We've just entered the house when the storm started. We could see from the window that the tiny boat began to plunge from side to side and the temperature dipped all of a sudden. We were prepared for this but still were shocked by its brute force. There was total darkness as the clouds started to thicken and threatening lightning advanced.
'Don't worry. This house is built to withstand this type of storm.'
'I am not worried.' I was watching the turbulent lake from the window.
'We are totally safe inside. But I think that boat is not gonna survive. I forgot to tighten the rope.'
'Can't we save it somehow?'
'It's not possible. We won't be safe out on the deck. The water level is rising and right now the most unsafe place in this house is that deck.'
'Oh.'
'So don't go out okay. Stay inside the house until the storm stops.'
'Let's hope that the weather becomes normal tomorrow. Or else we can't go back.' I was mostly thinking about that.
'What's the hurry? In that case we'll go back the day after tomorrow.' Tay was rummaging through the fridge looking for something.
I have to hurry, Tay. There are many loose ends that need to be taken care of. And I have so little time left. I looked at his back and my heart started to hurt.
Thank you for these two days Tay. I will cherish these memories as long as I live. Swimming in the lake, chatting on the deck, hiking on the trail, that beautiful meadow, our kiss under the tree .....
I will keep them in my mind and think about them time to time. And when I leave this world.....
'What are you thinking so seriously?' I was so absorbed in my thoughts that I didn't notice his approach.
'Tay....do you believe in afterlife?' Why is my mind so troubled right now.
'Afterlife? You mean ghosts?' He got startled.
'More like souls...?' I smiled.
'Oh....I don't know.... never think about it..' He sighed with relief.
'Mn.' It's quite normal not to think about this kind of stuff when you are in your early 20s.
'Why?' He leaned on the window frame.
'Nothing. I was just wondering if there is an afterlife.... What souls do when they parted ways with their bodies.'
'I don't know....why are you thinking about this kind of gloomy thoughts? Did Something happen?' He touched my cheek.
'Nothing happened. This weather is making me a bit uneasy.' I am really feeling depressed. I thought I have plenty of time to spend with him. At least 7 to 8 months....not enough...still......but now seems like it will be great if I get even one month.
'This storm will pass soon. Then tomorrow you will see a bright scenery outside.' He tried to cheer me up.
'Really?'
'Mn. Trust me. It will take your breath away. I have seen it before.' He nodded vigorously.
'Okay.' I was doubting my decision. If I knew earlier that I have only this much time left then I wouldn't say yes to Tay.
'Do you want something to eat? Or drink?'
'Do you have beer?' I am tired of this mess. I want to escape reality.....
'I have. But I don't think we should get drunk in this situation.'
'Oh.' I can sense my own helplessness.
'What's wrong Hin?'
'Nothing...just a little headache.' I don't want to hurt you Tay. But.....
'Come. Lie down for a while. You are tired.' He grabbed my hand and started to walk towards the bedroom.
'I don't think I can sleep right now.'
'It's only 7pm. Just lie down for a bit. I will go and make dinner. Eat it when you feel hungry okay?' He didn't pay attention to my protest and gently pushed me into the bed.
'Tay...?' I tightly gripped the hem of his shirt.
'What? Do you need anything?' He was about to walk away when my grip stopped him.
'Stay here with me for a bit.'
'Okay.' He was surprised but didn't say anything and lied down beside me.
'Tay....' I contemplated before utter his name.
'Mn?' He was playing with my fingers.
'About Germany....' I think I should give him time to be prepared mentally.
'You are not going.' His fingers got locked with mine immediately.
'I am sorry.' I slowly started to withdraw my hand but he tightened his grip.
'Hin...'
'Tay...I want to complete my higher education from there.... it's my dream...'
He became silent for a long time. A bitter taste filled my mouth...how pathetic am I! I used his weak point against him. I know he won't stop me if I said this. I am very important to him....... There is no doubt about it.........of course he won't stand between me and my dream.
'Two years.....is a very long time Hin. How am I going to live without you?'
It's not two years Tay...... it's forever.....and you have to live without me....you have to.
'You have so many friends....and you have to study hard....then you will join the company....you will be too busy to miss me.'
'Don't piss me off.' This time he pushed my hand aside.
'Don't get angry....'
'Sometimes you really scare me Hin. You still don't trust my love for you and I don't know what's in your mind all the time. Your thought process is way different than mine and it makes me anxious. I know you don't love me that way and believe me....I am trying my best to make you fall for me....but Hin.....I am afraid that you will forget me after going to Germany. I am afraid that I am not good enough for you and one day you will leave me....'
I wanted to stop him....I wanted to shake him hard and shout out loud that this is all bullshit. I am not going to forget you....I will remember you till I die .... maybe even after that....
But I couldn't utter a single word. Tay waited for my response for some time then silently got up and left. I wanted to hold his hand, I wanted to hug him.....but I let him go.
If he misunderstood me then it's alright... If he wants to break up with me then it's alright.....I will happily accept his resentment.....I just don't want him to be broken hearted....
Hiya and Tay.....these two important people of my life are going to suffer the most after my death and this guilty feeling is killing me.....but my hands are tied....
After a long period of time I looked at the watch. It's way past our dinner time but Tay didn't come back.
I went out to look for him and found him on the couch, sleeping. But it's cold out here! I wanted to wake him up but instead decided to cover him with a blanket. When I was doing that I saw his face up close.
It's like I got stabbed right in the heart.
His eyelashes were wet and tear streaks were on his cheeks. He cried himself to sleep.
I made him cry. The person he loves the most made him cry.
I am sorry na.. please forgive me....I am a very bad person.... rotten to the core....
I softly kissed him on his swollen face and got up. I wanted to burn the whole world down.
I took out beer cans and started to drink. Right now I hate myself the most.
