feel me | yeonbin

021

Present day

So instead, he grudgingly continues to watch the show, even though it makes his stomach churn to watch such frivolity. Only when the drama starts does he feel some kind of joy. He zones out as he watches, and it's not until he hears the keypad beep that he realizes it's lunchtime. He rockets upright and throws the blanket aside, and then the door opens.

"Yeonjun?"

"Yeah, babe," Yeonjun says with as much forced energy as possible.

"Why isn't Jaejoong here?" Daeul asks immediately as the door shuts. Yeonjun turns and sits sideways on the couch, propping his chin on top of the backrest.

"I sent him away," Yeonjun says. "He was annoying me."

"It doesn't matter if he's annoying you." Daeul shrugs his expensive leather messenger bag off his shoulder and onto the kitchen countertop as he unbuttons his suit jacket and sets one hand on his hip. God, he's handsome. It's a shame, really. Good looks wasted on a horrible personality. "He's supposed to be here to protect you."

"He was overstepping," Yeonjun lies. "I sent him away so I could watch my show in peace. It's not like I threw a wild party or went on an unhinged tweeting spree."

"Darling..." Daeul blows out a breath, hanging his head. His patience is wearing thin. Yeonjun knows that. But he can't seem to stop pushing his luck. "Don't joke about those kinds of things. I can't protect you if you slip up and do something like that."

"You keep saying that," Yeonjun says dully. "Protect, protect, protect. I'm a grown man. What about instead of protecting me, you tell me something about what's going on?"

Daeul clenches his jaw and stares at him. But then he shrugs out of his suit jacket, drapes it on the back of the chair, and unbuttons his sleeves so he can roll them up as he walks over to the couch. He sits down beside Yeonjun, and then he pulls Yeonjun's legs into his lap, takes Yeonjun's hand, and kisses the top of it.

"Right now, babe, it looks like they're putting together a case," he says. "There's a lot of legal bullshit to wade through. And once they do that, it's smooth sailing. They'll investigate to see if they can find a source for the leak, and whether they do or don't, it's all about getting you back on your feet. Getting you back out there. Making sure people know that you're still Choi Yeonjun, South Korea's beloved actor. Show them that you can bounce back."

"Hyung, this is going to tarnish my image for the rest of my career," Yeonjun snaps emotionally. "There's no way around that. I can't just bounce back from this. I'm literally the victim of a sex crime, and I'm on house arrest right now while you're out there at work dealing with the press and everything. It just looks like I'm a coward."

"Yeonjun," Daeul says, but Yeonjun smacks his hands away and turns his head, angry tears burning his eyes. He's cried enough, damn it, but it seems like he still has more to give. The tears trickle down his cheeks against his will.

"I don't fucking understand what's wrong with people," Yeonjun says, his voice breaking. "Who would hate me enough, hyung, that they'd go digging through my Cloud to find something like that?"

"You shouldn't have even had it saved in the first place," Daeul scolds, but it's not harsh. He's eerily calm. Maybe he's canceling out Yeonjun's emotional state. "The second you dumped him, you should have deleted it. But you have to stop blaming yourself. You made a mistake when you were younger. That's all it is."

"Yeah, but Soobin has the rest of them, so how do I know that they're not all going to get leaked?" Yeonjun chokes out. "What if the hackers see the reaction from the public and decide to go for Soobin's account now? I won't even have a career anymore if that happens. No one will want to book me for a role. I'll be a fucking disgraced actor for-"

"Slow down, slow down, slow down," Daeul interrupts, shaking his head. Yeonjun sniffles and falls quiet, his chest aching. "Soobin... has the rest of them?"

"Fuck if I know," Yeonjun mumbles, because he really doesn't. Maybe Soobin didn't save them all. Maybe he deleted them out of grief for the relationship they lost, the love they lost. Maybe Yeonjun was the only fool who decided to cling to the last lingering memories for safe keeping.

