"I hope it's okay if I sit here."
I nod. Weird. Why would he want to sit with me? It doesn't seem to be bothering any of his friends.
And somehow his presence doesn't bother me like the ones of others. I don't have to act like I feel great around him. I actually feel great. And for the first time I'm actually socializing with someone else than my family.