Faults, Scars, and Guitar Strings

Chapter 8

Chapter 8

This was the most nervous I have ever been in my life. Whether I was confident or not, it wouldn't not remove the fear of it. I stood looking out at all of my classmates. I didn't even notice anything else. David bumped me and I brought my paper up to my eyes. I looked at what had taken me so long to write and I began to read it out loud to the class: "First, when we were asked to write this paper I wasn't going to do it. While I was gone this week I started a journal. My paper is made up of journal entries from this week."

I glanced up to look at my peers and suddenly their eyes were not glued to David anymore... they were glued to me. At least they're actually listening to me. That was already more than I had expected. "Today I was chained to chair and saw everyone I love staring at me. I recognized the disappointment in their eyes but my inner demons wouldn't let me care. I had a plan to kill myself this week because I couldn't handle life anymore. I hadn't planned a specific day, but I knew I couldn't handle living anymore. I thought they had ruined my plan by chaining me up. I kept thinking they were destroying my plan. I had no idea I was the real problem. I rattled the chains, trying to get loose. Everything inside was screaming at me to lose control, a little part of me, hidden deep down inside, told me to listen. That's when I learned that the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.

"I didn't tell David this because I wanted to wait until the right time, but there is never a right time. If I say it out loud right now then I know he will try to stop me," I looked over at him and smiled, "And I do want you to stop me. I have been recovering for only a few short days now, but when my family held my intervention I told myself I would only be honest and tell them how I feel so they would know before I died. I wanted to tell them a small amount so they knew how I felt. I wanted at least one person to know what was going on in my head, but I still planned on killing myself."

I looked up again and some of them looked as if they were beginning to care which seemed to be a big step in my eyes. The tears in their eyes seemed to be a good symbol for caring. Maybe I am actually getting through to them. Maybe this won't end badly like I expected it to. I looked back over at David and he smiled before putting one of his arms around me.

"My brother is David Stanley, the famous singer and actor but nobody knew that before today. The family secret was created and we were never the same. I started giving myself the name 'disappointment child' because the expectations had become so high. School was never easy either. I was never popular but my classmates took it to a new extreme. My new-found 'eating habits' caused me to gain weight and I was the new student to pick on. Years of bullying and high-expectations led me to start cutting myself and to stop eating. I dropped lots of weight until I was unrecognizable. My school days were spent avoiding as many people as possible and as soon as I got home I ran to the bathroom to let out all of my frustrations. My parents always thought I was doing my homework. Mom brought up dinner and I threw it out the window, pretending I was too busy multi-tasking. I had no self-esteem or confidence of any kind and I was always in a bad mood. I cannot imagine how hard I made it on my family and for that I am truly sorry. I made their lives so much harder."

When I glanced at the classroom this time I could see a few students crying. They wiped their eyes hoping I wouldn't notice but I did. I can't get emotional now. They can't see me emotional. I took a deep breath. I have to calm down so I can finish reading this. "The day we were given this assignment he told us Lolita Scarlett was coming. Out of curiosity and boredom I looked her up and downloaded her latest album. I was immediately drawn to her music and couldn't stop listening to it. Even more, the first time I tried to cut after that, I couldn't do it. I was disappointed in myself for giving up and not being strong enough to handle it, but the truth is it was the music. It confused me so I googled her. That's when I found out about her problems. Music drew me in since I was a little girl, but I never paid attention to the lyrics. I never paid attention to what songs truly meant. When I searched Lolita I realized I needed to listen to the lyrics. When I did I knew immediately why I didn't immediately harm myself; she knew. She knew everything I was going through. I thought it was impossible for anybody to understand what I was feeling.

"My intervention helped me in a way I did not expect. David has become my best friend and helped me realize I'm not the disappointment child. I have a long way to go before I will ever be okay. I mean, it's only been a few days so that is not much of a journey, but it is a start. I may not have pleased any of you, but that shouldn't matter. Living life is all about being happy with yourself. I'm not the same person I was before. When we were asked to do this assignment, I never considered it. Now, I'm happy to share my story because I'm letting all of you know what you missed out on. Thanks to you, I'm stronger than everyone else in here and I'm proud, but you, you are only going to feel guilty. Guilty for bullying me and anyone else you may have bullied in the process. I owe my life to my family for stepping up and giving me an intervention. You don't have to be famous to make a difference in this world; you just have to have faith. My family had faith, and it's because of that faith that I am still alive."

As soon as I finished, my brother was at my side. He hugged me and I rested against him as the teacher came in front of the class with us to talk about his response. He didn't know any of this ahead of time so I was curious what he was going to say. "I think we've all learned a valuable lesson here today," my teacher began, "Kayla Dane is one student and one victim of bullying. I see bullying every day in these hallways mostly by the same people. That's why I've asked Lolita to come here today to talk about bullying."

That's when I finally noticed. He made a hand gesture and I looked towards the door. She stood there smiling at me. I couldn't believe she was actually here. I felt like I was going to faint. This is someone who I had just recently started looking up to. She walked up to me first and hugged me. I hugged back and she whispered in my ear. "You're amazing and strong. I'm so proud," she whispered. She pulled away and smiled at me before facing my classmates. She didn't even smile at them. It was clear that she wasn't happy.

"I am Lolita Scarlett and I am working to stop bullying. Not just in schools, but all over. When I heard about the school's suspicions with Kayla, I was eager to come here and talk to you about it, but I don't think I have to. I could tell by the looks on your faces that Kayla's words affected you. I was bullied too and I have been dealing with the exact same problems as Kayla. It's not a joke and I can't believe you guys turned it into one. This entire school needs a serious adjustment and I would be happy to help. That is, with the help of Kayla," she said.

I couldn't believe Lolita was actually here talking to me; especially about bullying. "Yeah I'll help," I replied, looking over at David.

He was smiling at me. He was the only person who knew what she meant to me. After all, he has had to listen to me talk about her nonstop these last couple of days. Just weeks ago I never would have believed this would be my life. I was the depressed, cutting disappointment child who didn't care about anything or anybody. Now I am close with my brother and we all know I NEVER thought that would ever happen in a million years. Besides that, I got to meet Lolita. These next few months I am sure I will relapse several times and I will keep thinking about my suicide plan, but for now, for the first time since my intervention I do not feel terrible about myself. I always wanted to stand up to the bullies and now I finally have. That alone is a huge accomplishment on my part.

Either way, as soon as the bell rang and class was over, I rushed to the bathroom and started screaming, out of joy that is, but Lolita happened to be in there too. She laughed and said it was okay. We walked back into the classroom where David was still talking to the teacher. I was now going to be the favorite student to everybody for being David's sister. I'm not sure whether I like that or not. I don't want to be anybody's favorite let alone only being the favorite because of my family. Lolita and I joined them and the principal walked in shortly after. They all wanted to have a meeting about what exactly our plans were to help stop the bullying in this school. If they were to ask me personally, we don't need a plan... we need a miracle.

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