Faults, Scars, and Guitar Strings

Chapter 25

Chapter 25

She was singing to me. I couldn't believe it. I knew how much this song meant to her and everyone could see it in her face while she was singing. She also knew how much the song meant to me.

I could tell you it's easy to take advice,
falling over with nowhere to hide
but I'd be lying because you're more than alive.
You deserve to be on this ride.

Ups and downs
and falling over.
You deserve to feel,
everything you have.

Higher than the clouds
and into the sky.
You deserve to be alive.
You deserve to feel this ride.

Stay strong
through all of the world.
Don't be there
to watch them fall.

Don't be there
to hear the negativity.
Don't be there
to keep falling down.

Then she stopped. Everyone started looking around, wondering what was happening. "For this last chorus, I want to bring Kayla up here. When we met, she told me that this was the song that made her stop cutting. That she tried so hard to cut, but all she could hear was this song playing from her bedroom. I would be honored if she came up here to sing this with me," Lolita said.

I got tears in my eyes listening to her say that and everyone started pushing me up towards the stage. I walked up and someone handed me another microphone. Is this really happening? Am I dreaming?

"Ready?" she asked.

I nodded and we both sang the last chorus together. I was surprised how easy it came to me. We actually sounded really good singing together. We both put all of our feelings and emotions into it.

You're stronger
than that.
You deserve everything.
The ups and downs
and falling over.

You deserve to feel
everything you have.

So stay strong
through all of the hurt
and don't be there
to watch yourself fall.

The music slowly faded out and I felt Lolita's arms go around me. "I love you," she said, "You're my best friend."

"I love you too best friend," I replied, hugging her back.

Everyone in the audience clapped and cheered for us. I tried to get off stage, but Lolita held me there. I looked at her confused and she began to talk.

"As you all know, this was a surprise party for Kayla, but she has no idea WHY we threw this party for her."

As she continued her speech, my mind automatically started going through everything that's happened, trying to think of why they could have done this. I couldn't think of anything. Maybe it was the pressure or everyone looking at me that couldn't get me to think of it.

"Kayla," Lolita continued, "Congratulations, it's the two month anniversary."

"Two month anniversary?" I said. I still wasn't getting it.

"Two months," Lolita said, "Two months of not cutting. Two months since you realized your problems and sought help. You have gone Two months without cutting. I am so proud of you!"

"Two months!" I finally understood, "Oh my God! It's been two months?! Are you sure?"

"Yes!" Lolita said, "Two months!"

"I can't believe this!" I said, "It hasn't even felt like it's been that long! I completely forgot."

"I can tell," Lolita laughed, "What do you have to say now?"

"Uh... well... wow, I'm really surprised. I hadn't even been counting. David and Lolita told me to count, but I didn't want to. Counting the days put more pressure on me not to cut; more pressure for me equaled more cutting. Without all the pressure I'm able to be myself... a healthier self. Looking back on what my life was, nobody would believe it. I remember cutting myself and feeling completely relieved, but within seconds feeling regret. It was and is, the biggest regret I've ever felt. It's weird how one second you think it's the answer to all your problems, but the next realizing it's not. I did know it was wrong, but by then I was addicted and I couldn't stop. I'm glad Lolita and David have been counting the days though. Two months... wow that's a long time; for me anyway. Um... thank you for becoming my friends. I've gained a lot of friends through this, and more people supported me before than I could have ever realized. So thank you. Let's have fun!"

Lolita and I both got off the stage and the DJ took over for the music. The crowd became a huge group and we all started dancing and having a good time. I could hear the music blaring through the speakers. After a while I managed to find Dylan in the crowd. He smiled when he saw me coming.

I hugged him, "Why didn't I see you sooner?"

"It's your day," he shrugged. "I thought I would let you do your thing while you celebrated. I didn't want to get in the way."

"You wouldn't," I told him. "I would really like to celebrate with you."

He smiled, "Okay."

"Dance with me?"

"Yeah," he chuckled and took my hand, "I would love to dance with you."

I asked Dylan anyway, but I knew why he didn't immediately approach me at the party. When we talked in the hospital I told him I still had a lot to work on. He's still visited me every day in the hospital after that, but he knew this party was about my recovery. He assumed I'd want to celebrate with my family and Lolita because they're the ones that finally got me help. What he didn't realize was that my recovery was about him and my new friends too. Meeting them and being in their life has helped me stay in recovery. They have made me happier than I've ever been.

Once he knew I wanted to be around him he stayed by my side most of the night. I did not dance with anybody else. An hour into dancing with him one person did approach me and ask me to dance. I had to give him the bad news that Dylan already asked me. With a grin on his face, Dylan led me back to the dance floor. I think everybody else got the idea after that.

We danced until dawn, completely forgetting about the rest of the world. It didn't matter. All that mattered was having fun and being ourselves. We weren't just celebrating the two month anniversary, we were celebrating life. Living each day to the fullest and being happy; totally and completely healthy and happy. That was me.