Faults, Scars, and Guitar Strings

Chapter 5

Chapter 5

I walked up to my room with David trailing closely behind. I opened my door and we both stepped in. I walked over to the stereo and David looked closely at it trying to hear the music.

"This is it?" he asked, "The reason you stopped?"

"I can't explain it," I said, "I started listening to it and it's like it wouldn't let me cut anymore. I started researching her. I wanted to know why or how she knew how I felt. I knew it had to be something in the lyrics so I had to know who she was and who wrote the song."

"Did you get your answer?"

"Yes, actually. She was anorexic too. She went into rehab for help. She says she is healthier than ever and learning to deal with her problems day by day. I never understood there were people out there going through problems just like me," I said. "Listening to music in general helps, but listening to music that explains how I feel helps a little more. It makes me regret what I'm doing a little more."

"You need to stop this," David said, "and you need to start eating. I will do whatever it takes."

"But how?" I asked, "They torture me every day. They will never give up. It's not like them and I can't handle them anymore. I can't and I won't." Why can't he understand?

"Do they know who you are?" he asked.

"No, but then they would treat me differently and not in a good way."

"The first step to overcoming anything is admitting it," he said, "Start there."

"Wait a second," I began, "I have to write a paper for my history class which is the same class that Lolita is coming to."

"There you go," he said. "Now you have the topic for the paper."

"Thanks David. I'm sorry for the way I treated you." That part was true. Whether I will end up staying alive or not that part was completely truthful. If anybody should know how I feel before I make a decision it's my brother. I'm not close to anybody in this world, but David is as close as I will get to it.

"It's understandable," he told me, "I'm older and I became successful early. Mom and Dad are always going to look at me first, but with help I'm going to get them to look at you for who you are instead of comparing you to me."

"But what about your career?" I said sarcastically.

"Kayla?"

"Sorry," I said, "Reflex."

"I'm not asking you to change who you are. I'm only asking to attempt to think of something positive every day. I'm asking you to try to be nice and positive. I know it's hard, but it's not impossible," he said. "My career can wait because my sister needs my help."

"I know."

"I want you to start on your paper and I am going to get my stuff," he said.

"Wait, stuff for what?" I asked.

"I am moving back in for a while to help you," he said, "Now behave while I am gone."

I smiled and started towards my desk while he left the room, but he came in seconds later. "What's wrong?" I asked him.

"Give me the blade," he said.

I looked at him with a serious face. I have never been without the blade before. It's always been in my pocket, except when I was cutting of course. I just stood there staring at him. He can't seriously be asking me to give up the only thing that's been here for me for the last few years. That's not fair. I can't give it up. He's crazy. I haven't even made a decision yet. He can't possibly think I'm okay enough to live without my blade. It's been less than an hour.

"I'm serious Kayla, hand it over."

"But..." I said struggling.

"Kayla?!"

"I'm sorry okay! You can't expect me to just stop without a struggle! I've never been without it. It's always with me. I can't give it up," I said. I can't give it up because I won't get better. I can't give it up because I still plan on killing myself. Of course I couldn't say any of that to him.

"If I don't force you to hand it over, you are going to cut the second I leave this house," he said.

"I am not!" I said, but then I went silent.

Negative thoughts started going through my head and I realized he was right. Those negative thoughts are always going through my head and they weren't going to stop anytime soon. David might want me to stop and he does have a lot of faith in me, but I couldn't stop like that. He is going to force me to stop whether I like it or not. I'll have to find a way to get another blade later.

"I'm sorry," I said.

"It's okay," he said, "Now?"

"Right," I said, pulling the blade from my pocket. I stood there staring at it, not being able to move. David reached for it, but I pulled it away from him. How did he expect me to hand it over?

"Kayla, you can do this," he said.

"I'm so sorry," I said handing the blade over to him.

It was directed more towards the blade itself than at David. This was going to be a lot harder than I thought. David took the blade and left the room. I walked over to my bed and collapsed on it in tears. It was the first morning of my recovery. I took my hoodie off and looked at my arms. Even some of my earlier cuts, the scars didn't go away. I felt the need to cut because I haven't been able to all morning. I started shaking trying to resist the urge to search the room for something sharp. The scars covered my arms, and it made me cry even more. I could hear Lolita's music in the background:

You deserve to feel
everything you have.

So stay strong
through all of the hurt

The tears slowly went away as I listened to the entire song. When it was over I went onto my laptop and looked up the music video. It was the most beautiful song I have ever heard. I went over to my stereo and put the song on repeat. The entire time David was gone I sat on my bed listening to that song waiting for my body to stop shaking. My attitude was already changing and I had no idea how or why. I was sure of one thing though: this new attitude of mine wasn't going to be here for long. My old ways will always come back like they always do. Nobody can stop that from happening, not even David or Lolita. It'll come back soon. I gave in to my urge searching my room for something sharp and finally found something I could use in the bathroom. I closed and locked the door behind me. Like I said, nobody can stop it from happening. Now I need to find something else to use.