feel me | yeonbin

025

The low rumble of the train lulls Soobin into a near-slumber, his head leaning on the window, cap and face mask on, hood pulled up. He tries to cover his face as much as possible these days if he needs to go out. If he can avoid it, he does, but he can only stay cooped up in his apartment for so long before he starts to lose it.

As soon as he got back from Bali and found himself pacing his apartment, so antsy and agitated that it was making Daigo sick with stress, he knew he needed to get out again. A weekend away from the chaos, outside of Seoul, far away so the media can't stalk him quite as easily.

It's pure luck that no one has figured out how to find his parents yet, so Soobin fled to his hometown for the weekend, just to get away from the circus. It was nice to walk around outside without being hounded, to sit on a beach and not hear the click of cameras everywhere around him. It gave him a brief respite from the chaos, even though it's still on his mind 24/7.

And his parents' minds too.

It was obvious how badly they wanted to ask about what's been happening and how Yeonjun is doing, as well. They were tiptoeing on eggshells around Soobin, though, clearly afraid to upset him any more than he already is. It's been like that for years. Yeonjun has been a sensitive subject for Soobin since they broke up, and whenever his parents would ask him about it, he would shut down until they stopped trying.

This time, though? This time Soobin brought him up first over dinner one night, he couldn't keep it in anymore. He didn't want to keep it in anymore. He's been holding it together for too long, so he told his parents everything-how he's been feeling about the situation, what it was like to see Yeonjun again, how afraid he is for both their futures now, and how little hope he has left.

And then he had hidden his face behind his shirt as he tried not to cry at the dinner table, and he promised that he'll be okay.

He'll get through it somehow. Yeonjun will, too. If he could have stayed longer, he would have, but the reality of the situation is that he still has to face this. He can't just run away, no matter how much he wants to. It would be nice to hide here forever.

But he promised Yeonjun that they would have each other's backs.

He picks his phone up and shoots a text to Kai to let him know the train is about halfway to Seoul and he'll be by to pick up Daigo in a couple of hours. To his relief, Kai texts back that he can bring Daigo to Soobin after work so he doesn't have to set foot outside of his apartment again. He hates that it has to be that way, but he's thankful for how willing Kai is to help however he can.

Soobin knows he's lucky to have the friends he has, even though it feels like his world is falling apart. Ahyeon and Taekhyeon have done everything they can to accommodate and support him, reassuring him that his job will be waiting for him when this is all over. Kai does everything in his power to act as Soobin's self-appointed bodyguard, keeping him out of reach of rabid journalists as best he can. And then there's Taehyun, who has put himself in the line of fire for Soobin, knowing damn well the things that could happen to him for crossing a spoiled chaebol.

He backs out of his texts with Kai and scrolls down to Yeonjun's, his throat tight and dry as he reads back over them. It's funny, Soobin thinks, the way Yeonjun is so concerned with Soobin's safety while Soobin is concerned with Yeonjun's.

Yeonjun worries about KHK not giving a damn about Soobin.

Soobin worries about the exact same thing for Yeonjun.

At least Soobin has Taehyun. Yeonjun, frankly, is surrounded by parasites. Soobin doesn't trust a single one of them to care about anything but preserving the company's image and keeping the money flowing. They don't care about Soobin, they don't care about Yeonjun. If he's honest with himself, as much as he's tried to put on a brave face throughout this, he's having a harder and harder time imagining a happy ending for either of them.

Even if this all comes to an end and appears to be okay on the surface, it's going to come at the cost of them both. For Soobin, the cost might be more obvious. He could openly, publicly lose everything. He could end up taking the fall when he did nothing wrong. For Yeonjun, it will be quiet and insidious, a poison in his life that no one else can recognize, slowly snuffing out the last sparks of him that Soobin can still see.

He stares at his last message to Yeonjun: I'm here with you. We can be scared together.

All he can think is how much he wishes he and Yeonjun actually could be at each other's sides during this. Soobin has tried his hardest to ignore the dread and fear nagging at the back of his mind. The only way he could think to face this was to hide any hint that he's afraid or vulnerable at all, because KHK and the rest of those vultures would see that as a sign of weakness. But he is scared.

He's scared that he'll never be able to live his normal life again, or do what he loves, or that he could get pinned with a crime he didn't commit and lose years of his life behind bars. He is scared that even that won't be enough for Lee Daeul, even if it's enough for KHK. He is scared that this could be the rest of his life, forever, and that it will haunt him in ways that will irreparably damage him to his very core. This could become something he never recovers from.

It was easier when he convinced himself to be concerned only for Yeonjun. Pushing that fear outwards made him feel temporarily invincible, and now it's just exhausting. Now, he feels like burying himself in the blankets of his bed and never leaving again.

He's tired.

His phone buzzes and he almost doesn't want to look. It's never good news anymore. As soon as he glances down and sees the text is from Taehyun, he sighs.

It's definitely not good news from him. Not these days.

NEGOTIATION NINJA [10:50AM]

Are you almost back in Seoul?

NEGOTIATION NINJA [10:51AM]

Yeonjun just gave me a heads up that they have a warrant to search your apartment and seize your electronics.

Soobin feels his heart drop into his stomach, heavy as a stone as it settles deep and twists his gut. His first urge is to throw up, his skin going ice cold and clammy, and then he just feels dizzy, his head cloudy.

CHOI SOOBIN [10:52AM]

I have about an hour left on the train. Are they on their way now?

NEGOTIATION NINJA [10:53AM]

I don't know because they aren't keeping me in the loop with anything but I'll try to stall them until you're here.

CHOI SOOBIN [10:54AM]

I'll head straight there as soon as the train stops

NEGOTIATION NINJA [10:54AM]

You're going to be okay, Soobin.

NEGOTIATION NINJA [10:55AM]

I'm not letting them pin this on you. You have nothing to hide. Let them waste their time and I'll make them regret doing this behind our backs. I promise.

NEGOTIATION NINJA [10:56AM]

You're not going down for this. I'll fight this with my last fucking breath even if it's the last thing I do, okay?

CHOI SOOBIN [10:56AM]

Okay

That's all he can manage to text back, his hand beginning to tremble. He turns his phone face down and looks out the window, blinking away the sting in his eyes. His hand presses over his mask, pushing the material against his mouth to cover his quick, harsh breaths. It's all he can do to avoid hyperventilating, the first hints of panic beginning to creep in.

This is it. This is the beginning of the end for me, isn't it?

Yeonjun was right. They don't give a damn about Soobin. He already knew that, but it doesn't make it any less terrifying how willing they are to throw him under the bus.

He's not hurt by it. He knew they would try.

He's just hopeless.

As much as he wants to believe Taehyun, to trust that he can get Soobin out of this at least somewhat unscathed, he doesn't see how it's possible anymore.

They're on a warpath and they're headed right for Soobin.