"Okay, well, that-that doesn't matter right now," Daeul decides, to Yeonjun's surprise. Soobin is off the chopping block once again. Daeul reaches up and roughly brushes away a few of Yeonjun's tears. "What matters is that it's going to be okay. It doesn't feel like it now, but it will all work out the way it's supposed to work out."

"Says the man whose naked body isn't plastered all over the Internet," Yeonjun says miserably. He sniffs away a few more tears as Daeul grasps both of his hands. He caresses Yeonjun's knuckles with his thumbs, and Yeonjun swallows heavily. He hates when Daeul touches his fingers like this. If he rubs hard enough and harshly enough, the high-quality stage make-up he uses to cover his tattoo every day, the transforming gel to make the make-up more resilient and the setting spray, could come off of his pinky finger. So Yeonjun purposely tucks his pinky as much as possible.

"Look at me," Daeul says softly, so Yeonjun does. For a split second, one singular fleeting moment, Yeonjun feels like he's looking into the eyes of the handsome man who swept him off his feet in one night. He sees the Lee Daeul who wooed him two years ago and made him feel special and invincible. "I'm here for you. I'm fighting hard for you. We've spent three years -sorry, two years-proving to the world that our love is stronger than their hatred. No matter what happens, Yeonjun, you know you can count on me."

"I know I can count on you, hyung, but I can't count on you to save my career," Yeonjun whispers, tears brimming in his eyes again. "Acting is everything to me. It's what I love to do more than anything, and now I could lose it all."

"I know that. We're going to fight hard for your acting career. But even if that goes up in flames, babe, you can still count on me," Daeul insists, giving Yeonjun's hands a little shake. "I'll be here to get you back on your feet. To help you discover other things that you love. You know that I can support both of us financially. That will never be a problem. You just have to trust that everything will work out how it's supposed to."

"I don't want to have to find other things that I love," Yeonjun snaps through his tears. "But this is completely out of my control, and I hate it. I don't even know what's going on right now. No one's telling me anything. And even if this all blows over-which it won't-who the hell is going to want me? Who's going to hire me knowing that I'm a liability?"

"Look..." Daeul takes a deep breath, looking reluctant. He meets Yeonjun's eyes again. "That's the thing about sex tapes. They give you a reputation for the rest of your life that you can't shake. People aren't going to want you. That's the harsh reality. It's brutal. But I'm telling you, Yeonjun..." Daeul lifts Yeonjun's hands and kisses his knuckles. "You have one person in your corner who's always going to want you. You can always depend on me for anything and everything. There are a lot of assholes who might abandon you because of this, but I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to use every available resource to protect you. Okay?"

Yeonjun can't speak. There's a sob lodged in his throat full of despair, so he just nods, and Daeul seems to understand that he's on the verge of another breakdown How easy is it to hear that people will abandon him and won't want him? It feels like he's been gutted. So Yeonjun hangs his head, crying, and he inches forward.

"It's okay. I'm here for you," Daeul whispers, pulling Yeonjun into his lap as Yeonjun wraps his arms around Daeul's neck and hugs him, closing his eyes and trying to find comfort. Trying to absorb all the promises that Daeul is making, the promise of security and protection. The promise of consistency. He feels Daeul's hand rubbing his back. By instinct, Yeonjun's fingers inch up to touch the short hair at the back of Daeul's head, fingernails scratching his scalp. He turns his head slightly, towards Daeul's ear, embracing him tighter.

Can you hear the moon?

Yeonjun's eyes shoot open. Daeul continues to soothe him. But even here, in the arms of the man who has sworn to protect and love him, all Yeonjun can think about is what he will have left if he loses his acting career because of this. He'll have the entire Lee family. He'll have Daeul sweeping him off his feet after every work day. He'll stay at home like a trophy husband because the shame will be too much to bear in the public eye.

He'll be trapped. Perpetually trapped.