Faults, Scars, and Guitar Strings

Chapter 4

Chapter 4

*Kayla*

I woke up the next morning to a bunch of banging on my door. Who would be here this early in the morning? That can't be my mom she's always in the kitchen in the morning. Since when do I get visitors?

"What do you want?!" I yelled, but they kept banging on the door. I slid out of my bed, still wearing my clothes from yesterday and walked to the door. My stereo was still blaring Lolita's album, this time her song Time to Let Go was playing:

Let the leaves flow with the wind
let the water rush the rocks.
Let the blood wash away.

Just step back,
take a breath
cause it's time to let go.

I laughed at the irony of my life and unlocked the door only to find my brother standing there. He hasn't visited us in over a year, mostly in part to his big career. I planned on never seeing him again. I wonder what he's doing here anyway. Does he finally need something from us?

"Finally have enough time for us?" I asked.

"Kayla, we need to talk to you," David said.

"About what?" I asked, "I have school."

"Not today," he said, "You're staying here."

"You can't make that decision," I shot back at him. Not that I wanted to go to school anyway, but I sure as hell was not going to allow David to boss me around. He cannot show up and act like he owns the place.

"Mom and Dad are waiting in the living room," he said.

"I don't know what this is, but I don't like it," I said, "See ya." I tried to shut my door, but David put his foot in the way. "What's your problem?!" I yelled.

"You Kayla!" he yelled back, "You need help!"

"I don't know what mom told you, but she's a liar!" I yelled.

"I don't think so," he said picking me up off the ground. He put me over his shoulders, making me yell even more. "Put me down!"

"No, this has to end," he said. He carried me down to the living room and put me down in a chair. As soon as I tried to get up he handcuffed my arm to the chair, followed by the second arm and my feet. What the hell is this?!

"You planned this," I said looking around and seeing both my parents sitting down with David looking at me, "You really had to buy four pair of handcuffs for this? It's kind of pathetic if you ask me. Clearly you've put a lot of time into this plan though. I guess I have no choice but to listen to what you have to say. Not that it'll change anything."

"Apparently we did have to do this," my mom said, "because you don't listen any other way."

"I don't have a problem," I said.

"Don't be an idiot," David said, "Just listen."

"No you listen!" I said, "You can't barge in here after a year and take charge!"

"Oh really," he said getting up off the couch and pulling the sleeves to my hoodie up.

I heard my mom and my dad gasp. David walked over to the other side of the chair and pulled up the sleeve to that arm too. My arms were covered in cuts, all bruised; the most recent, from last night, sticking out more than the rest, well now my secret is out. How do I get out of this? I tried to stand up, fighting the handcuffs, but it is no use I'll never get free of this. I tried again but the chair did not even move. I gave up and slouched back into the chair.

"I didn't want to believe mom," David said in tears, "But it's true."

"Why do you care?" I asked, "It's not like you've been here. Why would it matter what your pathetic sister does?"

"Kayla, you're not pathetic," he said, "How could you say that?"

"Because it's true David!" I yelled, "I'm the disappointment child. There's no way I can live up to the expectations they have! Why should I try then? It's not like I'll ever be successful. So I'm giving up."

"We don't expect you to," my mom said.

"Yes you do!" I yelled, "Everyone does! You, dad, and the principal everyone who knows compares me to him!"

"Stop!" I heard my dad yell and everyone went silent.

David sat back down and dad walked over to me. He looked down at my scars for a long time before getting the courage to speak. I could smell the alcohol on his breath. Of course, the first time I've seen him in weeks and he's drunk...or hung over...whatever...

"We have to stick together as a family. Kayla, you have a problem. No more sarcastic remarks. Just answer the questions," he said.

"Fine," I said. My dad's not someone you normally argue against.

"Good, how often do you cut?" he asked.

"Every day when I get home from school and before I go to bed," I said, looking straight at him.

"When was the last time you ate?" he asked.

I looked over and saw David was already confused. Apparently mom and dad forgot to mention this one to him. I stayed silent.

"Kayla, when was the last time you ate?!" he repeated.

"Fine," I said, "A couple days ago, mom was yelling at me to eat so I took a couple bites of an apple. She wouldn't let me leave if I didn't."

"You're anorexic?" David asked.

I looked over at him and saw the pain in his eyes.

"How long has this been happening?" he asked.

"They've been calling me fat for years," I said not leaving David's eyes. Mom and dad kept looking at both of us and they slowly left the room without us noticing.

"Kayla, this is my entire fault," David said, "I should have been here for you. I had no idea you were going through all this."

"Would it have mattered?" I asked. I still hadn't noticed mom and dad left. I was still obeying dad's rule of answering honestly.

"Yes," he said, "I love you. You're my sister. You can't do this to yourself."

I looked around to avoid his eye contact anymore and finally realized we were alone. David got off the couch and sat on his knees in front of me.

"I'm going to help you," he said, "You're my sister and you need me."

"Truth," I said.

"Yes."

"I know it's wrong," I finally admitted, "But I can't stop. I try so hard, but up until now what they say to me just keeps repeating in my head and I can't stop myself."

"Up until now?" he asked.

"Yes," I said, "My history teacher said Lolita Scarlett is coming to our school. I downloaded her album. I always loved music, but I never stopped to listen to lyrics before. For some reason this time I did."

"It helped?" he asked.

"Can you unlock me?' I asked, "I need to show you something."

"Of course," he said, unlocking the handcuffs, "Just promise me one thing?"

"What?" I asked.

"No more hiding things from me," he said, "We're in this...together."

"I promise," I said smiling slightly, although part of it was a lie.

Maybe I have someone to talk to after all. I've missed having David around. Things at home are not the same without my siblings around. I don't like being alone. I still don't want to be alive anymore, but I guess I should at least tell somebody how I feel before I leave. I can open up to David as much as I can now, but when the time comes I still need to leave. There is nothing left for me here. There is nothing left for me anywhere. Nobody will ever be able to understand how I feel about this.