Faults, Scars, and Guitar Strings

Chapter 30 - End of Part 1

Chapter 30

They all helped in bringing me back down to the living room. I sat on the couch with Dylan on one side and Lolita on the other with David sitting next to Lolita. They both had their arms around me. I didn't know how to feel. I felt so bad for cutting. My entire body was filled with guilt. My body shook, my heart still racing, and my face still sweating. Dylan tried to comfort me and I leaned my head against his shoulder. I feel like the most terrible person in the world right now. I knew I couldn't handle it, but I didn't convince anybody to give me some time to process the whole situation. Instead, I went into the situation anyway knowing how close to relapsing I was. It's my own fault. Dad was the first one to say something.

"This was a bad idea," he said looking right at Ben, "you shouldn't have come. Kayla has been through enough. She doesn't need you here. She was in recovery. She's months into recovery and you've been here less than a day and she's already relapsed."

"Relapsed?" Ben asked.

"Yes," mom said, "To start eating again, and not to cut anymore. It was a promise that she made to us months ago."

"Months?" he said, "I'm so sorry. I only wanted to explain. You are all right, I shouldn't have come. I'll leave now. I was only thinking of myself and not how anyone of you would feel in seeing me again. I should have called first and for that I am truly sorry."

"No," I said.

"Kayla?!" David said, "Are you crazy?!"

"No," I said, "I'm not. We need to heal, but that's never going to happen if he leaves. I will never get better because those negative thoughts about that night will always run through my head. He needs to stay so we can all talk and move on from this. He needs to stay and say what he came here to say. I need to hear it. I didn't relapse because he was here; I relapsed because everyone was arguing and I wasn't getting a say in it."

"You're a smart girl," mom said.

"Thanks mom," I said, "What do you say?"

"I'll do anything to make it up to you," Ben said, "I am truly sorry. I had no idea you were ill. If I had known I would have done something different. I would have warned you instead of showing up out of nowhere. I would have given you time to prepare."

"It's okay," I said, "how about we all talk tonight and tomorrow's a clean slate... that is, as long as we feel that you have changed."

"I understand," he said, "it sounds like a deal."

The rest of the night was spent talking. We went over every single detail that happened that night and we made a decision. He has changed. He is a completely different person. After that night he cut himself off from everyone who was involved and only concentrated on helping himself. He still goes to a counselor regularly. It got so late that Dylan stayed in our guest room instead of driving home. I collapsed onto my bed, completely exhausted and fell right to sleep. I woke up the next day to find everyone in the kitchen. Mom was making breakfast and everyone sat at the table. We finished up eating when someone knocked on the door. I got up to answer it. It was an older couple.

"Hi may I help you?" I asked.

"Yes," the lady said, "I think you have my great grandmother's stories."

"Your great grandmother's stories? Um, I'm not sure I know what you mean," I said.

"This," she said handing me a picture. It was a picture that was recently put on the internet and in a magazine. I've been in them a lot lately. I was walking with Dylan with the journal in my hand. Wait a second... the journal. It's the family.