Faults, Scars, and Guitar Strings

Chapter 9

Chapter 9

We weren't able to talk about our plan much more because the bell rang and it was time for the next class. The teacher wrote me a note excusing me for being late and I went to my locker to get my books. David and Lolita followed me.

"David you don't have to follow me the whole day," I told him.

"Yes I do. Kay, it's your first day back. That one speech doesn't mean their bullying is going to stop," he said.

"I forgot what it felt like to be back here," I said, "How it sucks the life out of me. I know they are all talking about me and I know it's not good. They never have anything good to say. I can't do this. I'll relapse by the end of the day and I know I'll immediately believe whatever they say."

David's right. They're not going to stop bullying me because I made one speech in history class. I felt like I was having a meltdown. I began breathing hard and I couldn't catch my breath. I've been at home for days and I thought I was getting better, letting that little voice in my head saying positive things finally win. That's what I agree after singing my new song that night. Now I'm back at school and I felt like I was falling, losing all of the progress I was making. I slammed my locker closed and starting walking towards the door, fully aware that both David and Lolita were following me. I stormed out the front door and collapsed onto the bench outside the door and cried. If I had a blade anymore I would have gone straight to the bathroom, but I haven't been able to get a hold of one. David didn't know what to do, he just stood there. Lolita sat next to me and put her arm around me, trying to comfort me.

"You're just days into it," she said, "It took me months. You're healing at an incredible pace, but it's still going to take time. I know you've probably relapsed a dozen times in the last week, but that's okay because you're trying. Trying is a huge step up on your path to recovery. Have you heard my song Rising Up?" I nodded my head and she continued. She started singing it to me, "I'm rising up higher than the skies, and into the stars. Rising up against the hate, blowing past the judgment. It doesn't exist, here in space cause I'm rising, rising up. Higher than the sky, and into the stars. Rising, up so high not even he can pull me down. Rising up, against the hate. Blowing past, the ugly judgments."

Lolita Scarlett was singing to me. I couldn't believe this was happening. First I get to meet her, then talk to her, now she was sitting next to me singing. I am being stupid and I know it, but I can't help thinking about all the horrible things everyone is saying about me. I cannot stop thinking about all of the notes I am going to find throughout the day saying insults to me. It's going to happen. I know it is.

"You have to rise up against them," Lolita said, "We have to fight back and make this bullying stop. It's not going to be easy, it's going to be a challenge, but you can't let them win. All those people who won't stop saying all those horrible things, why would you let them? Don't you want to rise above it, be successful and prove to all of them that you are worth it? That you are better than they will ever be?"

"How do I stop the negative thoughts constantly running through my head?" I asked. "How do I stop worrying about what they are saying about me?"

"You don't," she said, "You have to look at all the positive things. Wake up every day and say to yourself 'I am beautiful'. You will feel better, I promise. Then think of one thing you are thankful for. One different thing every day. All you need is one thing to keep you holding on."

"That works?" I asked her.

"Yes it does. Those are things that I have learned to do and I still do," she said, "Now are you ready to face them?"

I finally looked up and saw both her and David looking at me. "Let's do this," I replied.

I stood up and walked into the school with Lolita on one side and David on the other. I got back to my locker and I grabbed my books for the next class. Lolita went to the office to talk to the principal and David came with me to class. It was time for math class, which I was worst at. My teacher's name was Mr. Crosby. Everyone gasped when I walked in the door, obviously because David was with me. Mr. Crosby directed me towards my seat and he found an extra seat that he put next to me for David to sit at. I sat at the back of the classroom and I pulled my notebook while Mr. Crosby began the lecture. This is going to be a long day, and definitely not in a good way. Throughout that class time alone three notes flew at me. Before I could pick them up David snatched them up and read them. When he finished he tore it up and threw it in the garbage without telling me what it said.