CHASING ( BLUES )

W I N T E R

Tale of winter 

The Thick white colour of winter day.

Dead silent roads, mornings are the new nights, the distinction between the lines has faded now.

The heavy white fog spread as slowly as ever.

The sun is hiding in the envelope of thick clouds, the fog is thick and the air heavy.

Covering cities and people in it.

I blinked my eyes, exhausted I woke up, inside those covers warmth is overwhelming. Thinking everything at once and nothing at all at the same time.

The harsh wind knocked over my window, I looked up dazed, and watched the white hastily covering everything and there is fog condensing on the other side, the reflection in the white, exhausted me.

Everything feels still now, as if time has slowed. Wanting to give the chance to the human race to enjoy it while it lasts.

I slowly breathed, listening to my own rhythmic heartbeat in the suffocating silence, as it resonated it made me feel this sick feeling in my stomach.

The silence overpowering the chaos of the streets. Roaring engines of cars roll silently on the road.

My attention shifted to the stack of papers which were incomplete. I should have completed it by the yesterday's night. What excuse should I tell myself this time now? Should I just made up anything?

What happened yesterday was for yesterday, I will do it today.

I lied. Saying the lie was always easier than accepting the truth.

I walked to the window, everything is white.

Streets, cars, trees, fog, wind.....everything is white.

As my breath touches the glass, the window turns translucent. And then again there is me in the reflection staring back at me who looks more miserable today, even than yesterday.

I raised my hands, pushing back my uncomfortable hairs, I sighed. My visions went to my hands, the inner side of my fingers and palm were covered in small strokes of blue colour, was it enough?

Why? Why not? Really? Questions raised in my head as I moved towards the washroom with uncomfortable thoughts.

I stared in the mirror, the ruined me gazed back. The parts of me I wanted to hide were on the run, visible through the vulnerable eyes of me. I can see parts of me which are not beautiful.

Am I just a meaningless person?

Day by day it gets more ruined.....

Day by day I become more miserable.....

The water runs free, filling the steam around the area. The comfortable setting puts me at the corner of the edge, like falling from there. I stood under the hot water as long as it didn't feel hot anymore. The water dipped through my wet body, even in the warmth everything was cold.

I took way longer shower than one should take, but that's okay cause I don't have anyone to meet.

I walked out, letting myself walk, the unpleasant winter felt good as if it was the best time of the world. Everything felt white. As if the world knew how it felt to be me, everything is draped in white looking so beautiful but everything has no meaning, as if they have lost it, their real self.

The leaves which used to flutter in the air, dance and thrive were on hold now. The trees which used to represent life were white as if dead now.

I don't want to find myself, I want to fade.

My hands were cold, covered in the fog, uncontrollably trembling as my thoughts layered raw in front of me.

The sky no longer shimmered in shades of blue but it was covered in white, it was snowy white, as if it was to remind me everything will tend to crease and will meet the end.

The ground covered in white reflects, the miserable me saw me back.

Without asking for anything, from this world, I stare at the.....

The Thick white colour of winter day.

♡♡

I was listening to RAIN-BTS, then it made me want to write something for winter.

This is what I wrote for me, to be honest I wanted to write more but it's okay this is enough.

This is for my Eighteenth birthday, happy birthday to myself. 

Just a reminder love, we did good. don't listen to anyone else, not even the voices inside  your head. 

Let's keeping doing that, the way we used to live, let's live that way only. Let's enjoy every moment, let's stop every time sky is to bright and every time the moon is so lonely. Let's enjoy and not forget ourselves.