𝐇𝐞𝐫 𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐬

35- hair

My eyes flutter open, and the light invades through my pupils, not yet registering in my brain. I feel the familiar metallic taste of blood still on my tongue, and I smell the scent of freshly washed clothes with a tint of the heavy odor of blood, lingering in the air.

I hear multiple voices, but my brain feels like it isn't properly working anymore, and I can't decipher what those voices are saying. Maybe they're in my head. I thought I finally got rid of them.

I try stretching my fingers, but don't know if it worked because they feel like numb sticks plastered on the ends of my hand. I don't dare moving my head to look, instead I just stare into the bright blinding white light on the roof above me. I see a fly zooming in the corner and around the minute the light
flickers like it has some errors, but after it works again just fine.

I can now hear the voices loud and clear, but still can't figure out the words they're saying. I also don't recognize them as the voice that's usually waking in my head, instructing my every move.

I take a deep breath in through my nose, but splutter when I feel something pushing against my nostril. I try opening my mouth to get fresh air in my lungs, but it feels like my mouth isn't connected to my brain anymore and isn't taking its orders no longer.

I can only see the light above me, but suddenly I see a movement in the corner of my eye. I don't want to glance to my side, too afraid of seeing something or someone I'd rather not see, and just continue staring straight up, my gaze focusing on whatever's above me.

I still don't know where I am, I remind myself. I was in heaven just a minute ago, but now I've left again. I know for certain I'm death, I made sure of that, but I have no idea where God decided to put me.

Maybe I had unfinished business on earth?

I wouldn't know which ones. I thought I didn't belong here, on earth. I had no one, and no unfinished business. I thought it would be better to be up there in between the clouds, finally being able to look down on everyone and laugh, thinking about the idea of them having to continue living their pathetic life, while I can finally experience peace, and calmness.

I try saying Luca's name in my head, over and over, but no response belonging to the boy appears. I hear no voice disrupting the quietness in my head. The voices have finally shut up for once and for all.

And suddenly when I finally thought we would have to say goodbye, and try moving on with our life–even though it would've never worked– and we would all be grieving in silence, she woke up from the nightmare, and switched the little light back on by just existing again.

She isn't saying anything.

The doctors and therapist who've visited her in the past hour, all say that this is a normal reaction for a suicide survivor.

Yes, a suicide survivor.

I never want to hear that horrible word in my life again. Not the survivor part, but the suicide part. I've heard it once too many times, and it's always affecting my family. It's always destroying something.

The professionals said that a person like her, will most likely not speak for a while. Apparently they're still confused on why they're still alive, because they were so convinced they'd be dead.

They said, there was a possibility she would have to learn everything again, because she basically gave up on life and didn't think she would need it so her brain just forgot it on itself.

Me and my brothers are all standing in her room, looking at out little fraile  estrella laying in the large hospital bed.

I wanted to take Monie with me so she could give her comfort, but Eleandro refused because they 'didn't allow animals around here', even though we own the place so we can choose whatever the fuck we want to allow or not, but Eleandro still didn't think it was a good idea.

I see my brothers looking at the confused girl–who looks like she just came from another planet– with an expression of pity and concern in their eyes.

We all thought she'd die. We all knew it if we just digged deep enough in our brains, and I'm certain all of us even prayed for her to have a good arrival in heaven. I did atleast.

Her state was just so, so bad, that there was only 20% possibility she would survive. Javi had said it himself. She'd had another seizure when me and Diego were gone–this one in front of the eyes of Adrian and Eleandro– and she lost a lot of blood by throwing up the blood that somehow managed to enter her stomach. Later on, Javi found out she'd taken an overdose on pills too, just to be sure she wouldnt survive, and that those were the effect of all the throwing up.

They found out way too late, and it only minimized her chance on a healthy recovery. There was a really, really, low chance on survival, but somehow she did it, and even without damage. I have no idea how that is possible, but I honestly don't care if it means she is okay.

It's possible that she's gone deaf or mute, but the doctors can't know for sure because she doesn't react on anything. She's just staring straight into the bright light above her bed, and I wonder to myself how she still hasn't gone blind. She barely blinks, and I can't even hear her breathing. I have been checking her chest for the past hour, to make sure she was still alive in fear of losing her again.

Me and my brothers haven't said a thing in a hour, and normally I would break the silence– which I despise– but if only I, myself had something to talk about. I'm for the first time in my life speechless. For the first time in my life, I'm also too sad to say something. I can be sad sometimes too. Normally I'm the brother who still manages to crack a joke when everyone else is sad, but I have feelings too.

Finally I find the courage to speak and ask Javi something– the brother who looks the less affected because he deals with this stuff all the time.

"She's going to be okay right?" I ask him, just phrasing the one thing everyone is thinking.

Javi gives me a hesitant look, but finally answers:

"I have no idea Lucas. It seems like for now her condition is stable, but it can drastically change with everything she does. It really is waiting for now."

I sigh and run my hands trough my hair out of frustration. The hair is share with all my brothers. The hair I share with my sister. The sister who's laying in a hospital bed, because she wanted so desperately to run from the things life gives her.

                                •••
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