Better Kept Secret

chapter 37

Since Ben's mom has the house always stocked up with Coca Cola, I'm always walking around with a bottle of coke. Right now, I'm sitting in Ben's backyard, watching him play soccer with a friend from the team, a cola in my hand. I was going to leave them alone, but it's too nice to stay inside. I love the way I can feel the sun heating up my skin, prickling it and warming my bones. Ben constantly tries to take sips out of my coke bottles, but I don't share my coke. It's too precious, since I only allow myself one a day.

It's been a little over a week since I moved in with Ben. Mom officially came home yesterday, but I won't be going back to the apartment for a couple of days. My mom and I are going to have lunch together tomorrow, to discuss what this change means for us.

Yes, it's been hard without my mom. Yes, I've been gnawing at my lip before bed, worrying about our future. But I've also been happy. It's nice to not have to take care of her, because I know doctors are. And its nice to know my friends to understand why things are hard for me right now. I've been spending my days in the summer sun, laughing with my head rested on Ben's shoulder, listening to Rachel talk happily. I go to school, do my homework, and go back to Ben's place. But the nights are harder, when I have time to think and obsess about what will come next. For the past couple days, I've been falling asleep easier though. I do feel better. I don't think I'll ever not worry about my future, though, and that's okay. Sometimes I worry. It's a part of me, but I can't let it dictate my life.

Living with Ben has been better than my friends expected. They were sure there would be trouble in paradise and that we'd fight more. But honestly, I don't even see Ben that much more often. He always has soccer practice, and he has a social life outside of me too, so he goes out with his friends after school sometimes. So, unlike what Rachel thought, I'm not sick of him, but actually miss him sometimes.

A plus side to being in the same house as him is that we can find each other very easily whenever we want to. Most nights, I go up to his room before bed, and we just sit and talk. Or kiss, which is also something we can do more of while living together.

His mom walked in once, and I swear I've never been so embarrassed in my life. I jumped away from Ben's arms fast, but she saw and has been making sure his bedroom door is always open. We just go to the basement instead. I love having close moments like that with Ben, and I'm glad that he's been respecting that I don't feel comfortable with anything more than making out. He hasn't tried anything, thank god, because I just don't think I'm ready yet.

"Can I have some of that?" Ben asks as he walks over to me, gesturing to the glass bottle of coke in my hands. I glare at him for a second, shaking that I don't want to share. But really, his mom did buy them so I probably shouldn't say no all the time. I'm sitting on the porch steps, looking up at his tall lean body, his face flushed from running around in the yard.

"Fine." I pass it to him and he smiles. Ben props his one leg up on the deck, leaning on it with his forearm. He gulps down some of the coke, his Adam's apple bobbing as he takes a big gulp.

"Just a little sip!" I squeak. He laughs, choking on some of the coke. "Ben you just wasted it!"

"There's about a million in the fridge," he says while smiling, handing me back the bottle. His neck is glistening, I notice as I look up at him, and so is the rest of his skin. He shines with sweat, and wipes some off his forehead with his arms, jogging away lazily.

I sigh in contentment, loving the easiness of this.

✦ ─ ˗ˋ ୨୧ ˊ˗ ─ ✦

My mom and I meet in the same McDonald's we had dinner at last week. Not the nicest place, but when my mom asked where I wanted to go, it's what I said. I wanted it to be simple, not like it's some big occasion. Not like it's a big deal, even though on the ride here, my heart was beating out of my chest like it was. It's just a mother and daughter getting fast food while talking. Nothing out of the ordinary.