𝐇𝐞𝐫 𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐬

59- sea salt caramel chocolate

I wake up with a bursting headache, and it only grows stronger when I think about the fact I'd have to join school in no less than 3 days.

All of a sudden, my own idea of going to school again didn't seem like such a good idea anymore.

I groan, and step out of the hot mass of my blankets, onto the soft carpet on the ground.

I shuffle over to the mirror, and see the giant eye bags under my eyes.

I sigh, stepping over to the cabinet of necessities right next to the sink.

I know the reason I slept bad. I had one of those dreams again. One that is way, way worse than those about Miguel or even Raina's friends. Because these dreams I actually had the intention of doing such a horrible thing. Although I did it to survive, I could've done anything else. But I chose to do this. And even though I do regret it, I knew if I ever got the choice again, I would do it the same all over again. And if that makes me a horrible person, than I'll have to live with that, because I did survive, although the tactics maybe weren't the best.

I quickly cover my eye bags with some concealer, and brush my teeth with the like mint tasting toothpaste.

I spit out the excess of toothpaste, and rinse out my mouth.

Then, I walk over to my dressing, and decide to wear a grey pair of baggy jeans with a navy sweater and I put my hair in two bubble ponytails like I've seen someone on tiktok do.

I stare at myself in the mirror, and don't know what to think. I do like the outfit, but feel like it doesn't look good at all on me. The fabric sticks to my body in all the wrong places, and I feel rather like a sack of potatoes than like a girl wearing this outfit.

I decide to change into a pair of sweatpants and an oversized hoodie, since I'm just going to rot in the house all day anyway.

I stroll downstairs, now watching a thrift vlog of a girl on my for you page on tiktok, until one of my stupid brothers decide to bump into me.

"Watch were you're going." I snap, not looking up from my screen, just continuing to walk downstairs.

Once I reach the kitchen, I immediately walk through it, and enter the living room where I drop down into the sofa.

"Zina? What would you like to eat?" Javi calls me from the kitchen. I groan in frustration.

"I'm not hungry, leave me alone!" I yell back, crawling further into the sofa, now watching a video of a woman making overnight bea wax. All of a sudden I am hungry, but there's no way in hell I'm going to admit that to Javi after I just snarled like this at him.

"Zina!" I see Javi entering the living room out of the corner of my eyes.
"You have to eat something!" He says coming over to me.

I hold my hand in between us, forcing him to step back.

"I don't have to do anything. You're not my boss!" I scowl at him.

I see his eyebrows now raise, and see him struggling with his words before he splutters:

"Listen clearly young lady, you have no reason to behave this way towards me an–" I interrupt his sentence by scoffing, and rolling my eyes.

"Except I have a reason." I say already turning away from him. "You all lied to me from the beginning." I say, now with my back facing him.

"Zina, we–" I hold up my finger silencing him really quick.

"I don't want to hear a thing. I've had enough of your lies." I say, and I regain my attention again on my phone. I don't care if I've hurt his feeling, he– and all my other brothers– deserve it.

I hear him turn around again, and he walks back to the kitchen, probably going to complain to Eleandro because of my behavior.

I.don't.care.

I am still watching tiktok, when Eleandro enters the room.

"Zina, I heard from Javi that you're mad at us for–" I hold my hands over my ears, not wanting to listen to any other lie coming out of his mouth anymore.

"Zina!" I hear Eleandro grumble irritated, but he doesn't get mad at me, and you know why? Because he knows I have every right to be mad.

I see Javi tell Eleandro something, before they both turn around and leave the room, leaving me behind in the living room. I remove my hands from my ears, and decide to binge watch some tiktoks again.

                               •••
After way too many hours of watching tiktoks, I decide I will start watching some TV now. I know, I'm also proud of myself for the variation in my choices.

Right when I want to begin watching one day, I am suddenly craving chocolate so bad, I think I might die from the lack of it.

I haven't eaten today, being too stubborn to obey Javi or Eleandro when they demanded me to come eat. After a while of begging mixed with orders, they finally gave up, and they're now both off to work. Only I and Adrian are home, but I have no idea where he is, and neither do I care. He isn't an exception of brothers that I'm mad at.

I stand up, starting to walk over to the kitchen, already having the vision of the scrumptious sea salt and caramel chocolate in mind, when it suddenly feels like my abdomen is stabbed with multiple knives over and over again.

I groan out in pain, trying to see if sitting down makes it any better, but it only worsens the pain.

I curse under my breath, and waddle over to the downstairs bathroom when I feel a sudden weave of nausea striking me.

I drop in front of the toilet, my head already tilted over the toilet, when it dissappears as soon as it had come.

I breathe out in relief, not having liked the idea of throwing up right now.

I decide to still go to the toilet after all, for safety, when I spot the cause of my grumpiness the whole day.

I'm on my fucking period!

I groan, and let my head hang down on my hand.

I don't even have anything on me right now.

I have no idea where my menstrual cup is packed, and I never had access to tampons or pads.

It's been so long ago since I last had my period, I forgot I even were supposed to have it.

I groan again in frustration, when I realize the only option I have now.

Call Adrian.

                             •••

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